Soap for Jesus

When I rededicated my life to the Lord in my late teens, I began what seemed to be a lesson a year. First it was love - God began to teach me how to love with His love, to see with His eyes, as I prayed for it. The next year was faith, and the following faith and trust. It wasn't like I picked these to work on - love was what brought me back to Him - a breakthrough from my friend Taylor W. - and faith and trust have always been struggles, partly because I like to understand things, and partly because I've never learnt to trust deeply, easily. Faith, as you know if you live by it, is a walk in trust. The two, though different, are deeply and intimately connected. To walk by faith is to walk in trust, and to trust fully means utter and complete faith. One of the joys of following Jesus has been to see His love through different aspects of my life - as I like to say, "God's love is of the same beauty and diversity as a many faceted diamond." First, I learned His...

I just finished reading an encouraging note sent to me by Sarah Beth regarding a question I'd asked about From Self-harm to Victory earlier in the day. I don't know about you, but messages of encouragement always make me cry. And feel guilty. As much as I publicise my weakness so that people see who I am and who Christ is, I still feel like a fraud. That I'm blazoning myself for glory and my actions as good works. That people still can't see the real me. They're suspicious of me, and so am I. And it's hard to carry on being me and showing so much weakness. Do you know how hard it is to be openly weak? To listen to others discourage you and to despise yourself for it? She praised me for humility and I could only cry knowing how much I fight with pride. Then I stopped and listened. Because Someone was telling me to let go of my guilt and shame and accept what she said. Not as praise for me, but as praise for Him in me. Praise from Him to me. No, I...

Recently, it was the birthday of The Dude. It was kinda a hard day, despite this place of constant peace and resting the Lord has provided. It took a bit of pondering, over the past few weeks, whether or not to send a birthday greeting. After all, he totally blanked (probably forgot, you know what men are like :P ) my birthday this year, in spite of our past friendship of seven years. The one part was going, "Well, I want to ignore him. He ignored me. Maybe I should just leave it to public holiday greetings from now." The catty, angry, self-righteous part wanted to send him a greeting, just to say to myself that at least I did the right thing. And both of them were holding back because, well, I don't want to give in to the self-righteous part. I want to love him right and purely. In the end, I sent it. Because holding back isn't an option. When you love, you give all, whether or not it's returned. It's a rejoicing day because someone is alive, someo...

There's just something I want to close up today's mass of posts (particularly on Facebook, though also attempted on Google Plus and a few on Twitter) with, before I go to my corner chair with my fluffy blanket and Sherlock Holmes DVD. I truly hope that today has shown, not just from me, but from the others who have been (and on the other side of the pond, still are) participating in our Singles' Valentine, where our hearts and love truly lie. Being single is not something to be morose and sad about. It's a joy to be able to focus heart, life and mind in, around and on Christ. Even if we feel the sting of rejection, or not being wanted, we know there IS Someone Who wants us, Who made us, Who rejoices in us, and Who loves us completely. Today is our day to celebrate loving and living for Him. He has loved us unconditionally. His love drove Him to die for us, to bear all our sins, and to conquer death by rising from the grave. But that wasn't the end of it. No. Fo...

Standing in the cold, hands in my pockets with cars splashing past, I gaze up at the inky blue sky. No stars are out, for it's heavy with clouds. Kinda hard to believe that the shortest day has come and gone. Soon, though, the difference will start to show. Six long months of waiting, and light will come again. Light will always come again...until the Light of the World comes to outshine it forever. It's a night like any other. The X51 is late. It's always late recently, and my skin is a grey-purply-white shade when it arrives at the bus stop, 20 minutes after me. I'm in jeans and a jumper, like I would be any other dress down day before Christmas. "Days of Elijah" is on repeat and I'm having a hard time not singing aloud. Thoughts are busy romping in my head though. Cause this is the last night I shall ever travel home on the X51 from work. I glance up the street as I board the bus. Emotions are mixed as I prepare not only to change my travel, but...

Staring blankly at the screen, or out the window, coming back to myself with the realisation that the words are pounding through my head; "He's gone. He lied. Like all the others. And he's never coming back. He's gone. Forever." Biting down on my lip to escape the moan as the tears well up in my eyes again. I grab the mouse and click onto the next comment, head held proudly, not going to let the row of colleagues sitting facing me see my grief. Too late. The tears splash down my face, making sharp cracky sounds as they hit the paper I'm working from. Ash, my colleague next to me, laughs a bit uneasily. "You were crying yesterday. Isn't that enough now?" He's half teasing, I know. I answer with a half smile, "For a broken heart? Na. I'll be crying for many days yet." "Many days...?" He let his voice trail off. Yeah, not many people are getting this. "It's just normal boy/girl stuff," they say. "...

