Searching For Love

I was wondering what to post for my 20th birthday blog post. And...I'd like to share this. From my heart again. ;)

"Janey, I'd like to ask prayer for healing for your eczema. Would that be okay?" Laura asked, keeping her arm around me.

I nodded.

"Sure, why not."

My family didn't raise me to believe in commanding diseases to leave the body, but I understood that it was done still with the acknowledgement God may not choose to grant it, but the belief that until proved otherwise, He had.

Laura caught the main guy's attention and asked him to pray.

"Sure!"

He moved over to me. Laura had slipped her arms around me again, and my remaining OYAN siblings moved in as a circle around me.

"You be the point of contact." He placed his hand on Laura's shoulder and prayed for complete healing of my body. Then he placed on his hand on my head, commanding the eczema to leave my body in the Name of Jesus.

What followed next was what pushed me to racking sobs.

Not that THAT was too surprising.

I'd gone to church that morning laughing, happy (truly! I am going through a strange time of bitter pain and peace, and God's being distant because of something I'm doing, and at the same time, feeling His presence intrinsically close), dressed up...and expecting condemnation.
I'm used to expecting the heavy hand of God's anger to fall. I always forget His mercy.

It was fun being there with the remaining OYAN gang: Keif, Addison, Case, Jared, Star, Laura-le, her Mom, the rest of the Lucchi-Grey family and Mr. and Mrs. S.

The guy had spoken on not hardening our hearts. On how we often looked at the future and doubted God could perform miracles or change our situation or do His best for us - and we forgot to look back at what He had done in the past, how He had provided.

I was in tears.

I had attended the S's home church that morning because I knew there would still be OYAN folk there, and I remembered the near presence of God last year and wanted to be part again.
Still, after something that occurred the night before (personally, nothing to do with anyone else :P), I came to church expecting to be condemned, feeling like I was labelled with darkness and God was going to do nothing but preach at me.

Since I left OYAN, I had the weird sensation (since this issue has been going on for roughly a week) of both pain and peace, and that God was distant and at the same time, so, so close.

So I felt His gentle love at the same time as I was sure He was going to lecture me.

And He didn't.

He used those words to gently chide my root fear - the fear of never coming back to America, to OYAN next year. The black dark terror at the idea of working for at least the next two years, involved in all the different things and trying to do all the things that I'm supposed to be doing and the fear of getting tied closer to England, fixating on my present and past rather than on the passion He has put in my heart for the future.

Have I not provided before? Have I not brought you here the last two years? Do I not use every single thing you go through to My glory - from being thankful for a slice of bread, to praising Me for a roof over your head, to trusting Me with your love, to the lessons I teach you of surrendering everything - over and over - joy, love, tears, pain? Do you not think I can make a way for you and bring you through the wilderness?

Oh yes, Lord. Oh, oh yes. I know You can.

So when the guy placed his hand on my head, I should have been expecting what came next.
Because he said he saw that God had a special place for me in His heart. That He loved everyone, but that He had a special love for me. That I was like a flower of many colours in His sight.

And all I thought, repeatedly, was "a Father for the fatherless, a help to the widow and orphan, a Defender for the defenceless". He is.

It broke me in a way that a lecture on my sin could not do. And not only that, but the bitter-sweet blessings that a lot of you peoples emailed, tweeted or posted on one of my profiles the next day - my birthday.

Truly, He binds up the broken-hearted. He heals all diseases. He transforms and He makes us into new creatures.
He won't tolerate sin forever, but He doesn't bash us over the head with it either. God doesn't lop a branch off a tree. He goes for the heart of the problem first. So don't look for Him to be addressing the obvious, if there's something deeper. Don't forget that He knows you - inside out.

And when you're searching for love, He is. :)

In Christ, with love,
Mademoiselle Siân/Queen Jane