Soap for Jesus

When I rededicated my life to the Lord in my late teens, I began what seemed to be a lesson a year. First it was love - God began to teach me how to love with His love, to see with His eyes, as I prayed for it. The next year was faith, and the following faith and trust. It wasn't like I picked these to work on - love was what brought me back to Him - a breakthrough from my friend Taylor W. - and faith and trust have always been struggles, partly because I like to understand things, and partly because I've never learnt to trust deeply, easily. Faith, as you know if you live by it, is a walk in trust. The two, though different, are deeply and intimately connected. To walk by faith is to walk in trust, and to trust fully means utter and complete faith. One of the joys of following Jesus has been to see His love through different aspects of my life - as I like to say, "God's love is of the same beauty and diversity as a many faceted diamond." First, I learned His...

Note: The way I live out my faith is...somewhat radical, because I believe in an intimate relationship with Jesus. So be prepared. :P I felt sticky, and ugghy, and grotty and bleh as I stepped outside of the office building where I work. It was another dragging high pressure day, and as much as I love my job, the atmosphere (and the worry) sometimes gets to me. Pulling my phone out of my jacket pocket as I began the twenty(ish) minute walk to the train station, I tried to catch up on a few people's posts, shielding the phone from the glare of the sun. A dear friend and sister posted about how some cruel people had laughed and called her fat before running off, and how broken she was feeling. Couldn't do much, but posted a quick note and walked off praying for her. It's been a beautiful day, in the between. And the between is what counts, isn't it? For right now, I'm in the brightness, the sun shining bright and the world glowing with colour and hope and beau...

Believe it or not, this was actually a planned post over the last couple of days. Because I tend to preach things when I'm struggling with them; post encouragement when I'm in desperate need of it; write words that I know are true to make myself believe them, as well as you. I can't remember the original substance of this post, as hard as I'm trying to recall it and wind it in with what I'm writing now. I write a lot on Twitter; in fact, I'm more open on Twitter than on Facebook because I feel safer. My tweets get lost in millions of others, and only two specific people watch my tweets to see how I am. So I thought. I've received rebukes off people before for being too open, being too depressing. Watching my kids recently turn away from God and to despair added into the fact that I'm getting left behind by many of my friends as they enter college/leave college and-or get married was just part of the unconscious building up of "hard evidence...

This past weekend, I attended a Youth Conference (along with one of my UK besties, Stephanie, and my twin, Joseph) at Bethel Free Baptist Church in Birmingham. What I was expecting ran something along the lines of: 1) Listen to preaching and be fed 2) Sit awkwardly on the sidelines and fail miserably at interacting 3) Spend the weekend watching and listening What actually happened was totally different. God moved this weekend. I watched young people recommit their lives to the Lord. I recommitted my life to the Lord. I gave Him the burden of my broken heart and prayed for release. It's still broken, but He's got the burden of it now and the joy is...unspeakable. I watched my Stephie change from a girl who is shy and self-controlled, though happy, start singing in public - something she would never do even if I begged, though she'd do anything else. I watched as she stepped out on the streets to witness - which she was scared sick of. I watched her cry, and go to ...

Oh my gosh. I'm actually going. That was pretty much my reaction Wednesday night when Mom, oh so casually, directed George to also casually place an envelope containing the exact amount of money I needed to pay for my flight to America. Of course, it shouldn't have been any more than a little nice surprise, but it was. Because all the jigsaw pieces had to fall into the right place at exactly the right time. I think it started back at the beginning of this year/end of last year. Mom promised me that because of my helping out with some of the bills, she would gift me a trip to America when the money came through. I had two choices - the OYAN Winter Workshop, or Laura and Daniel's wedding. I chose the wedding. Which meant that when the date was set, the money would have to be through. I plotted out the trip, and asked Mom if I could take an extra trip - yes, all okay. Then the money didn't come through. Because the solicitors had to sort it out. Etc, etc. Poor Mom, ...

People have posted and I meant to the night after OYAN ended, but stuff happened. Y'know, like stuff does. And now I'm curled up for half an hour, trying to think exactly how to say the stuff in my heart. Friday night, June 21st, ended OYAN Summer Workshop 2013. I'd gone back to my dorm to put some stuff down before coming back, and missed the prayer over Mr S. As I wandered back around the outskirts of the group praying and singing, eyes closed and tears streaming, Jonny came over to me, pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. I crumbled against him and started crying. When I finally looked up as the crush of bodies increased, the OYAN people were three deep around me. I was nose to nose with Marybeth, also weeping, with Kristin's expressive chocolate eyes fixed on me with a sad, trembly smile on her lips. This place isn't just any place. This place is our home because we are all there. No, not even that. We could all be there and have no bond...

