Outta 'Arm's Way
It's painful.
And it's sore.
It's so sore I spend washtime dabbing water on portions of my skin because if I shower properly, I end up crying with pain.
It's inherited genetically.
I remember Daddy telling me his started when he was 19. It went all over his entire body - including his face. He had the wet kind - weeping, they call it - on his face. He had to go to work every day like that. And he said he felt disgusting, like a leper. Until he took aloe vera tablets, which reduced his eczema to some kind of controllable level.
It started when I was a kid. Behind the backs of my knees and in the crooks of my arms.
Then it faded until I only had it occasionally on the elbow of my right arm.
Last year, it flared up again. REALLY bad. On my arms.
Then I went to America. It was bad when I arrived. Came back a little in Oregon due to the dryness of the air. But otherwise, it was cleared. I forgot I had ever had eczema.
Then I came home.
And started work.
And it started. All over my body, wrist to neck to the calves of my legs.
And I'm terrified. Terrified it'll reach my face, like it did Daddy's. I've begged and cried and prayed on my knees in tears that God will spare my face.
Because there's something mentally scarring about your face being affected.
And probably even worse for a girl than for most guys.
Today is a bad day. My arms are covered with red, inflamed eczema; extremely dry, flaking white skin - dusty masses of it; open bleeding holes from eczema and raised hard spots oozing yellow pus. Masses of them, up and down my arm. Majorly on the right, although I have scratches and a few spots on the left.
Yes...I have contracted hand foot and mouth on top from my baby niece. For the second time. Adults aren't supposed to catch it, but low and behold the family's usual contradiction. *bows*
I'm lying here now in a catch-22 case. It is very cold, and I need to keep warm because otherwise, the eczema worsens. My back is oozing blood, and if I do put something warm on, it will irritate it and make it worse. I can't cover my arms with bandages as they're sticking but if I don't, then the infection can and will spread.
I feel. totally. disgusting.
My body feels and looks disgusting.
I'm looking at my arms now as I'm typing. But am I supposed to look at the framework...or what they can do?
There are hands, attached to arms with bends at the elbows, attached to my shoulders. They're exactly the right length. They're created of a delicate framework in perfected proportion of bone, muscles, nerves, skin and the blood circulatory system. The joints are perfect for how to use my hands. And the hands. Five fingers rapidly tapping away at keys as I blog and chat eight people.
Small fingers. Wrinkled, thickened red skin.
They type.
Type - what?
Words.
Descriptions. Attitudes. Emotions. Feelings. Fears. They express the thoughts of my heart. Which can be praising, or complaining.
They. Are. Amazing.
God gave me an amazing body. For His glory.
And...yes, I am under the curse on my physical body.
But I've preached something often on here and I want to proclaim it again, but in a different way.
God. Uses. The curse.
God uses pain. To pull us towards Himself. He doesn't create it - He uses it.
God can use ANYTHING. God can use EVERYTHING. God can even use an eczema covered, pus oozing, bleeding 19 year old curled up on her bed not wanting to move.
So, Father. I'm holding them out. These wonderful arms that You gave me. You gave them me. I'm giving them back to You. You lead me through the pain of a hundred hurting girls so that I can use it to reach them one day. To show them Your love. To live them Your love.
Physical and emotional abuse, self harm, scars, fear and the normal battles of a teen girl.
You've brought and are bringing me safely through every one.
So, God, I'm looking up at You. And offering You my arms. My disgusting, perfect arms.
You didn't just give them to me. You gave them me with a purpose. To reach out, share Your encouragement and Your love. To praise You in the storms.
So what can You do with my eczema covered, pus oozing arms, Lord?
Because I know You can do something wonderful.
So I give You my arms - as well as my body. Use them.
In Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân
And it's sore.
It's so sore I spend washtime dabbing water on portions of my skin because if I shower properly, I end up crying with pain.
It's inherited genetically.
I remember Daddy telling me his started when he was 19. It went all over his entire body - including his face. He had the wet kind - weeping, they call it - on his face. He had to go to work every day like that. And he said he felt disgusting, like a leper. Until he took aloe vera tablets, which reduced his eczema to some kind of controllable level.
It started when I was a kid. Behind the backs of my knees and in the crooks of my arms.
Then it faded until I only had it occasionally on the elbow of my right arm.
Last year, it flared up again. REALLY bad. On my arms.
