Fallen Out Of Love

Dearest Lord,

*coughs and looks up, blinking hard* I guess this has been coming for a while. I'm listening to a song that says all You want is me. And it's true...

I've been feeling so down and depressed recently...I know You forgave me...but every time You do, even though I'm fully aware of Your forgiveness, and start smiling and singing again, I make no move to get close to You. And that's where the problem lies...if we don't move to get closer to You, we start moving backwards, because life with You can never BE at a standstill.

It's like a love relationship. It IS a love relationship. If you don't work at it, it starts to collapse.

It's not I haven't wanted You...it's I wanted other things more than You. I was angry...and hating...and lonely...and numb...and...I'm sorry...

I need to forgive myself for what I've done...which I can't...but to forgive myself, I need to completely accept Your forgiveness and realise that is the only way I can be forgiven.

It's such a heavy weight...when you're loving for God...and getting hurt constantly...when you finally snap and hate those who have hurt one of the dearest people on earth to you, the hate is so powerful...almost as powerful as the love...but Father, You love through me. Conquer the hate.

Conquer the anger at myself for being hurt, and at others who have not lost as much as I have - but have in other ways. Everyone's hurt is equal. I learned that with C'rissie so long ago...

Conquer the loneliness. The desperate clinging and hurt when no one is there. I need to be so concentrated and centred on You, that no amount of loneliness can hurt me, that the unmet needs don't eat away, that the physical hunger is met by Your spirit...

Oh Lord. My Father...my Love. *buries face in hands*

Be what I need. Meet all my needs. Turn me towards Yourself. Make me the woman I am meant to be. That I should be. That I am not.
Change me...break me...help me not to be terrified of the pain. I am...that is why I don't pray that prayer often as I should...why I choose to stay numb and hopeless and longing for death day after day.

People think it's sick, Lord, that I want to die...but it's a golden gateway. A gateway to...forever...with You. And You're the only worthwhile thing...so what in the world is there to live for?

But You say I need to live for You as well. And I make such a mess of that. But show me...how to live for You. Not just that, but to LIVE You.

Thank You for the one spot of hope You've given. Thank You...for Your love being lived through that.

Change me into Your likeness, that the world may not look at me, but look at me and see You.

Conquer my desires and make my entire focus be on You and pursuing You...don't let Satan ever get hold on my greatest weakness again...and please meet that need.

Oh Father...*rocks back and forth a bit, looking upwards*

Make me fall in love with You again.

In Your Name and through Your Son I ask.

Amen <3

Comments

  1. AnonymousSunday, September 30, 2012 10:10:00 pm

    *hugs* *prays hard*

    God loves you, my dear sister, with an everlasting love that will NEVER EVER EVER let you go. He WILL guide you, shape you, protect you, and mold you into His image. He hears your prayers, he knows your heart. (Romans 8: 26-39)

    "For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. HE IS THE SOURCE OF YOUR LIFE IN CHRIST JESUS, whom God made our WISDOM and our RIGHTEOUSNESS and SANCTIFICATION and REDEMPTION. Therefore, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.'" - 1 Cor. 1: 26 - 31 (emphasis added)

    <3 Pip

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jane JohnsonSunday, September 30, 2012 10:49:00 pm

    Thank you, my beautiful sister. *holds quietly* <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. J. Grace PenningtonMonday, October 01, 2012 7:02:00 pm

    I know just exactly how you feel, my sweet, sweet Jane. *hugs close* God's doing something, big, with all of us. I know it. After bringing us through this valley, He's going to /do/ something. Amazing. *keeps hugging*

    ReplyDelete
  4. DriWednesday, October 03, 2012 3:01:00 pm

    *hugs close* God has you in the palm of His hand and in the shadow of His wings, my dear sweet sister. I love you so much. But He loves you more. <3 My prayers are with you.
    ~Your Dri

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

Popular posts from this blog

Outta 'Arm's Way

Image
It's painful. And it's sore. It's so sore I spend washtime dabbing water on portions of my skin because if I shower properly, I end up crying with pain. It's inherited genetically. I remember Daddy telling me his started when he was 19. It went all over his entire body - including his face. He had the wet kind - weeping, they call it - on his face. He had to go to work every day like that. And he said he felt disgusting, like a leper. Until he took aloe vera tablets, which reduced his eczema to some kind of controllable level. It started when I was a kid. Behind the backs of my knees and in the crooks of my arms. Then it faded until I only had it occasionally on the elbow of my right arm. Last year, it flared up again. REALLY bad. On my arms. Then I went to America. It was bad when I arrived. Came back a little in Oregon due to the dryness of the air. But otherwise, it was cleared. I forgot I had ever had eczema. Then I came home. And started work. ...
Read more

My Battle with Modesty

WARNING: I'm not sure about the appropriateness of this for guys...so if you think it's bad, stop reading. Okay? I read Jay Lauser’s excellent post on A New Kind of Modesty (which you really, really, really should read, though I won’t post it up seven times like my big sister C’rissie :P) yesterday, and thought I would like to blog my struggle and weakness in that area for...encouragement? General opinion? Not quite sure, although it certainly wasn’t out of self consideration. :P Then I read C’rissie’s post connected with Jay’s, A Rant on Modesty ;), which you can read here . And decided that I felt too embarrassed after reading that, because they were both so good and covered the ground enough, so I wouldn’t. Well, this morning, I changed my mind. (Although after rereading it again just, with all the comments, I feel quite small about posting this...*hits send before I rethink*) It’s not too often that I gain a victory over my worldliness to be happy in the clothes I’m weari...
Read more

Best Time of My Life ~ Now

You know those points in life where things just hit you? It came to me as I was washing up in the kitchen, snuggled in my fluffy grey dressing gown, the electric light off and the warm glow of the sunset fading in through the window, Michael Card's Celtic music playing in the background. I'm 21. And finally life seems to be coming, in a way. So many plans and hopes and dreams buzzing through my head, so much that is likely to and so easily can be smashed. "I'm fine on my own," I said aloud, laughed, looked up and sighed. These moments where I'm the only one in the house and can talk out loud on everything with God - cause He already knows it - and know the intimate closeness of Him in my spirit. "No, I'm not. But I'm okay with that. You're here, and You'll be with me until the time is right." Marriages are sprouting up all around me as my friends begin to pair off, and the middle-aged-21 crisis struck me. Not so much because...
Read more