It's almost funny, really. I so wanted to write this blog post yesterday, but as much as I tried, it wasn't ready to come. This wasn't the way I dreamed of writing it; slumped in a pool of despondency. But it's now I believe I'm s'posed to try and write it. It's almost funny. But I'm depressed. So it's not. So Lord, do Your best with this. Cause it's not going to be mine. And maybe that's why You wanted me to wait until now. Prayer and Bible reading are meant to be a way of life for a Christian. But they aren't an instantaneous desire, springing up and flowering as soon as you become a Christian. They're called a discipline for a good reason. It's hard to create and maintain a discipline - particularly for disorganised, spontaneous people like me. Recovering from the blow in February through to the beginning of April has taken me until now to start a degree of healing on, but God has been wonderfully sweet and close and started...

*chuckles* I'm lying here in a half numb, half blank, half calm (three halves, yes, I know :P) frame of mind. Kristin just asked me how I was, and I answered, I'm thinking God is weirdly good. Cause He is. My mom's in need of prayer, a lot of it, especially as the first court date with my father on the 15th nears. I'm lying here in emotional and physical pain. And apparently I "don't have any major stress in my life", a comment I'm currently finding hard to forgive. *smiles, thinking* I messed up again recently. I do that frequently. And I've been convinced God's going to punish me, as usual. If He has, He's done it in the sweetest way. I might have lost most of the things I love, but God's shown me His love, His people, and Mom and Mr C are the most important things in life. I might be in despair and lost in the darkness, but there's always someone out there who's more lost than me cause they haven't go...

You cannot love God unless your spirit is alive. The world approaches love in one of two ways - body and soul, or soul and body. It's based on physical attraction or emotional compatability. There's a third aspect which no one considers. Every religion recognises something that most non-religionists don't. Man has an inbuilt need to worship. That is caused by the spirit. The spirit is dead until Christ enters it when we are born again and it comes alive. Christians should approach love from the other end of the triangle - top down. Spirit, soul, body. The world recognises marriage as a union between people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, but it cannot recognise the reason it is so powerful, why it is so attacked, and why it is being so twisted and perverted as it is. Because it is one of the most powerful demonstrations of the love of God to man, of the union between Christ and the church; the most liveable of all loves. And the second that...

So I made a chicken goulashy thing for tea. :D No, it wasn't against the Daleks. *cough* It was so yummy, I wrote down the recipe before I forgot it. :D Fry an onion in butter (preferably in a saucepan :D). Add one can of chopped tomatoes. Cook. Chop in half of the chicken breast (we use a whole chicken for three days' meals). Throw in some fresh herbs (basil, thyme and oregano) and dried herbs (basil and mixed herbs). Mix. Sprinkle with Spicy Chill Mix (El Paso). Grate in some cheese. Heat up Lemon Basmati Rice in the microwave. For drinks, serve up bitter lemon and Tango orange. :D I'm lying here in bed, very, very conscious that in six hours time, I will be at the ICC in Birmingham auditioning for Britain's Got Talent. I keep shooting between certainty of failure and positive terror. :P I know that operatic style singers aren't usually taken to kindly, I know I'm not a trained singer, I know I blush bright red when I have to sing in front o...

Now I've posted one topic on the state of my affections, ready yourselves for a barrage of day-to-day stuff I notice comparative between the love of God and this earthly, God-given affection. :D One of my friends posted an interesting reply to my last night tweet, which was: God is so very good to me, that I'm so very in love with two wonderful guys. He said: You can't be 'in love' with someone you've never met. I'm guessing he meant I couldn't be in love with God. But again, I had to chuckle, because the guy I'm in love with now, I have loved for two years. I met him last year and spent a very short period of time with him, and that has been the one and only time in our lives, in our four-and-a-half year friendship that we've met. Oh yes, I can be in love with someone I've never met. I spend time every day or couple of days chatting with him. I talk about him. I think about him. I pray over him. I think of him when doing som...

I woke up this morning not feeling very good. Well, I usually feel physically great after a lie in, but not mentally, especially when waking at 1pm. About half an hour later, Mom was just about to go out. "Sian! There's a parcel down here for you." I let out a shriek and bolted downstairs, as I was expecting one...although I had no idea what was in it. (I love surprise parcels, sometimes. :D) "It can't be the one you think it is...it's from Preston!" Mom said. I blinked, knowing the Hodgson girls hadn't sent me anything! Surprised, I tried to detangle the brown tape from the parcel, but it clung tightly to the lighter brown paper. The parcel was long, brown and slender - not like I was expecting. Though I didn't know WHAT I was expecting. :D Finally ripping the tape off, I managed to start unrolling it, and eventually reached the bubble wrapping. Now, if you're anything like me, bubble wrapping is half of the present. ;) I s...

