Soap for Jesus

*chuckles* I'm lying here in a half numb, half blank, half calm (three halves, yes, I know :P) frame of mind. Kristin just asked me how I was, and I answered, I'm thinking God is weirdly good. Cause He is. My mom's in need of prayer, a lot of it, especially as the first court date with my father on the 15th nears. I'm lying here in emotional and physical pain. And apparently I "don't have any major stress in my life", a comment I'm currently finding hard to forgive. *smiles, thinking* I messed up again recently. I do that frequently. And I've been convinced God's going to punish me, as usual. If He has, He's done it in the sweetest way. I might have lost most of the things I love, but God's shown me His love, His people, and Mom and Mr C are the most important things in life. I might be in despair and lost in the darkness, but there's always someone out there who's more lost than me cause they haven't go...

As Time itself drew to a close in Earth's final days, the system of life seemed to have gone back several hundred years. Feuds, wars between kings and knights that fought on horseback...beheading as capital punishment had become ways of life once more. One could almost believe that old TV shows and films, like Doctor Who, were a reality, for there were upon the Earth many strange beings, the like of which had never been seen from the dawn of Time until now. There arose a great and powerful Dark Knight who rode through the land, calling all the people who dwelt there in apparently ordinary lives to arms. For a millennium, the world had lain quietly under the guidance of one King who reigned supreme in Jerusalem, capital of the much torn land of Israel. Yes...the problems of the world had centred around this one small city in one tiny country, as the book of ancient prophesy had foretold it to be a stumbling block. And once more, a King reigned in Jerusalem as had not been his l...

Hands cradling a tall, slim mug of hot chocolate, I leaned back in the red leathery chair and stared at the patterned white ceiling. Music from John Waller - "While I'm Waiting" played low in the background. I'm waiting, Lord. But peaceful? Oh yeah...painful. And not easy? Boy, that's an understatement. I hate my hurting heart. Still trying to figure out how pain like that can be so bad that it physically hurts. Raising my left hand, I stared, blank, at the wedding ring on the fourth finger. Using my knees to hold the mug, I twisted the ring, as usual, looking for the join, but it's never there. Why? Because it's a perfect circle. No beginning; no ending. It's endless. Love endures everything. I'm blinking back more tears as I'm writing this. Apparently it is possible to cry for two days. This is God's love for us. And this is how we should love one another. Love is patient . Love is kind. Love is not jealous . Love does...

Gosh, I sound so nerdy... XD Anyway. On Michael Card, the closeness of God and the unspeakable aching.

One of the best songs about love is in the film "Fireproof". It's written by Warren Barfield. "Love is a shelter In a raging storm. Love is peace In the middle of a war. If we try to leave, May God send angels to guard the door. No, love - it's not a fight But it's something worth fighting for." To be honest, love feels like anything but a shelter. And right now, it feels like the raging battle. I guess the key word there is "feels". Those of you who follow me on Facebook will notice in the last few days I changed my relationship status back to single. (Because as we all know, nothing is official unless done on Facebook. *wry grin*) I kinda caused a fight with Mr. C (remember, from In Love With Two Guys?), except he never fights. We're like the proverbial cat and dog. I yowl and scratch and leap and claw and he's like your faithful old Labrador...he sits there and is calm and takes it. *another wry grin* It was a pret...

Lying here in bed (don't shout at me! :P) thinking. And therefore blogging. Been having a few thinky days actually. Particularly in respect to one struggling friendship where I lean pretty heavily (and unfairly) on the other person. I've tried to back away before, to no avail. So I'm trying again. I don't know how it'll go. I'll be praying and trying to move on to a new path, which I think will be best for both of us. I honestly don't know what else to do. Which could mean an entirely different path for me than I'd dreamed. Recently, I've been posting a lot of stuff in relation to marriage - mostly caused by the swarms of friends who are suddenly deciding to get into serious relationships, get engaged, and a certain group of them, married. Plus I'm looking at ways of extra income and thinking of how to design my own wedding veils and dresses (please note Pinterest explanation ;) ). It strikes me that there's a certain depth of love...

