Best Time of My Life ~ Now

You know those points in life where things just hit you?

It came to me as I was washing up in the kitchen, snuggled in my fluffy grey dressing gown, the electric light off and the warm glow of the sunset fading in through the window, Michael Card's Celtic music playing in the background.

I'm 21. And finally life seems to be coming, in a way. So many plans and hopes and dreams buzzing through my head, so much that is likely to and so easily can be smashed.

"I'm fine on my own," I said aloud, laughed, looked up and sighed. These moments where I'm the only one in the house and can talk out loud on everything with God - cause He already knows it - and know the intimate closeness of Him in my spirit.

"No, I'm not. But I'm okay with that. You're here, and You'll be with me until the time is right."

Marriages are sprouting up all around me as my friends begin to pair off, and the middle-aged-21 crisis struck me. Not so much because I too want a husband, home and children of my own, but also because I was losing my friends.

God nicely chided me with that recently as I develop two warm friendships with my best girl friend at work, Mrs Jess Phelps, and my newly adopted one-month-older sister, Mrs Perry Kirkpatrick. :)

Due to my past, I also have a need to be close to someone. But that's okay. I'm going to try and stop freaking out about needing someone. Cause God knows that. I need to trust Him with it and let go. And rejoice in the now.

Someone recently wanted me to consider entering a relationship headed towards marriage with them (not Mr. C.). I honestly considered it. But amongst all the other things that made me know in my spirit that it was not where God wanted me, is the growing sense of - it's not right yet.

I wandered to the window and peered out, up at the sky. I love the blueness. Somehow it seems God is so close when the sky is blue. It makes me happy. :) And I love the sunset, the wistful potency of it, forgotten promises, shadows of dreams to be.

All my longing...

My dreams that as yet cannot be and may never be...

My love of singing...

The ache of passion and longing when I play music...

My love of languages...

My desire to help those many young people hurt and suffering with decisions so like mine...

My love of politics...and the military...

My love for a man who does not return it...

My desperate longing to comfort, protect and love my mother the way she needs and my constant failure to do so...

The failure that I feel I am so often, especially in relation to my siblings and friends...

The pain of the past and the hope of the present...

And that weird, wistful, drawing out of my being in longing towards something I do not know...


It's okay.

I had to smile as I realised my freedom to switch the music up, to drop the washing up and scamper upstairs like an irresponsible teen to write this down to share.

These are truly the best days of my life. Freedom to globe-trot and dance and sing loudly if I want.

And if the days come for me to marry and have my own children, those will be the best days of my life.

And if they don't, and I fill my life with helping others and serving God, those will be the best days of my life.

Because it's the best days of your life when you're on the path God's marked out for you. Whether you feel that way or not.


I was a child for longer than most and perhaps that is why I have had to go through more painful growing than most. I'm learning and growing and smiling and reaching towards Him and the crippling blows somehow never cripple because with all of the injuries and all of the scars of my heart, I can smile because He's still here. He's carried me through.

Talking of smiling, here's something really sweet my colleague Nathaniel said to me the other day: "Even if I come into work on a bad day and I'm feeling down, you never fail to make me smile."

*delighted face* That's not meant to be big-headed, it was just pure joy to me to see God still loving and shining out of my life even when I feel like I'm being the worst Christian on earth.

I want, and in a sense, need to be married, though many would disagree with the reasoning behind that.

But I'm not ready yet.

I was thinking that God was giving it to girls who were spiritually mature and closer to Him than me. Which as you can imagine was leaving me pretty confused. But it's not that they're closer to God than I am. Though that is probably true. :)
It's just that that's where He wants them right now. And it's not where He wants me.

The banana's not ripe yet. *smiles at Hanathon*

He's given me love! Incredible gift that that is. Some girls don't even have that. I am one incredibly blessed girl. Just to love, even without it being returned. To be blessed to love one of the most incredible guys I have ever known. In a way, probably the most incredible guy I've ever known.

Okay, enough use of incredible. :D (He is though. :P)


Even running upstairs and flipping the laptop on. *laughs* I was saying to Lapina, "Come on, girl. I need to write, now!"
No, I didn't. I'm just impatient.

Most authors will tell you that a good story needs time to mature. You have a story idea, you want to start on it straight away and then often it fizzles out once the initial story spark is gone.
If you sit back, and you let it grow and think about it and develop it and chew it over, it grows into something big and wonderful. That comes with curbing the impatience and learning to wait.

I'm one of THE most impatient women on God's earth. These two years of waiting, if nothing else, have taught me that. When I want, I want NOW. And I'm pretty sure that God's not gonna leave it with two years of waiting. There's more to come and my poem is being written and my story plot developed and He's choosing the threads for weaving and waiting for the banana to ripen.

*smiles quietly*

Love, patience, trust, peace. And the hardest - joy in the waiting and giving the fear and pain and constant worry to God. Let go. Let God. Love and pursue God. He gives you the longing. Give it back and He will bless it. Even if only through teaching another aspect of Himself. He will woo your heart and make you fall in love with Him, like every good man does.

~Mademoiselle Siân