Pain and Peace
Pain at the physical, mental and emotional stages are almost at the highest point that I'm aware of on their gauges. Spiritual level has closed down so much I'm aware of nothing but unvoiced, mere thoughts of prayers and now and then, the presence of God here.
It's not lack of sleep and this isn't a stage of exhaustion. Apparently I look half dead - laboured movement, laboured talking, etc. I forced myself to sing at the second song this morning at church; never had to force myself to sing but once before in my life. Singing is my love.
The entirety of everything that's bringing this down forced me to one point this morning. I opened my eyes and saw neither one of the addictions I normally run to, but the cross of Christ. At the foot of that cross I am clinging and aware that God's Hands are beneath and upholding me to take the weight.
My body is collapsing and my mind is blanking down but if one were to draw a picture of what life currently looks at, there would be dark portraits all around but a golden cross beaming out of the centre.
It is the Man Who has been before me Whose shoulder I turn to weep on. Whose strength I draw on. Whose protection I claim for those I love. Who I trust above all else to sort out the darkness, to use me feeble as I am where He can, to change. I asked Him for three things at the beginning of this year. I believe He will grant them.
Faithful One. So unchanging.
I look into Your eyes and I see the world.
It's funny. The pain is so great there is peace. I don't think I can withstand the constant level but if this is what it drives me to, I'm _glad_. The peace here is indescribable. The darkness, the things that normally wound, are just bouncing off or just being accepted.
Love is an amazing force. The power that drives me to carry on. The choice at work when I look at the phone and the screen and think I cannot dial another number and that I will scream down the phone and start smashing the monitor and the harddrive. That makes me pick it up and dial and speak cheerfully to the person on the end. That shows the promise of a future instead of the darkness of a now.
It's the central point in the cross that I see in the darkness. Love is Divine. Love is God. Love dares all things.
I'd better stop there because I can never describe it right. It just leaves me in tears and speechless. I can't wait to see what He's going to teach me through trust when He finally breaks me on it. :)
I chose numbness for a while when my older brother left for a month. Chose to harden and build a wall so I didn't get hurt until he came back. Then Wednesday I realised as He's shown me before that I couldn't carry on like that. I got to Squadron early and walked onto the field on the back to have a pray-and-cry time with the Lord. And asked Him to break me - whatever the cost.
That is...one of the hardest prayers to pray. Because if you pray with trust in God, you KNOW that He will do it. And that it will be painful. But it's better to choose that than it is to stay stagnant and drying out. I've been in both and I know I'd rather be in pain and know that He will change me than to stay stagnant and feel His presence becoming more and more distant.
Some of the things He's doing through this turn at the moment is creating more and more of a passion for prayer walks. More of a driving passion to become closer to Him.
And the other thing is fixing my gaze on the cross in the centre of the pain. That's never happened before. And my joy at it is overwhelming.
Something I want to say before I sign off here. Everyone who's coming to me for friendship, trust, accountability, help, please don't go away because of this. I want you there. I need you to be there. You will never know how much God uses you to bless me through changing you and through changing me by talking to you. When He speaks through me to you, it teaches me too. Things you say teach me. You. Are. Blessings. To. Me. Don't deprive me of that. :)
And to break the seriousness, I'd just like to inform you that Mom, Jose and I can listen to Winnie-the-Pooh and practically recite the script along with it. :D
Have a great evening and a blessed year ahead!
Mademoiselle Siân x
It's not lack of sleep and this isn't a stage of exhaustion. Apparently I look half dead - laboured movement, laboured talking, etc. I forced myself to sing at the second song this morning at church; never had to force myself to sing but once before in my life. Singing is my love.
The entirety of everything that's bringing this down forced me to one point this morning. I opened my eyes and saw neither one of the addictions I normally run to, but the cross of Christ. At the foot of that cross I am clinging and aware that God's Hands are beneath and upholding me to take the weight.
My body is collapsing and my mind is blanking down but if one were to draw a picture of what life currently looks at, there would be dark portraits all around but a golden cross beaming out of the centre.
It is the Man Who has been before me Whose shoulder I turn to weep on. Whose strength I draw on. Whose protection I claim for those I love. Who I trust above all else to sort out the darkness, to use me feeble as I am where He can, to change. I asked Him for three things at the beginning of this year. I believe He will grant them.
Faithful One. So unchanging.
I look into Your eyes and I see the world.
It's funny. The pain is so great there is peace. I don't think I can withstand the constant level but if this is what it drives me to, I'm _glad_. The peace here is indescribable. The darkness, the things that normally wound, are just bouncing off or just being accepted.
Love is an amazing force. The power that drives me to carry on. The choice at work when I look at the phone and the screen and think I cannot dial another number and that I will scream down the phone and start smashing the monitor and the harddrive. That makes me pick it up and dial and speak cheerfully to the person on the end. That shows the promise of a future instead of the darkness of a now.
It's the central point in the cross that I see in the darkness. Love is Divine. Love is God. Love dares all things.
I'd better stop there because I can never describe it right. It just leaves me in tears and speechless. I can't wait to see what He's going to teach me through trust when He finally breaks me on it. :)
I chose numbness for a while when my older brother left for a month. Chose to harden and build a wall so I didn't get hurt until he came back. Then Wednesday I realised as He's shown me before that I couldn't carry on like that. I got to Squadron early and walked onto the field on the back to have a pray-and-cry time with the Lord. And asked Him to break me - whatever the cost.
That is...one of the hardest prayers to pray. Because if you pray with trust in God, you KNOW that He will do it. And that it will be painful. But it's better to choose that than it is to stay stagnant and drying out. I've been in both and I know I'd rather be in pain and know that He will change me than to stay stagnant and feel His presence becoming more and more distant.
Some of the things He's doing through this turn at the moment is creating more and more of a passion for prayer walks. More of a driving passion to become closer to Him.
And the other thing is fixing my gaze on the cross in the centre of the pain. That's never happened before. And my joy at it is overwhelming.
Something I want to say before I sign off here. Everyone who's coming to me for friendship, trust, accountability, help, please don't go away because of this. I want you there. I need you to be there. You will never know how much God uses you to bless me through changing you and through changing me by talking to you. When He speaks through me to you, it teaches me too. Things you say teach me. You. Are. Blessings. To. Me. Don't deprive me of that. :)
And to break the seriousness, I'd just like to inform you that Mom, Jose and I can listen to Winnie-the-Pooh and practically recite the script along with it. :D
Have a great evening and a blessed year ahead!
Mademoiselle Siân x
You brought tears to my eyes again, Sister. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAwww. I'm missing you so much. Good for you; stay strong! <3 xo
ReplyDelete