I read a quote from my fav aeroplane brother Miguel Flores once. It struck a chord, and I and I think, others, asked him to write more. As you know, love has a big meaning for me. Been struggling with a few things today and this really struck me again as I re-read it. Without further ado, I give you: Miguel Flores. You are walking down a grocery isle and you pick up a new product on the shelf called “love.” It appears to be a special kind, with the subtext saying that it’s specifically for romantic love. Turning it over to read the label, you see that it has a wide variety of ingredients in it--things like patience, affection, selflessness, and other hard-to-swallow things. You put it in your basket, thinking it might help you with your relationship problems. Little did you realize that you skipped over the disclaimer’s tag, saying that some side effects of “love” might include “pain, hurt, loneliness, suffering, and even hate” if used inappropriately. And, ironically enough...

You cannot love God unless your spirit is alive. The world approaches love in one of two ways - body and soul, or soul and body. It's based on physical attraction or emotional compatability. There's a third aspect which no one considers. Every religion recognises something that most non-religionists don't. Man has an inbuilt need to worship. That is caused by the spirit. The spirit is dead until Christ enters it when we are born again and it comes alive. Christians should approach love from the other end of the triangle - top down. Spirit, soul, body. The world recognises marriage as a union between people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, but it cannot recognise the reason it is so powerful, why it is so attacked, and why it is being so twisted and perverted as it is. Because it is one of the most powerful demonstrations of the love of God to man, of the union between Christ and the church; the most liveable of all loves. And the second that...

There's four projects currently running in the call centre. Two of those are the People First project, which most of the guys are working on - an intensely pressured job on which the target is 5 a day and you must get at least 4 a day or run the risk of being laid off; and Women in Leeds, another highly stressful task because of how boring it is. Most of the responses are no replies or answer phones (now we have cleared out the horrible unobtainables and withheld numbers which shrill piercingly down your ear and one after another are torturous) as most women are out at work during the day. When people actually do answer, there is an incredible amount of refusals, men answering to say their wife/partner isn't there and won't be until gone six pm, or people hanging up in the first sentence (which is quite emotionally knocking, for me anyway). I'm sitting here writing this as I'm dialling in an attempt to keep my poor brain occupied. I'm an outdoor person, stim...

I guess it's a pretty well known fact that I don't trust guys. Even though I love my brothers, (I really do. You guys are awesome!), I still can't trust most of the guys I know. (That not being entirely your faults; often it's mine, in that I feel I can't trust you because you don't know how bad I am. :P) There are a few that made it into my closed, barred, walled and icy heart. Because when it comes to trusting, that's exactly what I am. Remember I said that was what God was working on next? :D Those few (four/five in total) have faced every kind of backfire you could possibly imagine from me. And they still care about me. They're pretty amazing guys. God's...God works so clearly in them and through them to the people around them. To me, they're the epitome of Unconditional Love. God's Love. It was 5am GMT, and 11pm CST, when one of these guys was up chatting me one night. I won't name him to spare him embarrassment, but he'...

I'm hastily writing this before going downstairs to get on with some housework. No, I haven't forgotten the BGT blog post, you should get it tomorrow. ;) Two places in the Bible do God's promises of a future stand out to me - the well known verse in Jeremiah, where He says, "‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart," and a lesser known verse in Isaiah, where He tells us, "Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. 'Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert." I'm heading out for an appointment with a psychologist this afternoon, due to pressure from family and fri...

So I made a chicken goulashy thing for tea. :D No, it wasn't against the Daleks. *cough* It was so yummy, I wrote down the recipe before I forgot it. :D Fry an onion in butter (preferably in a saucepan :D). Add one can of chopped tomatoes. Cook. Chop in half of the chicken breast (we use a whole chicken for three days' meals). Throw in some fresh herbs (basil, thyme and oregano) and dried herbs (basil and mixed herbs). Mix. Sprinkle with Spicy Chill Mix (El Paso). Grate in some cheese. Heat up Lemon Basmati Rice in the microwave. For drinks, serve up bitter lemon and Tango orange. :D I'm lying here in bed, very, very conscious that in six hours time, I will be at the ICC in Birmingham auditioning for Britain's Got Talent. I keep shooting between certainty of failure and positive terror. :P I know that operatic style singers aren't usually taken to kindly, I know I'm not a trained singer, I know I blush bright red when I have to sing in front o...