IT'S PAINFUL! Oh, God, it's so painful. Why should I suffer like this? What have I ever done to deserve it? I've tried to follow You. Tried to do what You say. I've gone through my memories and I can't think of any sin I haven't repented of. So why am I going through this? Those cries sound so familiar, echoed in the cries of those not born again..."If God was good, why do good people suffer?" And through the story of Job. Maybe you've cried them. I know I have, guiltily. And you know all the usual defending comments; that we are all sinners, that God grieves with us but that this is part of the curse. Yes, He could stop it. Do you know why He doesn't? Because when you're living the easy life, how often do you turn to Him? How often do you seek His face, to grow closer to Him and learn of Him? How much is the value of earthly things to you, when you are in pain? Because, to quote one tweet I read earlier: "The t...

If you've been in love, and stuff happened. I think...I hope...we pray...this might help. Which is the only reason we're sharing. Because God allows things to happen for a reason. And a lot of the time, it's so what we've gone through can minister to others. Apparently love cannot break down all walls. But prayer does. 1 Corinthians 13. It breaks your heart. Live it. It brings you to the heart of love. God. You won't be shielded from the pain. Pain is born to expand your heart. To love ever deeper. And thus know His heart. Carissa: *hugs* I'm sorry, dear... I am praying. Keep close to God. Me: *hugs back* Thank you. I'm trying, but my physical health is starting to fail now. I...found...something...out..accidentally. It hurts... Praying... He's not talking to me and I don't know why. Trusting God and keeping refocusing...but it's very. Crushingish. Even though I'm at peace. If that makes sense. Carissa: *sighs* That i...

Lady. As a little girl, the word conjured up images of aristocratic society women with high piled hair, dainty hats and pretty Victorian-y dresses, complete with parasols and fans with refined accents. I was a very girlish girl, and deep inside had a longing to be like that. At the same time, strangely, there arose the wild me, the one with the crazy urges to do daring things, but that sat on them and hid behind long hair and long skirts. Then I joined cadets. I realised that the world of wild and daring antics didn't just belong to boys. And the tomboy in me jumped up and down on the girlishness as I backslid, sneering it for weakness. With backsliding and hardening as I hit the world full pelt came jeering at womanly things. I didn't need to be some man's meek little wife and everlasting baby factory. I was _me_. Individual. Strong. Able to face the world on her own. I was a woman. No lady. My actions degraded me from the Queen of Purity and Virtue to a tag-al...

Father's Day. Used to be a day when I'd go out and find a card and a present. Heh...dads. Men. They're so difficult to buy for. We'd usually buy him a tie. Socks. A shirt. Then this "Best Dad in the World" mug. Blue and white thick stripes with a "Forever Friends" bear face on the front with this blue bow tie. Then I grew older. I realised that my Mom had a lot of truth in what she said to my dad. I realised a lot of Dad's faults - and they weren't "general weak" faults. It grew harder to find a card for a man that wasn't...a real good daddy. But that showed caring and respect without eulogising him above the stars. Then everything exploded three years ago. I wasn't buying cards any more. I wasn't buying presents any more. Suddenly, I didn't even have a daddy any more. My flight lieutenant was the closest father figure I had and was very supportive during that time. But I had to handle Dad's birt...

Do you know the feeling of carrying the weight of knowledge that every single person you try to help is being let down by you to a small degree because of the amount of people you try to help while living? I pray you don't. But you might. Do you know the feeling of putting your arm around someone and snuggling them close in their anger and pain and tears, and your heart wanting to explode with the message of God's love and hope, and you're powerless to express it? I pray you don't. Maybe you do. Do you know the feeling of sitting next to your best friend and hearing them say they just want to be happy, and you know WHY they're lacking it, but you're painfully unable to open their eyes to their need of Christ? Do you ever stand and absorb the pain of those nearest to you, using your mind to understand their struggles, why they are where they are and realise you are standing knowing, but unable to do? Do you know what it's like to feel them lash out at ...

DO. NOT. LOOK. AT. THAT. FLOWER. Do not admire it. Do not appreciate it. Do not even compliment it. After all, it was designed by a Creator. And we should only thank the Creator for making the flower. "That flower is pretty!" is NOT an acceptable comment. "What a beautiful scent!" is also totally wrong. Does that sound acceptable, or do I sound like an idiot? ;) Would you agree that most of the time, the acceptable way to appreciate natural beauty is to praise it AND praise God for it? Oookay. So let's move from the third day of creation to the sixth. And...not to the animals. To humans! Recently, there's been an argument put forward that it is wrong for a guy to compliment a girl. It is that subject I'm attempting to address in a fashion today. Okay, so maybe the flowers don't have feelings that can be affected by such comments. If they did hear them, in association with praise to the Creator for them, do you think they would feel p...

