Soap for Jesus

*grins* That's a Black Country term, so most of y'all probably won't know that. ;) So here's me, in sweatshirt, fancy necklace and Mediæval bodice fresh from work, earbuds dangling and still distantly playing Mandisa's "What If We Were Real" album, pj trousers on and perched on a chair, typing this while gobbling up some pumpkin soup - WITH CHEESE. Scrummicking round the house, getting fed and watered before settling down to work at home for the evening. Y'know, it's impossible to explain the joy and peace that's been here the last few days. The period I've just gone through has been the blackest, spiritually, I remember walking through in the past four years, since my backslide when I was 17. I don't remember what jolted me to actually fighting again. I was convinced God wasn't going to fight for me anymore, and on being told that He was waiting for me to say no to doing wrong in the weakest area of my life and wasn't go...

"A Twist in Time" "You want me to be evil? Fine, I'll be evil." I raised my hands towards them, the pink sepphalite now flickering visibly between my fingers, revelling in the release of the power I had chained back for so long. "No, we don't want you to be evil! We just want you to be good, to give you a second chance. Why lie to us?" Snow asked me, tears rimming her lids. "You know what your problem is?" I watched the light grow stronger. "It's not that you want me to heal. It's that you want me to follow your kind of healing. No matter how hard I try to be good, it will never be good enough for you, because there is a certain route you won't be happy unless I take. You want me to kowtow and bend, to grovel and you want to see your final victory - good vanquishing evil. The knight slaying the dragon. You want me to be completely destroyed, humbled on the ground, because that's the way every good fairytale e...

Believe it or not, this was actually a planned post over the last couple of days. Because I tend to preach things when I'm struggling with them; post encouragement when I'm in desperate need of it; write words that I know are true to make myself believe them, as well as you. I can't remember the original substance of this post, as hard as I'm trying to recall it and wind it in with what I'm writing now. I write a lot on Twitter; in fact, I'm more open on Twitter than on Facebook because I feel safer. My tweets get lost in millions of others, and only two specific people watch my tweets to see how I am. So I thought. I've received rebukes off people before for being too open, being too depressing. Watching my kids recently turn away from God and to despair added into the fact that I'm getting left behind by many of my friends as they enter college/leave college and-or get married was just part of the unconscious building up of "hard evidence...

The lovely Katie Comstock posted this on her blog recently and sent me a link. Now I share it with you, and pray that those who need to read it will read - and listen to - it. This is an anthem for the homesick, for the beaten, The lost and broke, the defeated - A song for the heartsick, for the standbys, Living life in the shadow of a goodbye. Do you remember when we learned how to fly? We'd play make-believe we were young and had time on our side. You're stuck on the ground; got lost, can't be found. Just remember that you're still alive. I'll carry you home; no, you're not alone. Keep marching on - this is worth fighting for. You know, we've all got battle scars. You've had enough. But just don't give up. Stick to your guns; you are worth fighting for. You know, we've all got battle scars. Keep marching on. This is a call to the soldiers, the fighters, The young, the innocent and righteous. We've got a little room...

“Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.” “We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” “We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.” “We want not so much a Father but a grandfather in heaven, a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, 'What does it matter so long as they are contented?” “The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it. Now error and sin both have this property, that the deeper they are the less their victim suspects their existence; they are masked evil. Pain is unmasked, unmistakable evil; every man knows that something is wrong when ...

Demon eyes, demon child. What's inside that makes you wild? What's the thing that they all see? That evil twisted part of me. Freaky face with mouth of lies - Demon child with demon eyes. "Don't defile God's handiwork! Stop claiming that there's only mirk." Am I really? How can I be When that's all you claim to see in me? Forget the fight to try for good. Apparently that's only crud. All you see is Demon child, Perhaps it wakes all your 'defiled'. I hate this twisted poetry. It only comes out in agony. But what do they care? They laugh and scorn - Other hearts will bleed and mourn. It's near impossible to tell Who's from heaven with their echoes of hell. Gossip-grieve, they bury the corpse Of Demon child they killed with thoughts. When sin is birthed, then it is death. I was slain on their whispered breath. Their 'loving concern' behind my back - So like the Master, isn't that? Forget the goo...