Then I went to America. It was bad when I arrived. Came back a little in Oregon due to the dryness of the air. But otherwise, it was cleared. I forgot I had ever had eczema.
Then I came home.
And started work.
And it started. All over my body, wrist to neck to the calves of my legs.
And I'm terrified. Terrified it'll reach my face, like it did Daddy's. I've begged and cried and prayed on my knees in tears that God will spare my face.
Because there's something mentally scarring about your face being affected.
And probably even worse for a girl than for most guys.
Today is a bad day. My arms are covered with red, inflamed eczema; extremely dry, flaking white skin - dusty masses of it; open bleeding holes from eczema and raised hard spots oozing yellow pus. Masses of them, up and down my arm. Majorly on the right, although I have scratches and a few spots on the left.
Yes...I have contracted hand foot and mouth on top from my baby niece. For the second time. Adults aren't supposed to catch it, but low and behold the family's usual contradiction. *bows*
I'm lying here now in a catch-22 case. It is very cold, and I need to keep warm because otherwise, the eczema worsens. My back is oozing blood, and if I do put something warm on, it will irritate it and make it worse. I can't cover my arms with bandages as they're sticking but if I don't, then the infection can and will spread.
I feel. totally. disgusting.
My body feels and looks disgusting.
I'm looking at my arms now as I'm typing. But am I supposed to look at the framework...or what they can do?
There are hands, attached to arms with bends at the elbows, attached to my shoulders. They're exactly the right length. They're created of a delicate framework in perfected proportion of bone, muscles, nerves, skin and the blood circulatory system. The joints are perfect for how to use my hands. And the hands. Five fingers rapidly tapping away at keys as I blog and chat eight people.
Small fingers. Wrinkled, thickened red skin.
They type.
Type - what?
Words.
Descriptions. Attitudes. Emotions. Feelings. Fears. They express the thoughts of my heart. Which can be praising, or complaining.
They. Are. Amazing.
God gave me an amazing body. For His glory.
And...yes, I am under the curse on my physical body.
But I've preached something often on here and I want to proclaim it again, but in a different way.
God. Uses. The curse.
God uses pain. To pull us towards Himself. He doesn't create it - He uses it.
God can use ANYTHING. God can use EVERYTHING. God can even use an eczema covered, pus oozing, bleeding 19 year old curled up on her bed not wanting to move.
So, Father. I'm holding them out. These wonderful arms that You gave me. You gave them me. I'm giving them back to You. You lead me through the pain of a hundred hurting girls so that I can use it to reach them one day. To show them Your love. To live them Your love.
Physical and emotional abuse, self harm, scars, fear and the normal battles of a teen girl.
You've brought and are bringing me safely through every one.
So, God, I'm looking up at You. And offering You my arms. My disgusting, perfect arms.
You didn't just give them to me. You gave them me with a purpose. To reach out, share Your encouragement and Your love. To praise You in the storms.
So what can You do with my eczema covered, pus oozing arms, Lord?
Because I know You can do something wonderful.
So I give You my arms - as well as my body. Use them.
In Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân
I'm praying you get better. But you're right: you're beautiful. <3
ReplyDeleteThree sisters here, eh?
ReplyDeleteYou are gorgeous, Sian. I love you. <3
Praying, sweetheart.
Beautiful, Jane. That is an incredible attitude to have in this suffering. It's convicting for me...I complain about things that don't really matter, when I have so many things to be thankful for. Thank you for sharing this and causing me to think once again...
ReplyDeleteThe Lord bless you, dear! Asking that He grants your request...
Pip <3
@Gracie and Rachie: Thank you _so much_ - for your love and your prayers. Three sisters indeed! :) Forever.
ReplyDeleteI love you too.
@Sarah-le: To be honest, I'm scared of posting stuff like this a lot of the time. Because it could so easily come out as "LOOK AT ME! AREN'T I SO BRAVE AND DOING THE RIGHT THING!"
But then I realise that that's just as much pride as the other. I know God didn't give me this experience for nothing, and so it is to be shared.
My boast must not be - and isn't - in myself for being "brave"; believe me, I complain enough at times. But I know that this ^ is what my attitude should be, and what I should try and make it. So it's in God, Who gives me the strength, helps me endure the trial and will - WILL - WILL bring it through to His glory. <3 <3
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing. :)
ReplyDeletePraying as always. Hang in there, sis!
-Brandy
Thank you, Brandy, so much! God bless you.
ReplyDelete