Soap for Jesus

*grins* That's a Black Country term, so most of y'all probably won't know that. ;) So here's me, in sweatshirt, fancy necklace and Mediæval bodice fresh from work, earbuds dangling and still distantly playing Mandisa's "What If We Were Real" album, pj trousers on and perched on a chair, typing this while gobbling up some pumpkin soup - WITH CHEESE. Scrummicking round the house, getting fed and watered before settling down to work at home for the evening. Y'know, it's impossible to explain the joy and peace that's been here the last few days. The period I've just gone through has been the blackest, spiritually, I remember walking through in the past four years, since my backslide when I was 17. I don't remember what jolted me to actually fighting again. I was convinced God wasn't going to fight for me anymore, and on being told that He was waiting for me to say no to doing wrong in the weakest area of my life and wasn't go...

IT'S PAINFUL! Oh, God, it's so painful. Why should I suffer like this? What have I ever done to deserve it? I've tried to follow You. Tried to do what You say. I've gone through my memories and I can't think of any sin I haven't repented of. So why am I going through this? Those cries sound so familiar, echoed in the cries of those not born again..."If God was good, why do good people suffer?" And through the story of Job. Maybe you've cried them. I know I have, guiltily. And you know all the usual defending comments; that we are all sinners, that God grieves with us but that this is part of the curse. Yes, He could stop it. Do you know why He doesn't? Because when you're living the easy life, how often do you turn to Him? How often do you seek His face, to grow closer to Him and learn of Him? How much is the value of earthly things to you, when you are in pain? Because, to quote one tweet I read earlier: "The t...

It's almost funny, really. I so wanted to write this blog post yesterday, but as much as I tried, it wasn't ready to come. This wasn't the way I dreamed of writing it; slumped in a pool of despondency. But it's now I believe I'm s'posed to try and write it. It's almost funny. But I'm depressed. So it's not. So Lord, do Your best with this. Cause it's not going to be mine. And maybe that's why You wanted me to wait until now. Prayer and Bible reading are meant to be a way of life for a Christian. But they aren't an instantaneous desire, springing up and flowering as soon as you become a Christian. They're called a discipline for a good reason. It's hard to create and maintain a discipline - particularly for disorganised, spontaneous people like me. Recovering from the blow in February through to the beginning of April has taken me until now to start a degree of healing on, but God has been wonderfully sweet and close and started...

The impending cataclysm still is in my heart and mind. The call of God in that short space of time and the unclear vision of the future to some of us. The separation of many of us and the intense struggles that so many of God's young people are facing today - pasts created by their own mistakes and influenced by outside forces not of their doing, undergoing the after-effects of so many of these. The young Christians of today are facing more problems than I've ever heard of any young Christian generation undergoing. We are not a united body - many of our worst battles are fought and faced alone with long-distance prayer. I don't believe in end-time revival but I DO believe that God is doing a work amongst the young people of this generation and that is why there are more vicious Spiritual battles than we've seen in a long while. Satan is trying to divide and pull us away, and we are pleading to become more like Christ. Tell me THAT won't induce a battle! So...

A day. It's an incredible short space of time. I paused for three seconds just and listened to the clock tick them. Three seconds of my life. Gone. Isn't it so short a span of time? Faith. Hope. Trust. Three things that God is trying to teach me and I am struggling with so greatly. Stop and read those words individually for a moment and think about what each of them means. We tend to bind the three of them together so easily. Think about the end of 1 Corinthians 13 - faith, hope, love, abide these three - but the greatest of these is love. Do you stop to separate the meanings of them out? I fail to, very often. But faith; hope; trust. Bound together by love. Love is the greatest of all. Notice, when one of them fails, the others weaken. Interesting. The last two weeks have been a haze of pain for me. I go through a couple of days (on a usual cycle) where I rotate through riding on faith, hope and prayer and preaching it, to allowing things to smash through th...

There's four projects currently running in the call centre. Two of those are the People First project, which most of the guys are working on - an intensely pressured job on which the target is 5 a day and you must get at least 4 a day or run the risk of being laid off; and Women in Leeds, another highly stressful task because of how boring it is. Most of the responses are no replies or answer phones (now we have cleared out the horrible unobtainables and withheld numbers which shrill piercingly down your ear and one after another are torturous) as most women are out at work during the day. When people actually do answer, there is an incredible amount of refusals, men answering to say their wife/partner isn't there and won't be until gone six pm, or people hanging up in the first sentence (which is quite emotionally knocking, for me anyway). I'm sitting here writing this as I'm dialling in an attempt to keep my poor brain occupied. I'm an outdoor person, stim...

