The Deepest Fear

It's possibly the deepest fear in both man and woman. For men, tucked away at the root of wanting respect. For women, buried under the surface of that longing to be loved.
The fear that we're not worth it. Not worth being respected. Not worth being loved. Not worth it as a person, the very essence and uniqueness of us as an individual human being. Not worth fighting for. The fear that we're being constantly held up to the measure of those around us and being found wanting.

That fear is found a voice as soon as we're rejected - by the person we respect, by the person we love most deeply. Whatever form the rejection takes, we sense it and the fear finds confirmation - we weren't worth it, to the person who counted the most. And it hurts. Oh, how it hurts.
The whisper you've heard all your life is finally verified in action or word. It's true. You're not worth it.

I'm not going to deny it, that they don't consider you worth it. That he doesn't consider me worth it. That's the hardest part to fight, the thing you had been fighting against, and fight to accept. They don't consider you worth it. And...to accept that without reversing it to that they aren't worth it. Because they are...and you know that they are...because everyone is worth it to Him. But it's easy to revert to anger, to try and build a shield over that deep wound, and blame someone else. Or blame yourself, and tell yourself that yes, you aren't worth it.

I've honestly got no defence against that. I know that to many people, and worst and most hurtful of all, to him, I'm not worth it. I know that it's the same for many of you and that's a battle you will be fighting for months, for years.
I know that the measure of my worth down here has been proved by the human race over and over, and I'm found wanting. I also know that to some of the many suffering, God has provided that I am worth something, and that...is a deep blessing.

You know how that can even be? Because God found me worth something, and He lets some - just a few - people look at me through His eyes, and find Himself there. And that makes me worth something.
But...He also saw me when I was born rebellious against Him, black and guilty, and He found something to love. I don't know what He saw. I just know that He found me worth dying for. Worth making His own. Worth paying the ultimate price of love and life for.
And He did the same for you. Maybe your father is distant and cold, your mother emotionally abusive. Maybe your siblings are favourites, or physically torment you. Maybe the person you love most deeply has forsaken you.
God hasn't. He's still there. And He gave the ultimate sign of love - no matter how distant it feels. He finds you worth something, even if you've been kicked in the gutter and marked for the rubbish heap by everyone else. Even if they all find you worthless.

I was originally going to post the following as a part audio/part blog post, but unfortunately I mentioned the name of the guy I love in there, so it's just going to be the tail end of this post to finish off.

"So it's nearly impossible to express the beauty of this, just the way it's hit me.
I'm walking along listening to While I'm Waiting, and thinking about how much I used to listen to this when I was waiting for Mr C., and thinking (as I've done a hundred times), 'Well, I'm still waiting on God, you know.'

And then it suddenly struck me; this time, I'm actually waiting for Someone Who is going to come for me and Who is not going to let me down. He's going to come, He's going to take me away and change my life. And He's not going to lie about it.

And I think, somehow, it will be easier - I mean, it's not always going to be easy, I know that - but somehow it's sort of going to be easier to wait for Somebody Who I know isn't going to let me down.
I think part of the reason I kept slipping up was because I kept thinking, doubting that he was ever going to come - and in the end, he didn't. But God has promised that He is going to come for me, and in 6000+ years, He hasn't broken one of His promises. And I am waiting for Him, and He is going to come. It's so beautiful.

'And at last I've seen the light, and it's like the fog has lifted!' It's just...incredible. I'm nearly crying. Oh wow...He's actually going to come. He's not going to fail. He's not going to lie to me. He's going to come for me.

It's not going to be easy, waiting a lifetime, but He's actually going to be able to forgive me when I fall, which is something that couldn't happen...yeah.

God is good."

In His Name,
~Siân