Today's praise and thankfulness list! Tomorrow is Friday! We get to dress down, so I can wear a t-shirt and denim. :D I'm going out with Mom almost every Saturday to places all over Britain. This Saturday we're going to a castle and the beach in Wales! God put good friends in my life. :) Friends who mentor me, encourage me and try to heal my insecurity without shunning me because of it. My new fantasy novel, which I'm intensely intrigued by (it was started by a dream as I had a nap on my desk at work). I've just applied to a singing concert in Solihull, thanks to my sister's Auntie Chris who knows all the right places to go. :D I just have to pay and show up! I have my 425 Squadron hoodie and my 196 Squadron t-shirt. *happy* I'm getting better at dancing with Mr. Invisible. ;) Work is going well at the moment and my bosses are happy with me. :) Dreams of going for flight attendant, depending on how things work out. Plans seem to be m...

It's beautiful. The cross. It's symbolic. It's pain and it's agony and it's separation from God and reunion with God. It's suffering and dying and it's healing and life. Pain comes to all of us. Sometimes in the worst ways. Like when God asks us to sacrifice the nearest and dearest thing or person we love. "God, I surrendered!" "Then let go." "But You might not bring them back!" "I know. Trust Me." Tears. Pain. Agony. Surrender. Peace. Beauty. Beautiful tears and joyful sobbing in the torment. Because He is God and He is the master of the paradox and He can make it so. I looked up at my colleague Charlotte. Both of us had delayed lunch breaks, due to the length of the survey we were on, before lunch was called. We were talking about my trip to the USA, and then ended up on our differing beliefs. Oh! It started with my ink writing on my arm and wrist: "Espérance - Hope", "Love end...

This week has been one of getting lost in God's presence and doing what I love most - reaching out and being there to support, encourage and lift people up in prayer together before the Lord. Next week will be one of doubt, despair, darkness and sadness surrounding, seeping, overpowering from all directions. Question is...will I give in? Will the darkness encompass and take over my soul, or will I let it drive me towards the Rock of Ages? Will I feed on Him and feast in Him and drown myself in Him and continue to struggle on to shine His life and His light out, or will I let go and give way piece by piece on what I believe and/or know to be true, and watch the darkness come in? Darkness always creeps in by the shadows. But light always follows the night. If I say, surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be(come) as night - (why!) even the darkness is not dark to Thee! And the night is as bright as the day! Psalm 139 God is so kind. So gentle...

I was wondering what to post for my 20th birthday blog post. And...I'd like to share this. From my heart again. ;) "Janey, I'd like to ask prayer for healing for your eczema. Would that be okay?" Laura asked, keeping her arm around me. I nodded. "Sure, why not." My family didn't raise me to believe in commanding diseases to leave the body, but I understood that it was done still with the acknowledgement God may not choose to grant it, but the belief that until proved otherwise, He had. Laura caught the main guy's attention and asked him to pray. "Sure!" He moved over to me. Laura had slipped her arms around me again, and my remaining OYAN siblings moved in as a circle around me. "You be the point of contact." He placed his hand on Laura's shoulder and prayed for complete healing of my body. Then he placed on his hand on my head, commanding the eczema to leave my body in the Name of Jesus. What followed next w...

I want to heal. Not because I want to be pain-free. Because I expect to feel pain in the future. If I don't, I'll be worried. No, I want to heal so I can minister to others without being focused on and blinded by pain. I want to use that pain - to USE it. Not to be lost in it. God can use everything - and that is why He has safely brought and is bringing me through. I want to use it to reach out to others - to know the pain in their broken hearts and not to guess at it. To give, love and live the love of Christ and be a vessel to bring healing to them. If you don't have any pain in your Christian life; be worried. If there is no pain, no matter how small or large - if you're just gliding along on a peaceful smooth trail - start praying. For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth. It doesn't have to be cyclonic. Just see if there's somewhere God is testing you or growing you. Even if it's trusting Him with school scores. ;) It's not because you haven...

It's painful. And it's sore. It's so sore I spend washtime dabbing water on portions of my skin because if I shower properly, I end up crying with pain. It's inherited genetically. I remember Daddy telling me his started when he was 19. It went all over his entire body - including his face. He had the wet kind - weeping, they call it - on his face. He had to go to work every day like that. And he said he felt disgusting, like a leper. Until he took aloe vera tablets, which reduced his eczema to some kind of controllable level. It started when I was a kid. Behind the backs of my knees and in the crooks of my arms. Then it faded until I only had it occasionally on the elbow of my right arm. Last year, it flared up again. REALLY bad. On my arms. Then I went to America. It was bad when I arrived. Came back a little in Oregon due to the dryness of the air. But otherwise, it was cleared. I forgot I had ever had eczema. Then I came home. And started work. ...