And Grace Will Lead Me Home.

Climbing up onto the rough log fence, I stretched my arms out for balance and looked down at my feet. The surface was slippery. Two logs, roughly fitted together with a nail through the ends, formed the basic, repetitive structure all around the edge of the playground.

I like adventure, to some degree. Daring feats like climbing wobbly tree logs and walking on them, or dancing around a shop aisle laughing at people's expressions. Yep, I love being nineteen and having the freedom to do that. I also like the internal lessons God teaches through it.

Like today.

I soon realised that by walking carefully, watching every next step I was going to take, would lead to overcarefulness and I would fall. By walking confidently with arms outstretched for balance, and consciously quelling the fear of "I'M GOING TO FALL!" inside, I was LESS likely to fall than if I gave every conscious moment over to the fear that I was very likely to fall.
By taking my eyes off the log and keeping them on my feet - but not too much concentrated on my feet - I was making sure of my step without devoting too much thought to it. I was trusting my feet to take me, while knowing I was likely to fall.
By knowing I could fall, and yet having the faith that I wouldn't, and knowing that if I did, I'd get back up and get back on those logs, the lessons I learned were faith and trusting.
By the time I'd walked all the way around the edge and back, my arms started to hurt from the constant outwards position. But to keep my balance, they were going to have to hurt.

I know there are holes to be picked in my theory. It's just an interesting one. :P

Fear is one of the biggest giants I have to face in my life, and it's only recently I started picking up on it. It's really amazing how many things I'm afraid of. If you know me well, you know that to cope with it, I usually put on a tough-guy act to cope, and can seem practically heartless in a very sensitive situation. Also, if you try and get close to me when I'm scared, I attack. Frightened people can be very defensive. :P

Fear is something that can knock you into a cowering, introverted heap where you refuse to get back up again.

This morning I visited a counsellor, thanks to Mother Garner. I was afraid to, but after some very recent events in my life, I've decided it's time to grow up. No more hiding. No more running. No more pain to deal with pain. The responsibilities I face when I return home require an adult, not a girl. It's time to face the pain. To learn how to deal with it. To move on. I leave some very dear friends in my past, and I don't know if God will ever bring them into my life again. But I trust Him to work things better than that.
I wasn't scared to face the counsellor, like I thought I'd be. It's time to deal with my past, private life, and with my past public life. To heal from it and to face the future with hope. For the first time today, in a long while, the pain is eased a little.
And...and I have hope, that someday I'll spend some time without pain again. I expect scars from the wounds. But I'm ready to stop living in the pain, and instead use it, to reach out to others through it. I don't want to be lost in it any longer.

My arms are going to hurt as I keep them outstretched, reaching out for God. But that's no reason to give in.
My mind is going to concentrate on my next step instead of on the main feat I wish to perform, but I have to constantly focus it back on God.
And my trust is going to dim, and I'm going to want to cower back into that ball. But to glorify God and to allow Him to use me, that hedgehog is going to have to uncurl.

My favourite verse of John Newton's hymn, that I'm starting to love more daily:

"Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come.
T'was grace that brought me safe thus far
And grace will lead me home."


God bless,
~Jane