Will the Darkness Win?

Will the Darkness Win?

I’m lying here in bed where I’ve been most of today – my only day completely free this week. I’m ill. Stuffy nose, banging headache, short sharp pains all over my body. I don’t think it’s just mere exhaustion. I haven’t eaten a proper meal (admittedly I was snacking earlier today :) ) or had more than one drink today and I don’t really want to.

Some...recent family happenings and listening to my brother’s music playing downstairs means that every desire I have to get up is totally extinguished. There seems to be nothing around apart from the darkness.

Some people would say a lot of this is my fault. And a lot of what’s going on and my pain and trouble over it is to do with my legalistic views on things. That I should be more open and charitable and forgiving. But every word that I hear, I hear confusion apparent. Although apparently consciences are clear.

I don’t know. The night is dark. Literally and spiritually.

There’s something inside which is telling me to get up, get showered and dressed, put my light on, start tidying, emailing, sorting Facebook out.

And there’s a tear rolling down my cheek...both of them...for no comprehendible reason.

I’ve been asking God for a favour recently – that most of you would condemn me for. Most of you would tell me God hasn’t finished with me yet. My answer is, He can use someone else. I’m done.

I could backslide, and the choice is very easy to be made. But the consequences and subsequent separation from the presence and Spirit of God (even though I’m not that close right now anyway) is agony even before I start, although the mental relief at the beginning would be considerable. Done it too many times before and I know the long term results.

Even if I didn’t go for the conventional backsliding method, there’s the past addictions Satan’s throwing in my face that I know will numb the pain. But if the pain drives me closer to God, how can I flee from it?

But God is there. God is here. In the night. In the darkness. Even if I go down to Sheol, He won’t leave me. (Psalm 139).

Maybe I am having a pity party. Maybe a lot of it is in my head. I don’t know...I hate the confusion inside my mind.

But one thing I know – God loves me. He won’t leave me. And His intent is not for my light to go out in this darkness, even though doubt and fear and shame and tears are surrounding and closing in and choking it. He’s sending me the oil, the oxygen of His Word and prayer to keep going.

So yeah, Siân. Mademoiselle Siân Garner-Jones, the new girl with the new name. Get up and march on.

In Christ,
Jane