In Love With Two Guys

Dear guys, blokes, men and gentlemen,

This is particularly addressed at you, although it's also a general announcement, because I want you to know where I stand, why I'm off limits and why my Facebook status reads, "It's complicated."

Simply because a lot of guys seem to read, "It's complicated" on any girl's status not as a chance to help them out (not me in this case) but as a chance to get a foot in the door.

I also want to explain what love means to me - something far beyond mere emotion or fluff, or something that can wither and die. If you've read my blog long enough, you'll know what love is to me. Eternal, unconditional, priceless. True love is God - the heart of God to man. And true love is a gift from God, planted in someone's heart, to never be given up on and thrown away. If God has given you love, then it's nothing to sacrifice lightly.

I didn't start this way. When I first fell in love, it was a deliberate choice. The second time, it grew on me. And then it was attachment and emotion. Everything since, God has grown in my heart.

So yes...the title. I'm in love with two guys.
Jesus Christ, my Saviour and God.
And Prince Charming.


Prince Charming is still a mystery man, the guy who will one day, if God wills, marry me. I still don't know who he is.

But there is a guy who God has gifted me with love for; whether or not he chooses to pursue/love me in the future is not my business. God has called me to love him and wait for him without question.

I cannot claim to understand the mind of God. This path has not been an easy one to walk. The pain, tears, letting go, clinging on, trusting, fighting...it has been a massive Spiritual growth area in my life.
There is no point in the future, whether anything happens or not, that I will regret having loved him.
Because this is the method God chose to reveal His heart to me. When I started to come out of my backslide, he was the only person that I had any real care for outside of my own pain.

When I realised I loved him, it was based off exactly what I had before. Feelings, emotion, up and down. Like any crush. But in a world where I'd suddenly discovered what men could be like, he was the only guy that I trusted in any shape or form. I prayed and prayed and it wouldn't go away. And I remember one day, having a talk with my adopted big brother, and we both saw the crossroads, because in spite of loving him, I kept jumping from one guy to another. And I made the choice to commit to loving him. And God started to show me Love.

Through the pain and tears, the momentary joys and the clinging on to fragile hope that smashed every minute with the pain that was last year, God showed me beauty I cannot describe. I remember standing at the bus stop one day after work, absolutely blinded by the beauty of His love that He was showing me.
I'm still speechless and unable to...say. I can only try and...live.

Through giving me love for him, teaching me to love him and how to love him, through his brotherly, constant, unwavering and unconditional love for me, I have seen more of the love and heart of God than I could ever have grasped.

I'd like to state here that he loves me as my brother in Christ - different to the way I love him. But like I just said - that's not my business. Following Christ is, and that's the way He calls me to walk.

During the several years we have been friends, he has stayed by me through thick and thin - through my falling in love the first time, my backsliding, the breakup of our friendship after which he STILL refused to leave, through multiple blockings and cut offs from me, through my swearing at him, even to the worst sins. I keep thinking of a sin that would send him away. And nothing does.

He literally lives Christ's love to me.

I've lashed out at him, tried to hurt him, tried to send him away. I've sinned so badly I thought I was beyond forgiveness and that he'd leave me. I still ask him to reassure me that he won't leave, after he promised that he wouldn't. If I go off in a temper, he stays. He always forgives, always comes back, always says he's sorry. And pretty much always he's gentle with me, solid and calm and there. Like a rock.

Isn't that the way Christ is with us? *looks at you all straight in the eyes*

I used to be sure that God loved the whole world, but never that He loved me individually. That I was special to Him. That if the whole world was righteous and I the only sinner, that He loved me individually enough to die for me. I was convinced I was second best, disgusting...every negative thing the people closest to me told me about myself. Proud, arrogant, show off, know it all, pretender, hypocrite. You name it. (Which is not the best thing to do, ever.) I think they thought that if I was told more positive stuff about myself, I'd become even more arrogant.
They're right in one sense. Part of me is. But part of me isn't.

And it took this guy's unconditional, unwavering love to show me that.

Since he's actually overseas, my love for him doesn't just have to stand the test of time, but the test of distance. Which is something I struggle with often. Not the deep down core of me, which loves him completely. But the human part of me, that is lonely and tired and hurting, struggles. It's not going to change though. This is what God has called me to.

One thing that stands out heavily to me in the love of God, which is what all love should be modelled on, is the relationship between Christ and the Church. It's long distance. :P
I think I sympathise more with the Church now in her wanderings and strayings, desperately trying to stay faithful and finding it so hard, than I have in my entire existence as a Christian.
But God loves her. He stays faithful. And He loves her unconditionally.

He doesn't stop loving her because she's on earth. And she doesn't stop loving Him because He's not physically with her.

Oh, it's so hard. *smiles quietly* And I know at least one of my sisters will understand that, and honey, I love you. :)

But as the friend I chatted with about this said, it is possible. It's possible to love where it's not returned the way you wanted. It's possible to love when all powers of hell seem to stand against you. It's possible to love those that you don't think you could ever love. It's possible to love.

You know why?

Because the power of Christ is in you.

*smiles* Isn't that glorious? Isn't the power of Christ within us unlimited when we let go and let Him love out?

So yes.

I'm in love with two guys, both miles away; one Heavenly, one earthly; one modelling the love that the First has already bestowed. And that ain't gonna change until God Himself tells me to stop loving that guy. And He's never going to stop the relationship between Him and me, even if the other changes, is stopped, or whatever.

I have a relationship with Almighty God. Isn't that fantastic.

So yeah. Guys, you have your explanation. ;) I'm sorry, I'm very, very much taken. And oh yes, it's complicated. ;) You honestly have no right to even challenge this unless you can match up to that. :P

And I guess I'd just like to ask You to bless that guy right now, Father, for living You to me with his life and unchanging consistency. Bless him with many blessings, draw him ever closer to You, change him, mold him and make him more and more like You. Bless him richly in the ways You know.

And thank You. So, so much.

How Great is our God!


Love always in Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân