Vent

Vents, like most things, can be used for good or ill. They can let out good smells or bad smells. Good thoughts or bad thoughts. Praises or rants or - frustrations.
Yet sometimes, the bad product can be turned into good on the way. So here's to hoping the frustration rant turns into a productive praise. If not by posting time, shortly afterwards!

As usual, I'm lying back on my bed here looking I'm not doing anything. Which is something that highly annoys me about computers. Or maybe it's just laptops. *pats Lapina* No offence, girl.
Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm doing nothing too. Or like I'm wasting time. I mean, I deliberately cut out on things that are time-wasting, like, say, playing Facebook games or watching non-productive films (okay, I do make time for Doctor Who as a de-stresser :P), to take part in more productive things, like chatting to/mentoring people, updating blogs, emails, FB posts, Twitter, website. I'd even like to attempt writing again. In short, looking to proclaim Christ actively online. Except tonight I watched forty-five minutes of Oklahoma and felt as guilty as someone skipping school. Or work. Why? Because I've got other things to be doing and that's not on the schedule. Like I've even got a schedule. That was just to put a curveball in to prevent insanity or dementia descending. :P

So...why does it feel like I'm doing nothing? This laptop has been on for nearly two weeks solid (yes I know, Drew, it's very VERY bad for my computer) in an attempt to try and catch up on emails and FB statuses.
I'd be heartbroken if I didn't have them to do. But I seem to get around to doing them so little! And the important emails, like the ones where the people I mentor pour out troubles and problems, seem to get delayed responses - like LONG delays. Which is...rotten.

My room is a mess. Yes, it's true. I'm not the tidiest of people. As soon as I get it tidy, though, it shouldn't be too much of a problem since I'm out 7-6. I was going to cut chat and divert to email, but too many of the people that need to chat start pulling away. They find chat easier to express their feelings. And I...admit I need to talk to people too.

Pray. And the Bible. I can't. CANNOT. do one without the other. That's becoming more and more incumbent on me - and the sense of distance, loss and guilt when I do one and not the other. Like yesterday. I had a long prayer walk of a good forty minutes. And I failed to read the Bible. Today I read part of 2 Timothy. I struggled to read and then failed to have in-depth prayer.

Some of my friendships are a mess, as I fail people, let them down, discourage, break, tear at them. It grieves me beyond belief...yeah, keep off that. But I can't sort this out.

Not failing to mention that I seem to have small active part in my mother's and brother's lives and...have...no...idea...yeah, we'll leave that subject too.

This is ridiculous. *glances up at her nine tabs, one chat (!) and an open folder and .doc* I'm even trying to cram more things into my life - singing and dancing lessons - because I don't feel I'm doing anything. I'm looking for a second job because I want to go to the States so bad, and unless I'm constantly physically moving it feels like I'm being a waste of space and useless.

*sigh* I daren't post this on Facebook, where it would get the most viewers, because I know the responses of some of...the people on there.
So whoever gets this gets this. Don't be afraid to lecture me. I'm looking for something of the kind, I suppose. How is a lecture when I'm already down supposed to make me feel better?! Masochist. :P

Just...keep it short so my very muddled brain will take it in. :P

~Sian