Now I've posted one topic on the state of my affections, ready yourselves for a barrage of day-to-day stuff I notice comparative between the love of God and this earthly, God-given affection. :D One of my friends posted an interesting reply to my last night tweet, which was: God is so very good to me, that I'm so very in love with two wonderful guys. He said: You can't be 'in love' with someone you've never met. I'm guessing he meant I couldn't be in love with God. But again, I had to chuckle, because the guy I'm in love with now, I have loved for two years. I met him last year and spent a very short period of time with him, and that has been the one and only time in our lives, in our four-and-a-half year friendship that we've met. Oh yes, I can be in love with someone I've never met. I spend time every day or couple of days chatting with him. I talk about him. I think about him. I pray over him. I think of him when doing som...

I had the day off work, and a brill day yesterday. :P So I'm going to tell you ALLLL about it. I woke up at 10am. *cough* By midday, I'd chatted three people, had two phone calls, and sorted out online banking and my bus pass ID card. I'd spoken to Mom and phoned Hollybush Garden Nurseries and attempted to purchase an indoor water fountain, thanks to a lovely lady who sent money to Mom as a get well present. After getting dressed, I headed downtown to post a parcel to one of my friends for his upcoming birthday. I stopped into Wilkinsons Hardware Store and bought some brown tape (because the package wasn't very secure), a military man figure with removeable helmet, gun, binocs and stuffs for Joseph's Christmas present, and a candle for Mom's. Heading up to Tesco's, I bought three bouquets and a pair of Jeans, then took one bouquet over to the ladies in Walsall College who saved a good part of my hair the other day when it had to be cut. Walki...

Kristin D and I have a unique friendship. It began at OYAN Summer Workshop, 2012, when I looked into her eyes and said the words she's never forgotten. "(God has given me the gift so) I can read eyes." One of the closest sisters and friends I have, we have a special relationship. She's one of those people, the ones that you can bring God smack dab into a conversation without feeling awkward - or where you don't even realise He's in it, but He is. She's been one of the greatest encouragements and lifesavers in my life. God is very much in our friendship. September 13th, several days after one of the greatest sins in my life. I was talking to Kristin. In her words: [3:35:47 PM] Kristin D: Okay I had read Psalm 3... and then musing over it... Something with you had blown up that day... and I was writing about you, and about me... "We're both weak, and both near the edge. I'm asking God for miracles at this point. We're both brok...

I woke up this morning not feeling very good. Well, I usually feel physically great after a lie in, but not mentally, especially when waking at 1pm. About half an hour later, Mom was just about to go out. "Sian! There's a parcel down here for you." I let out a shriek and bolted downstairs, as I was expecting one...although I had no idea what was in it. (I love surprise parcels, sometimes. :D) "It can't be the one you think it is...it's from Preston!" Mom said. I blinked, knowing the Hodgson girls hadn't sent me anything! Surprised, I tried to detangle the brown tape from the parcel, but it clung tightly to the lighter brown paper. The parcel was long, brown and slender - not like I was expecting. Though I didn't know WHAT I was expecting. :D Finally ripping the tape off, I managed to start unrolling it, and eventually reached the bubble wrapping. Now, if you're anything like me, bubble wrapping is half of the present. ;) I s...

Dear guys, blokes, men and gentlemen, This is particularly addressed at you, although it's also a general announcement, because I want you to know where I stand, why I'm off limits and why my Facebook status reads, "It's complicated." Simply because a lot of guys seem to read, "It's complicated" on any girl's status not as a chance to help them out (not me in this case) but as a chance to get a foot in the door. I also want to explain what love means to me - something far beyond mere emotion or fluff, or something that can wither and die. If you've read my blog long enough, you'll know what love is to me. Eternal, unconditional, priceless. True love is God - the heart of God to man. And true love is a gift from God, planted in someone's heart, to never be given up on and thrown away. If God has given you love, then it's nothing to sacrifice lightly. I didn't start this way. When I first fell in love, it was a deliberat...