This past weekend, I attended a Youth Conference (along with one of my UK besties, Stephanie, and my twin, Joseph) at Bethel Free Baptist Church in Birmingham. What I was expecting ran something along the lines of: 1) Listen to preaching and be fed 2) Sit awkwardly on the sidelines and fail miserably at interacting 3) Spend the weekend watching and listening What actually happened was totally different. God moved this weekend. I watched young people recommit their lives to the Lord. I recommitted my life to the Lord. I gave Him the burden of my broken heart and prayed for release. It's still broken, but He's got the burden of it now and the joy is...unspeakable. I watched my Stephie change from a girl who is shy and self-controlled, though happy, start singing in public - something she would never do even if I begged, though she'd do anything else. I watched as she stepped out on the streets to witness - which she was scared sick of. I watched her cry, and go to ...

I've debated a while about posting this. A) Because I loathe pity and people always feeling they are meant to be sorry for me. B) Because all the people who dislike me/have major issues with me will be feeling triumphant. But I've tried to always be honest and share my bad side, to some degree, because...because that's part of me too. And...for those who do...look up to/respect me, who wants a perfect mentor? I'd have - and have had - a lot of trouble talking to people who don't understand where I am. So yeah. Here is part of my pain, shared with our prayer group the other night. Read it, and know that God is still here. Still there. With you. No matter the darkness, and oh, yes. I know how black it can get. I don't often write stuff like this, so...yeah. No matter the blog posts, I'm almost constantly struggling with depression. If you'd call it that. More like despair. I can recognise when a wave is about to hit...but can do nothing to pre...

When you're patrolling the daily pattern... And no one seems to be bothered about your plans... Life moves on for everyone else... You feel forgotten and put on the shelf... Like everyone's left you behind and judged you into a box of useless... You think God's finished with you... When you start to let yourself believe that your life is done and you've served God's purpose... Has He finished with me now? God bless, ~Siân

IT'S PAINFUL! Oh, God, it's so painful. Why should I suffer like this? What have I ever done to deserve it? I've tried to follow You. Tried to do what You say. I've gone through my memories and I can't think of any sin I haven't repented of. So why am I going through this? Those cries sound so familiar, echoed in the cries of those not born again..."If God was good, why do good people suffer?" And through the story of Job. Maybe you've cried them. I know I have, guiltily. And you know all the usual defending comments; that we are all sinners, that God grieves with us but that this is part of the curse. Yes, He could stop it. Do you know why He doesn't? Because when you're living the easy life, how often do you turn to Him? How often do you seek His face, to grow closer to Him and learn of Him? How much is the value of earthly things to you, when you are in pain? Because, to quote one tweet I read earlier: "The t...

There are two things I have learned through this long and painful walk; that God does not fill all voids and God does not heal all wounds. I wonder why? I think He made us deliberately to have voids He doesn't fill. Which will of course be filled when we reach Heaven - the same as we cannot be sinless now, but will be when we reach Heaven... Voids to be surrendered to Him and for Him to give us peace over, but not necessarily to fill... Carissa: *thinks* I have felt that, too. I am not sure exactly how to put this, though.... one thing is that I think He does heal all our wounds--but that doesn't mean the scars are gone, or that it stops hurting, only that He brings redemption. It still hurts, and honestly I don't think it will stop completely till heaven. About the voids... I don't know. I think maybe it's more that we don't realize how sufficient He is... that He is there, and He is enough. Yet... there is still the longing for human friendships that He...

Do you know the feeling of carrying the weight of knowledge that every single person you try to help is being let down by you to a small degree because of the amount of people you try to help while living? I pray you don't. But you might. Do you know the feeling of putting your arm around someone and snuggling them close in their anger and pain and tears, and your heart wanting to explode with the message of God's love and hope, and you're powerless to express it? I pray you don't. Maybe you do. Do you know the feeling of sitting next to your best friend and hearing them say they just want to be happy, and you know WHY they're lacking it, but you're painfully unable to open their eyes to their need of Christ? Do you ever stand and absorb the pain of those nearest to you, using your mind to understand their struggles, why they are where they are and realise you are standing knowing, but unable to do? Do you know what it's like to feel them lash out at ...

