Holes Unfilled - A Ramble
There's a hole in my heart that cannot heal.
Most of the time, I'm running. I'm learning to run with a smile, now. God is, slowly but surely, teaching me to find joy in every circumstance; to see His blessing Hand throughout the sadness.
There's one problem I'm still having, though. It's learning to praise Him for the pain.
I can thank Him for using the pain - and have, even to using the loss of the one I loved most, for I watched Him do it even as I lost him.
I run from pain. Hate it. And now I'm running from him. From every single memory that he was ever in. I reconstruct my life and future without him, focusing on keeping busy, being productive, serving God. But the hole is there. And I run.
It's harder than it should be to store everything away. When Taylor told me that to break free of the darkness and despair, I had to love, I randomly picked someone and tried to love them with God's love because I felt I had to.
I didn't realise the attachment to him then. When I did, I tried to run from it. And then God transformed it, and showed me so, so much of Himself, as through loving him, I began to love others with His love.
Suddenly the memories jar, coming up randomly. A Facebook post, his hug, old conversations. Words he said burned into the screen and stamped indelibly on my mind.
The hole is there. I ignore it, run a little further, smile and plan. And it grows bigger. I pray for him, for others and read God's Word. It still grows bigger.
Finally I'm praying about the ache. The loneliness. The place I believe God's called me to that I don't understand. Why. Praying for him.
I don't understand. I can't.
If loneliness is material for sacrifice, and pain, then so is the hole. This hole that won't heal.
God doesn't desire happiness, I was taught. He desired my sanctification - my becoming like Christ. How dull that seemed. A life with a long face just to become like Jesus.
I didn't realise that joy was to be found in that desire - the desire God promised to fulfill. The desire to become like Jesus. He IS Joy. And joy gives you happy in the sad.
I'm not asking Him to fill the hole. I'm asking for the grace to stop running from it.
I'm not asking Him for him to come back. I'm asking for God to be with us.
I'm not asking for my happiness. I'm asking for God's holiness.
And I know that what God does with both of us is best for us. His will. Ultimate, reigning supreme.
God does great things with broken hearts.
I hate keeping coming to Him with tears streaming and that huge hole threatening to swallow me. I know that's what He wants.
I'm just going to close this with a couple of notes taken from Bro. Brian Beaver's message on Sunday.
"God is not attracted to the abilities that you have. God is only attracted to your weakness. God is attracted to everything that runs cross grain to what we call attraction.
You need to:
1) Accept the thorns in your life.
2) Own the thorns.
3) Use the thorns.
The only way you're going to be strong is if you become weak.
The thorns make you appreciate the roses. We often thank God for the roses, but we don't often thank Him for the thorns.
“In order to have a tender heart, it's best your heart should bleed.” The thorns that God places in our lives is to make us appreciate the good times. Every mountaintop experience has a valley. Sometimes God gives us thorns, and we need to learn to accept them. Use the thorn in your life. God means it for good."
Two different kinds of thorns, mayhap, but it spoke to me.
God bless,
~Siân
Most of the time, I'm running. I'm learning to run with a smile, now. God is, slowly but surely, teaching me to find joy in every circumstance; to see His blessing Hand throughout the sadness.
There's one problem I'm still having, though. It's learning to praise Him for the pain.
I can thank Him for using the pain - and have, even to using the loss of the one I loved most, for I watched Him do it even as I lost him.
I run from pain. Hate it. And now I'm running from him. From every single memory that he was ever in. I reconstruct my life and future without him, focusing on keeping busy, being productive, serving God. But the hole is there. And I run.
It's harder than it should be to store everything away. When Taylor told me that to break free of the darkness and despair, I had to love, I randomly picked someone and tried to love them with God's love because I felt I had to.
I didn't realise the attachment to him then. When I did, I tried to run from it. And then God transformed it, and showed me so, so much of Himself, as through loving him, I began to love others with His love.
Suddenly the memories jar, coming up randomly. A Facebook post, his hug, old conversations. Words he said burned into the screen and stamped indelibly on my mind.
The hole is there. I ignore it, run a little further, smile and plan. And it grows bigger. I pray for him, for others and read God's Word. It still grows bigger.
Finally I'm praying about the ache. The loneliness. The place I believe God's called me to that I don't understand. Why. Praying for him.
I don't understand. I can't.
If loneliness is material for sacrifice, and pain, then so is the hole. This hole that won't heal.
God doesn't desire happiness, I was taught. He desired my sanctification - my becoming like Christ. How dull that seemed. A life with a long face just to become like Jesus.
I didn't realise that joy was to be found in that desire - the desire God promised to fulfill. The desire to become like Jesus. He IS Joy. And joy gives you happy in the sad.
I'm not asking Him to fill the hole. I'm asking for the grace to stop running from it.
I'm not asking Him for him to come back. I'm asking for God to be with us.
I'm not asking for my happiness. I'm asking for God's holiness.
And I know that what God does with both of us is best for us. His will. Ultimate, reigning supreme.
God does great things with broken hearts.
I hate keeping coming to Him with tears streaming and that huge hole threatening to swallow me. I know that's what He wants.
I'm just going to close this with a couple of notes taken from Bro. Brian Beaver's message on Sunday.
"God is not attracted to the abilities that you have. God is only attracted to your weakness. God is attracted to everything that runs cross grain to what we call attraction.
You need to:
1) Accept the thorns in your life.
2) Own the thorns.
3) Use the thorns.
The only way you're going to be strong is if you become weak.
The thorns make you appreciate the roses. We often thank God for the roses, but we don't often thank Him for the thorns.
“In order to have a tender heart, it's best your heart should bleed.” The thorns that God places in our lives is to make us appreciate the good times. Every mountaintop experience has a valley. Sometimes God gives us thorns, and we need to learn to accept them. Use the thorn in your life. God means it for good."
Two different kinds of thorns, mayhap, but it spoke to me.
God bless,
~Siân
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)