I'd like to point out a fact. There's parenthood. And there's parents. Parenthood is a God-ordained authority at the head of the family, where husband (leading authority figure) co-joins with wife to provide a supportive guidance network to care for physical, emotional and spiritual needs, requiring implicit trust and obedience when the child is not of an age to make informed decisions for themselves and is still learning about the world. This institution is, as all institutions should be, submitted to Divine guidance and treated with humble fear and trembling by husband and wife, as they (as one) represent the relationship between God as Father and men as His children (when born again). Parents are the people in that institution, and should be fully aware of their responsibilities to the next generation and before Almighty God before ever taking on the role of making babies. While parenthood is a God institution and should be respected as such, some parents trea...

Dearest Lord, *coughs and looks up, blinking hard* I guess this has been coming for a while. I'm listening to a song that says all You want is me. And it's true... I've been feeling so down and depressed recently...I know You forgave me...but every time You do, even though I'm fully aware of Your forgiveness, and start smiling and singing again, I make no move to get close to You. And that's where the problem lies...if we don't move to get closer to You, we start moving backwards, because life with You can never BE at a standstill. It's like a love relationship. It IS a love relationship. If you don't work at it, it starts to collapse. It's not I haven't wanted You...it's I wanted other things more than You. I was angry...and hating...and lonely...and numb...and...I'm sorry... I need to forgive myself for what I've done...which I can't...but to forgive myself, I need to completely accept Your forgiveness and realise that...

We cheered on the Olympians, and still more the Paralympians, with pride in our countries and awe at their amazing achievements. Those guys (and gals) sacrificed years and time and money and strength and purpose to one goal - to compete here. As Christians, we have our own Olympics to run. Our goal - which is Heaven, our struggle - which is life. And we are commanded to run in such a way as to win the prize - the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus. I went to the opening of the Baptist Bible College in Telford area today. The guy who preached was Pastor David More. He talked on running the race. But not so much the beginning, as the ending. We need to end well. Many people, he said, start off enthusiastically and with zeal. But not so many end up finishing well, because they didn't run with dedication and purpose. We need to set our sights on Christ and following Him. That must be our goal. We may change immediate goals and our lives turn around in the me...

It's when I'm standing there, brushing my hair, that I realise I can't cope with the idea of another week stuck daily in an office, coming home tired, ending up exhausted, trying to do everything else and failing. Talking to people who I emotionally connect to via a telephone, who respond with briskness or harshness or apathy, most often than not. And it hurts. It's then He comes to me, close, and reminds me that He worked as a carpenter until He was thirty. Thirty years as a carpenter and three years of ministry. Then He died. And rose. And spent forty more days here. And left for Home. He reminds me of Noah, who spent five hundred years living normally. Had three sons. Then his world turned upside down - literally. He whispers of John the Baptist, who spent his life in the wilderness, until the time of his appearing to Israel. And He asks me, "Can you not do this for me? Can you not live the boring and the mundane, live the life I have placed you in ...

I just want someone to hug me...that I can collapse into, without worrying about being strong or not being a burden or trying to think about their state of mind. I just wish I didn't drain the life out of people, that there was someone I meant as much to as they mean to me. I'd just like to feel someone come alongside when the demons whisper to cut or to kill in my ears, take my hand and silently let me know they're there. I just want to know that someone reading this won't grieve over not being able to do so. I just need to find some way to deal with the searing pain, the breaking heart, the misunderstood person that everyone thinks they understand and no one is willing to accept that they don't. I just have to stare at the screen with my blank empty gaze and painfilled eyes and wonder why I can love with His heart and not bring comfort or healing and have to watch them hurting. I want the conflict between friends and family, and adopted family and fami...

I'm thankful for: The tang of fresh air untainted by petrol The soft press of the grass under my bare feet The musty odour of milch and bracken Beautiful adjectives. The English language and its amazing intricacies 3 surveys on Guernsey - one for Disabled and two for Carers; my target is three and it's going to be REALLY tough from today. 2 surveys on a new project I've been briefed on that I have to get ten a day for. God's returning of a kindness He once did through me today. A woman tapped my shoulder and handed me a packet of tissues, telling me to keep them all. She was so kind. I've always liked Richard III . I feel like he was possibly one of the most ill-treated kings by history ever - his popularity certainly suffering a stunning blow, not only from his death on the field of Bosworth to the immediate crowning of his enemy Henry VII, but also through the mysterious loss of two Crown Princes in the Tower of London - and the wonderful life-changi...