So I made a chicken goulashy thing for tea. :D No, it wasn't against the Daleks. *cough* It was so yummy, I wrote down the recipe before I forgot it. :D Fry an onion in butter (preferably in a saucepan :D). Add one can of chopped tomatoes. Cook. Chop in half of the chicken breast (we use a whole chicken for three days' meals). Throw in some fresh herbs (basil, thyme and oregano) and dried herbs (basil and mixed herbs). Mix. Sprinkle with Spicy Chill Mix (El Paso). Grate in some cheese. Heat up Lemon Basmati Rice in the microwave. For drinks, serve up bitter lemon and Tango orange. :D I'm lying here in bed, very, very conscious that in six hours time, I will be at the ICC in Birmingham auditioning for Britain's Got Talent. I keep shooting between certainty of failure and positive terror. :P I know that operatic style singers aren't usually taken to kindly, I know I'm not a trained singer, I know I blush bright red when I have to sing in front o...

Kristin D and I have a unique friendship. It began at OYAN Summer Workshop, 2012, when I looked into her eyes and said the words she's never forgotten. "(God has given me the gift so) I can read eyes." One of the closest sisters and friends I have, we have a special relationship. She's one of those people, the ones that you can bring God smack dab into a conversation without feeling awkward - or where you don't even realise He's in it, but He is. She's been one of the greatest encouragements and lifesavers in my life. God is very much in our friendship. September 13th, several days after one of the greatest sins in my life. I was talking to Kristin. In her words: [3:35:47 PM] Kristin D: Okay I had read Psalm 3... and then musing over it... Something with you had blown up that day... and I was writing about you, and about me... "We're both weak, and both near the edge. I'm asking God for miracles at this point. We're both brok...

Blubbing seems to be my favourite pastime during services at the moment. God is so loving, so tenderly caring, so very gentle. When we expect condemnation, He tends to show more of His mercy and grace. When we're being arrogant and big-headed and hard-hearted, that's when He tends to break us. Although I admit, you can be broken by love. It's one of the most beautiful things in this world. Last week, Pastor Steve preached on hope. For a girl who'd been struggling a lot the past week and was wrapped in despair...it broke me with love. The main line that I took away from it was: Hope in God when there is none - and He will give you hope. Kristin Dodd, who I met at the Workshop 2012 and tried to reach out to help, has become MY help in so many ways. My little Hope Box, I call her. She drills into me, quite literally, not to despair and "Esperanza" - hope. God is so good... Then this week. There's been financial worry and other worries all week....

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can tell. And for once, it must be grand To have someone understand; I want so much more than they've got planned... (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST) ROSE: But what do I do every day, Mum? What do I do? Get up, catch the bus, go to work, come back home, eat chips and go to bed. Is that it? MICKEY: It's what the rest of us do. ROSE: But I can't! MICKEY: Why, cause you're better than us? ROSE: No, I didn't mean that! It was...it was a better life. An' I don't mean all the travelling an' seeing aliens and spaceships and things. That don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of livin' your life. (TO MICKEY:) You know, he showed you too. That you don't just give up. You don't just let things happen. You make a stand, you say no. You have the guts to do what's right when everyone else just runs away and I can't... *RUNS OUT* (DOCTOR WHO; Series 1, Episode...

Rode home on the bus yesterday after work, for the usual 45 mins - 1 hour after work. My friend Adam from up north was chatting me about half of the way home, bless him, which helped quite a bit. The remainder of the time I went from crying to calm to crying, until the other passengers asked if I was okay. >.> I had my Bible with me (I usually take it to work as the only time I get to read it is on my breaks) and randomly opened it for comfort, for a sign, for anything. I'd already flipped through it several times a day and found the marked passages from before that brought no comfort or meaning at all to a despairing heart. I opened it this time, looked down through tear-blurred eyes and my gaze fell upon Jeremiah 31:16,17. Thus says the Lord, “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord, “And they will return from the land of the enemy. There is hope for your future,” declares the Lord, “and your ...

I've had nothing to say for a long while. Kinda long while, anyway. I just want to take some excerpts from a few emails and chats and pray God they encourage you. "While you are alive in Christ, you still have a sin nature - a dead weight, a dead body, that you're chained to, much like a Siamese twin. That burden you carry around for the rest of your earthly life. And to prevent us from thinking of ourselves as gods, I think He lets us have the weaknesses to try and make us rely on Him more. All of us struggle with idolatry in every shape and form. It's not even as simple as a graven image. And any addiction when submitted to becomes Idolatry. And yes, the sin is big and black and monstrous in the eyes of a pure and holy God. But what we forget is that He's looking at us through the red blood of Christ - and we're already pure. The biggest struggle is what you're enduring - getting up and going again. The righteous man falls seven times and rises...

I keep thinking, there's a lot of people I miss, when I have time and stop and think about those that used to frequently traverse my life, and made such a difference...and are now no longer there. Just...faded out. Or left. I want to go after them...and I wonder. Is it worth it? Am I to make the moves and wait and see? They mean a lot to me and always will. Whether it be time, life, choice or me that's taken you away. I still love you, even though our walks have gone differently and may never cross again. :) And I'm pretty sure some of you still love me. Or is this it...the cauldron of life that will show those who stay through to the solid end. I could probably name on two hands (and that's very blessed) those who have never left. I'm not going to try for fear of leaving some very special person out. :) Even people that speak on occasion - like Dri. Sandy. Anjel. You know who you are - all you who stayed, all of you who made sacrifices and laid down your personal t...

