Soap for Jesus

It's possibly the deepest fear in both man and woman. For men, tucked away at the root of wanting respect. For women, buried under the surface of that longing to be loved. The fear that we're not worth it. Not worth being respected. Not worth being loved. Not worth it as a person, the very essence and uniqueness of us as an individual human being. Not worth fighting for. The fear that we're being constantly held up to the measure of those around us and being found wanting. That fear is found a voice as soon as we're rejected - by the person we respect, by the person we love most deeply. Whatever form the rejection takes, we sense it and the fear finds confirmation - we weren't worth it, to the person who counted the most. And it hurts. Oh, how it hurts. The whisper you've heard all your life is finally verified in action or word. It's true. You're not worth it. I'm not going to deny it, that they don't consider you worth it. That he doesn'

I took a break from packing the house at Snapdragon and did this as a verbal post. So...click on the blue words below to hear it, but it's handwritten out as well. ;) Losing God: I said to my ex-best friend recently that material things last longer than people. As I've been packing up stuff from my room as we move house, I've found that's quite true. You know, finding things like notes from my first (and also ex) best friend, things from people who have passed on, and, in a sense, it's just strange... I'm sitting here throwing things out that have memories attached - not everything, but. Yah. And, material things do last longer than people, but in the end, even material things go. I've lost my home, I've lost my family to some degree, and now I'm losing material things and ties that have been with me all my life, that remind me of people that I've lost. In a sense, it's almost like God's trying to..wean me away from things. Now

I've debated a while about posting this. A) Because I loathe pity and people always feeling they are meant to be sorry for me. B) Because all the people who dislike me/have major issues with me will be feeling triumphant. But I've tried to always be honest and share my bad side, to some degree, because...because that's part of me too. And...for those who do...look up to/respect me, who wants a perfect mentor? I'd have - and have had - a lot of trouble talking to people who don't understand where I am. So yeah. Here is part of my pain, shared with our prayer group the other night. Read it, and know that God is still here. Still there. With you. No matter the darkness, and oh, yes. I know how black it can get. I don't often write stuff like this, so...yeah. No matter the blog posts, I'm almost constantly struggling with depression. If you'd call it that. More like despair. I can recognise when a wave is about to hit...but can do nothing to pre