The impending cataclysm still is in my heart and mind. The call of God in that short space of time and the unclear vision of the future to some of us. The separation of many of us and the intense struggles that so many of God's young people are facing today - pasts created by their own mistakes and influenced by outside forces not of their doing, undergoing the after-effects of so many of these. The young Christians of today are facing more problems than I've ever heard of any young Christian generation undergoing. We are not a united body - many of our worst battles are fought and faced alone with long-distance prayer. I don't believe in end-time revival but I DO believe that God is doing a work amongst the young people of this generation and that is why there are more vicious Spiritual battles than we've seen in a long while. Satan is trying to divide and pull us away, and we are pleading to become more like Christ. Tell me THAT won't induce a battle! So...

*chuckles* I'm lying here in a half numb, half blank, half calm (three halves, yes, I know :P) frame of mind. Kristin just asked me how I was, and I answered, I'm thinking God is weirdly good. Cause He is. My mom's in need of prayer, a lot of it, especially as the first court date with my father on the 15th nears. I'm lying here in emotional and physical pain. And apparently I "don't have any major stress in my life", a comment I'm currently finding hard to forgive. *smiles, thinking* I messed up again recently. I do that frequently. And I've been convinced God's going to punish me, as usual. If He has, He's done it in the sweetest way. I might have lost most of the things I love, but God's shown me His love, His people, and Mom and Mr C are the most important things in life. I might be in despair and lost in the darkness, but there's always someone out there who's more lost than me cause they haven't go...

Hands cradling a tall, slim mug of hot chocolate, I leaned back in the red leathery chair and stared at the patterned white ceiling. Music from John Waller - "While I'm Waiting" played low in the background. I'm waiting, Lord. But peaceful? Oh yeah...painful. And not easy? Boy, that's an understatement. I hate my hurting heart. Still trying to figure out how pain like that can be so bad that it physically hurts. Raising my left hand, I stared, blank, at the wedding ring on the fourth finger. Using my knees to hold the mug, I twisted the ring, as usual, looking for the join, but it's never there. Why? Because it's a perfect circle. No beginning; no ending. It's endless. Love endures everything. I'm blinking back more tears as I'm writing this. Apparently it is possible to cry for two days. This is God's love for us. And this is how we should love one another. Love is patient . Love is kind. Love is not jealous . Love does...

One of the best songs about love is in the film "Fireproof". It's written by Warren Barfield. "Love is a shelter In a raging storm. Love is peace In the middle of a war. If we try to leave, May God send angels to guard the door. No, love - it's not a fight But it's something worth fighting for." To be honest, love feels like anything but a shelter. And right now, it feels like the raging battle. I guess the key word there is "feels". Those of you who follow me on Facebook will notice in the last few days I changed my relationship status back to single. (Because as we all know, nothing is official unless done on Facebook. *wry grin*) I kinda caused a fight with Mr. C (remember, from In Love With Two Guys?), except he never fights. We're like the proverbial cat and dog. I yowl and scratch and leap and claw and he's like your faithful old Labrador...he sits there and is calm and takes it. *another wry grin* It was a pret...

There's four projects currently running in the call centre. Two of those are the People First project, which most of the guys are working on - an intensely pressured job on which the target is 5 a day and you must get at least 4 a day or run the risk of being laid off; and Women in Leeds, another highly stressful task because of how boring it is. Most of the responses are no replies or answer phones (now we have cleared out the horrible unobtainables and withheld numbers which shrill piercingly down your ear and one after another are torturous) as most women are out at work during the day. When people actually do answer, there is an incredible amount of refusals, men answering to say their wife/partner isn't there and won't be until gone six pm, or people hanging up in the first sentence (which is quite emotionally knocking, for me anyway). I'm sitting here writing this as I'm dialling in an attempt to keep my poor brain occupied. I'm an outdoor person, stim...

Dearest Lord, *coughs and looks up, blinking hard* I guess this has been coming for a while. I'm listening to a song that says all You want is me. And it's true... I've been feeling so down and depressed recently...I know You forgave me...but every time You do, even though I'm fully aware of Your forgiveness, and start smiling and singing again, I make no move to get close to You. And that's where the problem lies...if we don't move to get closer to You, we start moving backwards, because life with You can never BE at a standstill. It's like a love relationship. It IS a love relationship. If you don't work at it, it starts to collapse. It's not I haven't wanted You...it's I wanted other things more than You. I was angry...and hating...and lonely...and numb...and...I'm sorry... I need to forgive myself for what I've done...which I can't...but to forgive myself, I need to completely accept Your forgiveness and realise that...