Pain at the physical, mental and emotional stages are almost at the highest point that I'm aware of on their gauges. Spiritual level has closed down so much I'm aware of nothing but unvoiced, mere thoughts of prayers and now and then, the presence of God here. It's not lack of sleep and this isn't a stage of exhaustion. Apparently I look half dead - laboured movement, laboured talking, etc. I forced myself to sing at the second song this morning at church; never had to force myself to sing but once before in my life. Singing is my love. The entirety of everything that's bringing this down forced me to one point this morning. I opened my eyes and saw neither one of the addictions I normally run to, but the cross of Christ. At the foot of that cross I am clinging and aware that God's Hands are beneath and upholding me to take the weight. My body is collapsing and my mind is blanking down but if one were to draw a picture of what life currently looks at, there woul...

Will the Darkness Win? I’m lying here in bed where I’ve been most of today – my only day completely free this week. I’m ill. Stuffy nose, banging headache, short sharp pains all over my body. I don’t think it’s just mere exhaustion. I haven’t eaten a proper meal (admittedly I was snacking earlier today :) ) or had more than one drink today and I don’t really want to. Some...recent family happenings and listening to my brother’s music playing downstairs means that every desire I have to get up is totally extinguished. There seems to be nothing around apart from the darkness. Some people would say a lot of this is my fault. And a lot of what’s going on and my pain and trouble over it is to do with my legalistic views on things. That I should be more open and charitable and forgiving. But every word that I hear, I hear confusion apparent. Although apparently consciences are clear. I don’t know. The night is dark. Literally and spiritually. There’s something inside which is telling me to g...

There's many times that people ask me, "Don't you wish you could live your life over?" "Don't you wish your life was easier?" "Wouldn't you have rather had a normal life?" I think about it a lot. In fact, as days pass and pain increases and it becomes so intensely hard to find new things to praise Him for, to trust Him and lean on Him and stop leaning on my own strength, to collapse into His arms and through faith alone trust Him to carry me through and not stoop to my own pain-coping methods...to not doubt and despair and turn back into the darkness... I even sometimes start to say those things myself. Some people even doubt that I have a capacity for feeling pain. Some people have asked me, even after seeing me working with tears streaming down my face, how it is that I am so happy all the time. I know people think I'm a happy-go-lucky fly-me-by butterfly who dances through life on a whim. I know people can think me intensely childish...

Literally. These two quote are from yesterday. (Began 22-10-11 or 10-22-11) I put my little orange Testament from Texas on my desk yesterday and walked away to get some water. Ryan, my coworker, said as I went by: "Is that a Bible on your desk?" Me: "Yes, it's a Testament. Are you a Christian?" *hopefully* Ryan: "No, I like to call myself an atheist. But it's good to see some people have faith." -- I went to the water fountain and stepped aside to let coworker Becca go first. She responded by wriggling with helpless frustration and said, "Ohhhhh! I really don't like you!" Another coworker waiting laughed and said, "Well that's nice first thing in the morning!" Becca answered, "It's because she's so NICE! Always opening doors for people, etc." I walked away and grinned. Maybe, maybe, MAYBE, God is shining through!! :D -- Kushan is a Hindu. He worked next to me for a day or so. I was having a good day on ...

I wasn't sure I'd put my bus pass in my bag this morning. I'd had to go back into work already to check with my "big brother" Mat whether he'd got the photo I was meant to give him, and then stopped to chat briefly with Chris (who I'll tell you about in the next couple of posts). So I was tearing across the road helter-skelter with my eye on the X51 (the bus I catch from work) when it pulled out of the bus stop. And it was raining. Oh well, more time to sing... The 51 pulls in. It takes about 20 minutes longer than the X51 to get into my town. Oh well...then I can't find my bus pass. Lord, You know I need to get home early because of cadets! I look up at the driver and shake my head, then sigh in exasperation as I walk over to the seats and scrabble through my handbag, trying to find my new bus pass - instead of the old one I pulled out twice. I pull it out...just as the next X51, not due for 13 minutes, pulls in. (13 minutes is a lot of difference in ...

Okay, I'm going to settle a little problem here, right here and right now. This is to prevent any further talking behind my back. I am busy. Very, very busy. In fact, most nights I'm so busy I'm actually falling asleep online. The other night, I even fell asleep in front of my mother online. Woke up until she went to bed, then fell asleep again until about 2am, when I finally gave up in despair and crawled off to bed. Most days, I get up somewhere around 6:30am and don't stop until 10:30pm. The times that I don't, I'm frantically rushing about online trying to sort out things like emails, and blog posts, and the S4C website. (The only thing I've been wasting time on is watching Dr. Who, and yes, I intersperse that with chatting.) I'm falling asleep a LOT online. I am very tired and constantly on the run. It's not that I don't want to talk. It's not that I'm ignoring you and leaving you in the past. It's that I'm very busy, and I...