I don't really have much to say. Still thinking. At a brick wall. Learning. Praying. Crying. Waiting. I hate waiting. *small grin* But here is an image of what I believe surrender means. Think about it. (With thanks to MattTheSamurai and DeviantArt - http://th05.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2010/194/8/5/Field_of_Poppies___II_by_MattTheSamurai.jpg) In Christ, Mademoiselle Siân

It's almost funny, really. I so wanted to write this blog post yesterday, but as much as I tried, it wasn't ready to come. This wasn't the way I dreamed of writing it; slumped in a pool of despondency. But it's now I believe I'm s'posed to try and write it. It's almost funny. But I'm depressed. So it's not. So Lord, do Your best with this. Cause it's not going to be mine. And maybe that's why You wanted me to wait until now. Prayer and Bible reading are meant to be a way of life for a Christian. But they aren't an instantaneous desire, springing up and flowering as soon as you become a Christian. They're called a discipline for a good reason. It's hard to create and maintain a discipline - particularly for disorganised, spontaneous people like me. Recovering from the blow in February through to the beginning of April has taken me until now to start a degree of healing on, but God has been wonderfully sweet and close and started...

I am naturally a strong woman. So are all the women in our family, in usually most areas bar one. Currently, I'm looking more and more towards living my life as a single woman (which is really not up for discussion as all I usually get is jeers and you-can't-do-its), but as this post has been in my head for some time, I figured I'd write it anyway. Women all have some kind of guy-requirement list that they look for in a man, particularly in a man they'd like to marry. Part of the "qualifiers" I look for in a guy are not just that he is a Christian, growing actively in God and seeking to put Him first in everything, not just that he is tender-hearted but wise, not just that he is thrifty but not stingy, but that he is stronger than me. Believe me, that's very hard. *grin* I've only met two guys in my life that are. My Achilles heel makes it so there has to be a guy who is stronger than me in my life. Most girls hate me when I say it, but to some degree,...

You know those points in life where things just hit you? It came to me as I was washing up in the kitchen, snuggled in my fluffy grey dressing gown, the electric light off and the warm glow of the sunset fading in through the window, Michael Card's Celtic music playing in the background. I'm 21. And finally life seems to be coming, in a way. So many plans and hopes and dreams buzzing through my head, so much that is likely to and so easily can be smashed. "I'm fine on my own," I said aloud, laughed, looked up and sighed. These moments where I'm the only one in the house and can talk out loud on everything with God - cause He already knows it - and know the intimate closeness of Him in my spirit. "No, I'm not. But I'm okay with that. You're here, and You'll be with me until the time is right." Marriages are sprouting up all around me as my friends begin to pair off, and the middle-aged-21 crisis struck me. Not so much because...

So I was pretty stoked to write on an issue of waiting on God recently, which was going to be today's blog post. I'm not writing very much this year. :P Oh well, there has been a lot going on! Emotionally, if nothing else. No, you don't get an update on that. Another upcoming post will be focused on marriage to someone with a past, and on a lot of budding relationships recently that have been cut short by either "caring" parents or by the participants themselves because of something to do with the person's past. That's still developing though. :P Tonight an issue cropped up where a friend of mine asked me what I thought on him being married to his girlfriend with a witness before God and outside of a legal wedding. My response was that I'd have to think and pray about it. Still not done on the praying issue yet, but here's some of the thinking - thanks to the 15 voters who chose this post. ;) In an ideal world, church and state would be uni...

Basically, a couple of thoughts from my much pondering brain. Which is currently on overload. Firstly - I really need to sort things out. My chats are going into disarray; I have to start implementing a system of replying to every chat systematically before replying to one twice. I have to specifically start setting housework time aside, like I'm doing with sibling visits. I also have to set paperwork, letterwriting and cleaning times aside. I'm useless with all of these and they all desperately need improving. Secondly - I've found out a way to literally keep my brain turning over during the dead-pan time of being on the phone for seven hours with no surveys, which fact a) teaches persistent patient cheerfulness to the respondents, b) it shows me my ill attitude at the increase of pressure and irritation at not being free to do what I want to do and c) makes me want to throw my computer and phone out the window. Anyway - the way. :P It's kinda like the word as...