Stinging Wounds

I've debated a while about posting this.

A) Because I loathe pity and people always feeling they are meant to be sorry for me.
B) Because all the people who dislike me/have major issues with me will be feeling triumphant.

But I've tried to always be honest and share my bad side, to some degree, because...because that's part of me too. And...for those who do...look up to/respect me, who wants a perfect mentor? I'd have - and have had - a lot of trouble talking to people who don't understand where I am.

So yeah. Here is part of my pain, shared with our prayer group the other night.
Read it, and know that God is still here. Still there. With you. No matter the darkness, and oh, yes. I know how black it can get.


I don't often write stuff like this, so...yeah.
No matter the blog posts, I'm almost constantly struggling with depression. If you'd call it that. More like despair.
I can recognise when a wave is about to hit...but can do nothing to prevent it.
It always drives me back to the Word, but I keep reading and currently it's just like a death knell of hope.
I feel like God's given up on me. I feel like no matter how hard I pray, He's going to not answer or answer no.

I'm tired, so tired of grieving. I'm so so tired of people pointing at me behind my back and treating me like a child because "I'm all emotional". I also don't appreciate the inferences that my rationality is impaired to push people away from my 'arrogance', because in short, that makes me feel completely worthless.
Being rejected by the one guy who knew everything about me shook my life up (part removed). Shook me up.

I'm just. So. Tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of not hoping. I'm tired of being so mentally and emotionally alone and I daren't let anyone else close. I'm tired of being treated like I'm not good enough for a good man, I'm tired of telling myself that. I'm tired of fearing it's all true. I'm tired of being yelled at.
I can blurrily see God's hand. I haven't self harmed in eight months by His goodness.
I'm just tired of breathing. I want to go Home. Where I'll be healed. And safe. And loved.

Whine over. Blessed be those who do not shun, do not run, do not condemn and do not run tattling. And don't try and take me on and mentor me when you have enough troubles or I'm trying to mentor you. It throws the relationship out.


Note: If you don't like me being this open, I have two instructions. One, go and read where the Bible talks about many members in one body, and not all having the same function. Two, close the blog down. :)

In Him, and His deathless love alone,
~Siân