A Day in the Life:

Note: The way I live out my faith is...somewhat radical, because I believe in an intimate relationship with Jesus. So be prepared. :P

I felt sticky, and ugghy, and grotty and bleh as I stepped outside of the office building where I work.

It was another dragging high pressure day, and as much as I love my job, the atmosphere (and the worry) sometimes gets to me. Pulling my phone out of my jacket pocket as I began the twenty(ish) minute walk to the train station, I tried to catch up on a few people's posts, shielding the phone from the glare of the sun.

A dear friend and sister posted about how some cruel people had laughed and called her fat before running off, and how broken she was feeling. Couldn't do much, but posted a quick note and walked off praying for her.

It's been a beautiful day, in the between. And the between is what counts, isn't it? For right now, I'm in the brightness, the sun shining bright and the world glowing with colour and hope and beauty and ideas all swirling and tossing in my head. God knows the days - or the day, rather, for I don't like looking too far ahead any more - that are coming; I don't - that's a beautiful mix of stability and adventure.

Depression comes like a mist for me. Cold, long fingers that are almost invisible at first, slowly fading out the sun.

One day, I'll be okay and bright with these hopes and so many exciting thoughts racing round in my head, and then, later in the evening, a faint dark dread of the next day, of having to get up and face the same routine again.
Maybe the next day will be a bit duller, a bit more dreary.
Then the weariness - the constant tiredness, maybe the nightmares...falling asleep for hours on end and still being tired...just wanting life to be over and to be home. I'll look up and see the blue sky and the fresh green leaves and the sparkling sunshine but I won't see them. Just be struggling to stave off another panic attack, drag my feet up the hill, wondering if I'm dying...hoping. The memories sometimes hit. Sometimes it's too dull. Sometimes I'm suicidally depressed, but not so often any more. I just want life to end because it's so dreary, such a burden. Reading God's Word is a chore. Praying is nigh on impossible. Couple of whispered words slipped past my lips that seem to be hitting the lead sky. Is He even listening? So alone...there's so many people around me and they care, but it's not reaching that dry, lonely, empty part.
Then a crack of hope - not the ones that occasionally break through, brighten the dreariness and then fade away into the dullness - but one that stays, and lingers...then widens...and hope creeps through the door to blaze for a while before the mist comes back.

But you know, if it wasn't for the mist and the darkness...I wouldn't appreciate the relief or the blessing of light and hope and colour. It would just be another one of those things in my life. And it takes the shadow to make the light that much stronger.
I've prayed for God to take me through certain paths so that I can experience what I'm trying to minister to others. This was one I definitely didn't want, but with my past, unsurprising that I've had. Trying to find ways to conquer it that bring God glory - it's a blessing. It really is. In an undefinable, beautiful way.
By the way...seeing the beauty in it is a choice. Don't forget that. You have to look for the jewels before you find them - look hard.


As I walked back home from the train station without my MP3, I looked up with a half shy grin. "Hey Lord...do You want a date?"
(I have this thing where I walk along as though the Lord is next to me and just talk out everything I'm thinking and feeling, praise Him for the beauty around me or anything special in my life right now, just like a date.)
We haven't done one in a while, and it's been some of the times where I've been the closest to the Lord - whether it's been a laughter one, a glowing one, a quiet one, a tear-and-screaming one or one that has been so beautiful it feels like I've come close to the gates of Heaven itself. The feeling, if one can use that word, is indescribable.

So we walked back home, the Lord and me. I talked out thankfulness for what's around me, for His love and His using me in spite of who and what I am, in spite of my selfish self-centredness most of the time, how I'm feeling about my job, my desire to serve Him in another capacity and in a place where I'd be more focussed on others and Him and less on myself and pleasing others. Then (of course) I brought up Mr. C. Sometimes it's okay to pray about him; sometimes, when he's constantly in my thoughts and weighing heavy on me, it isn't. Hard to explain.
I thanked God for the love He's given me, and the beauty of learning how to love him purely and pray for him and want God's will for him, for him to become a mighty man of God and used by God above all else. It is. Truly. A blessing. Still gifted with this love. It's taught me so much. No, it hasn't. God's used it to. It's beautiful, and as I said to the Lord the other day, I don't regret it. No matter how many times I beg God to bring him back into my life, to erase all memory of him in the darkest hours, when it comes down to it - I don't regret it. I regret a lot of things in our friendship, but not that God gave this love to me for him.

But even the calling to love him still may be wrong.

Once more, I recommitted it to Him. "I don't want to give him up, Lord. But I want You more than anything, and if this is in the way of You in my life, then remove it."

Then the rain started. Not a spattering, but thick, heavy drops that increased until I was soaked through. But I who hate the rain walked on smiling. Because I was walking towards the sunshine, still bright and warm and strong. And I knew exactly what was forming behind me.

When I went to America last year, when I saw him for the last time - as I flew into New York, praying and asking God if I was doing the right thing, I looked out of the window and saw, on the clouds, the shadow of the aeroplane. It was circled by a bright rainbow. One of those beautiful little things that God does...I was in the circle of His promise and I knew, no matter how the trip went (and I've never been so uncertain of doing the right thing in my life, even though God moved a bunch of things for me to go), that I was right where I was meant to be.

I crossed the street and turned to check - behind me, there was a bright rainbow. As I fumbled for my camera, a guy called out as he passed, "It's a double rainbow!"

But it wasn't even a double rainbow. It turned into a triple rainbow.

And I couldn't help dropping to my knees a little further up the hill to thank Him. For the rainbow is His promise. I know He is with me. And I know I'm right where He wants me to be.

I don't know what the heck He's doing. I'd often do things differently, only to laugh down the line about how perfect His timing is, even the bad things that come into my life at seemingly the worst moments often only shine out Him. But He's God. :) And I trust Him, because I don't know everything. He does, even if I don't understand that. Even though the depression will return.

The Son and the rain always form a rainbow. It just depends whether you're looking at the puddles or at the sky.

~It's funny what You use to help me grow...

I can see a silver linin'
When the sun's not shinin'.
Even when You choose to bring the rain
Oh, but there's freedom believin'
And trustin' Your leadin',
'Cause You're Lord of all my joy and all my pain.

So I'll learn to love these days
Life along the way
In the middle of the crazy
God, your love is so amazing
Through the ups and downs
You're the only hope I've found
Lord, You meet me in the madness
So I'll learn to love these days.~ Mandisa

In Christ's love,
~Siân