Soap for Jesus

Note: The way I live out my faith is...somewhat radical, because I believe in an intimate relationship with Jesus. So be prepared. :P I felt sticky, and ugghy, and grotty and bleh as I stepped outside of the office building where I work. It was another dragging high pressure day, and as much as I love my job, the atmosphere (and the worry) sometimes gets to me. Pulling my phone out of my jacket pocket as I began the twenty(ish) minute walk to the train station, I tried to catch up on a few people's posts, shielding the phone from the glare of the sun. A dear friend and sister posted about how some cruel people had laughed and called her fat before running off, and how broken she was feeling. Couldn't do much, but posted a quick note and walked off praying for her. It's been a beautiful day, in the between. And the between is what counts, isn't it? For right now, I'm in the brightness, the sun shining bright and the world glowing with colour and hope and beau...

Sometimes I think the world has a clearer grasp of right and wrong than we as Christians do, although they try to explain it wrongly. Christians tend to blur up the Bible in an attempt to accept everything they see around them. "Oh, God can't have said. God didn't mean." Well, maybe He did and you just don't want to accept it because you're putting your little code of what you think is right and wrong before His. While our faith is based on historical facts and logical processes, most of the day to day living is a sheer walk of faith. After all, isn't that why it's called our "faith"? Faith like a child. Trusting. Simple. Daddy loves me enough to catch me when I jump. Mommy loves me enough to keep me away from the hot iron and the cars on the road. Faith that while we don't understand and maybe never will understand God's ways or reasoning, He is right and just. Faith means grasping the simplicity of life and leaving the conf...

Believe it or not, this was actually a planned post over the last couple of days. Because I tend to preach things when I'm struggling with them; post encouragement when I'm in desperate need of it; write words that I know are true to make myself believe them, as well as you. I can't remember the original substance of this post, as hard as I'm trying to recall it and wind it in with what I'm writing now. I write a lot on Twitter; in fact, I'm more open on Twitter than on Facebook because I feel safer. My tweets get lost in millions of others, and only two specific people watch my tweets to see how I am. So I thought. I've received rebukes off people before for being too open, being too depressing. Watching my kids recently turn away from God and to despair added into the fact that I'm getting left behind by many of my friends as they enter college/leave college and-or get married was just part of the unconscious building up of "hard evidence...

The lovely Katie Comstock posted this on her blog recently and sent me a link. Now I share it with you, and pray that those who need to read it will read - and listen to - it. This is an anthem for the homesick, for the beaten, The lost and broke, the defeated - A song for the heartsick, for the standbys, Living life in the shadow of a goodbye. Do you remember when we learned how to fly? We'd play make-believe we were young and had time on our side. You're stuck on the ground; got lost, can't be found. Just remember that you're still alive. I'll carry you home; no, you're not alone. Keep marching on - this is worth fighting for. You know, we've all got battle scars. You've had enough. But just don't give up. Stick to your guns; you are worth fighting for. You know, we've all got battle scars. Keep marching on. This is a call to the soldiers, the fighters, The young, the innocent and righteous. We've got a little room...

Demon eyes, demon child. What's inside that makes you wild? What's the thing that they all see? That evil twisted part of me. Freaky face with mouth of lies - Demon child with demon eyes. "Don't defile God's handiwork! Stop claiming that there's only mirk." Am I really? How can I be When that's all you claim to see in me? Forget the fight to try for good. Apparently that's only crud. All you see is Demon child, Perhaps it wakes all your 'defiled'. I hate this twisted poetry. It only comes out in agony. But what do they care? They laugh and scorn - Other hearts will bleed and mourn. It's near impossible to tell Who's from heaven with their echoes of hell. Gossip-grieve, they bury the corpse Of Demon child they killed with thoughts. When sin is birthed, then it is death. I was slain on their whispered breath. Their 'loving concern' behind my back - So like the Master, isn't that? Forget the goo...

There's a hole in my heart that cannot heal. Most of the time, I'm running. I'm learning to run with a smile, now. God is, slowly but surely, teaching me to find joy in every circumstance; to see His blessing Hand throughout the sadness. There's one problem I'm still having, though. It's learning to praise Him for the pain. I can thank Him for using the pain - and have, even to using the loss of the one I loved most, for I watched Him do it even as I lost him. I run from pain. Hate it. And now I'm running from him. From every single memory that he was ever in. I reconstruct my life and future without him, focusing on keeping busy, being productive, serving God. But the hole is there. And I run. It's harder than it should be to store everything away. When Taylor told me that to break free of the darkness and despair, I had to love, I randomly picked someone and tried to love them with God's love because I felt I had to. I didn't realise...

I've debated a while about posting this. A) Because I loathe pity and people always feeling they are meant to be sorry for me. B) Because all the people who dislike me/have major issues with me will be feeling triumphant. But I've tried to always be honest and share my bad side, to some degree, because...because that's part of me too. And...for those who do...look up to/respect me, who wants a perfect mentor? I'd have - and have had - a lot of trouble talking to people who don't understand where I am. So yeah. Here is part of my pain, shared with our prayer group the other night. Read it, and know that God is still here. Still there. With you. No matter the darkness, and oh, yes. I know how black it can get. I don't often write stuff like this, so...yeah. No matter the blog posts, I'm almost constantly struggling with depression. If you'd call it that. More like despair. I can recognise when a wave is about to hit...but can do nothing to pre...

Staring blankly at the screen, or out the window, coming back to myself with the realisation that the words are pounding through my head; "He's gone. He lied. Like all the others. And he's never coming back. He's gone. Forever." Biting down on my lip to escape the moan as the tears well up in my eyes again. I grab the mouse and click onto the next comment, head held proudly, not going to let the row of colleagues sitting facing me see my grief. Too late. The tears splash down my face, making sharp cracky sounds as they hit the paper I'm working from. Ash, my colleague next to me, laughs a bit uneasily. "You were crying yesterday. Isn't that enough now?" He's half teasing, I know. I answer with a half smile, "For a broken heart? Na. I'll be crying for many days yet." "Many days...?" He let his voice trail off. Yeah, not many people are getting this. "It's just normal boy/girl stuff," they say. "...

If you've been in love, and stuff happened. I think...I hope...we pray...this might help. Which is the only reason we're sharing. Because God allows things to happen for a reason. And a lot of the time, it's so what we've gone through can minister to others. Apparently love cannot break down all walls. But prayer does. 1 Corinthians 13. It breaks your heart. Live it. It brings you to the heart of love. God. You won't be shielded from the pain. Pain is born to expand your heart. To love ever deeper. And thus know His heart. Carissa: *hugs* I'm sorry, dear... I am praying. Keep close to God. Me: *hugs back* Thank you. I'm trying, but my physical health is starting to fail now. I...found...something...out..accidentally. It hurts... Praying... He's not talking to me and I don't know why. Trusting God and keeping refocusing...but it's very. Crushingish. Even though I'm at peace. If that makes sense. Carissa: *sighs* That i...