I Will Survive :)

It is horrible...as a writer, never mind as a human. To find myself speechless, emotionally withdrawing from my friends once again, from my family.

So tired of people in real life trying to pry beneath the surface to get my emotions out of me, because I cannot even recognise them myself. That's what I mean by it being awkward as a writer. The poetry is not given to write, and the words refuse to come to my fingers. I can't express myself in words, verbal or written; I can't let out the raw emotion of now; the only way I can let it out is by pelting my ears with rock. And it's being to develop into the non-Christian side. Mom was right...let your doors open to Christian rock and it's easy to slip into the world's music. With that barrier down, you have worldly mindsets and values being pumped in through the rhythm and insinuated in the words.

I'm sitting here typing this with despair at my heart. The only peace is in knowing God uses all things for good in the end, and I daren't confront my emotions right now being in the turmoil of it. I'm wearing jeans and thick makeup, and listening to some of the world's music, all things which are totally against my principles. In fact, I'm starting to use rock to tune people and therefore pain out again.
Why am I? I don't know. I'm trying to feel different in myself, maybe hoping it will affect the inside. I don't know.

And if you're thinking of picking a fight over opinions expressed here, forget it. I couldn't care less. (Ie, that rock isn't wrong, that jeans on girls aren't wrong. It's what I believe deep inside, okay?)


I have changed over the last two weeks, and circumstances are as such that I can give out the smallest piece of information. Those of you who know my family personally, do NOT tell any other members of your family, attempt to get in contact with my family or let them know that you know, if you please. It's too raw for that right now. But we would appreciate your prayers.

My chat status reads as busy, and that is not because I do not wish to talk to you. It's simply that I can't concentrate on joining in light hearted chit-chat right now, and though I have no objection to hearing it, I know a lot of my friends are so sensitive that they'll pick up on my inability to join in and automatically think I don't want to talk to them. This is not the case, so if it's already in your heads, get it out.
My closest friends are also likely to get some level of emotional disengagement from me. I'm asking you, please don't pull away but give me some time to get a grip with this.

I'm feeling an emotional disengagement from all of you. It's part of a grief process I have to work through. I've a feeling I might lose and gain friendships on the way...just pray the ones I want most will stay. But "Thy Will be done."

Things with my parents' marriage have become increasingly difficult. Divorce is on the cards to be played. Prayer is much appreciated.
My sister is also going through a divorce right now, with her five month old daughter.
My brother has been brought out of the care home due to complaints that appeared serious, but it now seems to have been manipulative and he is rapidly returning towards his old self.
The state my mother is in, she doesn't need to cope with him right now. Pray his behaviour gets under some control, please!

As an explanation to my late internet times and also my constant connection/disconnection, I am no longer living at home, but staying with my mother and brother at my sister's. Mom shares a room with Sam; Jose and I sleep on airbeds on the living room floor. My sister is on maternity leave and struggling financially with supporting us all. Please pray that God will bless and provide for her richly.

I think that's the only explanation that needs to be given for now. Take care and God bless you all.

~Jane