Soap for Jesus

I guess it's a pretty well known fact that I don't trust guys. Even though I love my brothers, (I really do. You guys are awesome!), I still can't trust most of the guys I know. (That not being entirely your faults; often it's mine, in that I feel I can't trust you because you don't know how bad I am. :P) There are a few that made it into my closed, barred, walled and icy heart. Because when it comes to trusting, that's exactly what I am. Remember I said that was what God was working on next? :D Those few (four/five in total) have faced every kind of backfire you could possibly imagine from me. And they still care about me. They're pretty amazing guys. God's...God works so clearly in them and through them to the people around them. To me, they're the epitome of Unconditional Love. God's Love. It was 5am GMT, and 11pm CST, when one of these guys was up chatting me one night. I won't name him to spare him embarrassment, but he'...

Now I've posted one topic on the state of my affections, ready yourselves for a barrage of day-to-day stuff I notice comparative between the love of God and this earthly, God-given affection. :D One of my friends posted an interesting reply to my last night tweet, which was: God is so very good to me, that I'm so very in love with two wonderful guys. He said: You can't be 'in love' with someone you've never met. I'm guessing he meant I couldn't be in love with God. But again, I had to chuckle, because the guy I'm in love with now, I have loved for two years. I met him last year and spent a very short period of time with him, and that has been the one and only time in our lives, in our four-and-a-half year friendship that we've met. Oh yes, I can be in love with someone I've never met. I spend time every day or couple of days chatting with him. I talk about him. I think about him. I pray over him. I think of him when doing som...

Blubbing seems to be my favourite pastime during services at the moment. God is so loving, so tenderly caring, so very gentle. When we expect condemnation, He tends to show more of His mercy and grace. When we're being arrogant and big-headed and hard-hearted, that's when He tends to break us. Although I admit, you can be broken by love. It's one of the most beautiful things in this world. Last week, Pastor Steve preached on hope. For a girl who'd been struggling a lot the past week and was wrapped in despair...it broke me with love. The main line that I took away from it was: Hope in God when there is none - and He will give you hope. Kristin Dodd, who I met at the Workshop 2012 and tried to reach out to help, has become MY help in so many ways. My little Hope Box, I call her. She drills into me, quite literally, not to despair and "Esperanza" - hope. God is so good... Then this week. There's been financial worry and other worries all week....

I want to heal. Not because I want to be pain-free. Because I expect to feel pain in the future. If I don't, I'll be worried. No, I want to heal so I can minister to others without being focused on and blinded by pain. I want to use that pain - to USE it. Not to be lost in it. God can use everything - and that is why He has safely brought and is bringing me through. I want to use it to reach out to others - to know the pain in their broken hearts and not to guess at it. To give, love and live the love of Christ and be a vessel to bring healing to them. If you don't have any pain in your Christian life; be worried. If there is no pain, no matter how small or large - if you're just gliding along on a peaceful smooth trail - start praying. For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth. It doesn't have to be cyclonic. Just see if there's somewhere God is testing you or growing you. Even if it's trusting Him with school scores. ;) It's not because you haven...

Life's a rough trail, and most of us take the wrong track at some point on the journey. I'm guessing roughly, but for girls, I'd say about three fourths of us, especially in this modern age, have lost virtual or physical purity along the way. Those that are Christians or that later come to Christ may feel something terribly empty inside. Disconnected. Broken. Isolated. Like there's a hole that can't be filled. And a terrible deep sense of guilt. Shame. Dirt. For those that have been pure a long time, or that were subjected to rape, it can lead to self harm or even worse. There is something terribly wrong. A unity meant to last forever has been broken apart. A forever minimised down to a here-and-now. A wealth of meaning diminished to a trivial circumstance. One of the most sacred things in creation has been dragged down into the mud. And we look up at the sky and choke on our tears. For now that we have lost that which made us set apart, what man of the kind that we...

While chatting with someone tonight, I was once again brought face to face with a remnant of my past. Those come in many ways. A scent. A laugh. A sudden repeated line. A shared memory. An image. A word. A name. An action. Good memories. And bad memories. I'm not going to be ambiguous for once...and I'm going to talk pretty freely. So those of you that hate that in me, go for a nice long ramble onto someone else's blog. ;) There, warning over. Tonight's was a flash back from my past. Someone that's been banned from talking to me because of my past as a cutter. I completely understand why that parent has done what they have done. I also would not have done what that parent has done - and don't judge my youth or my lack of actual parenthood (begging my four adoptive children to forgive me at this point! :)) in response. My mother instinct will want to shelter and protect my children from harm - and I will. But I will not hide from them that there are bad, sad thin...

Here's something I chatted into my MP3 when walking home from Walsall after work about a week ago - or less. Enjoy my British accent, and I pray the thoughts will bless you! Apologies for random comments and words though...and the interruptions! They cover modesty, music and trust, and the old and new nature. Things God's trying/starting to teach me. :) Learning and Changing God bless! ~Mademoiselle Sian

It's 10:54 am. Probably be later by the time I finish writing this. Thirty (yes, thirty - I was counting) thirty Peppa Pig episodes later, I carry my finally sleeping (yes, I know, Mr. S, OYANers. Adverbs.) Okay, I'll stop interrupting myself cause it's getting annoying. Thirty Peppa Pig episodes later, I finally carry my sleeping nephew upstairs to his bed and tuck him in, praying desperately under my breath that he will not waken. Today's not been a good day from start to finish...woke up late, accomplished little and what I did accomplish wasn't what I'd particularly aimed to do. People I wanted or hoped to talk to, things either went wrong in the conversation or else, as with tonight because of babysitting, I didn't get online until a few moments before my friend went offline - so we were able to exchange goodbyes. It's also one of those terrible days when I lose words. When I can't really pry deeply into someone's heart or attempt to reach o...

I wasn't sure I'd put my bus pass in my bag this morning. I'd had to go back into work already to check with my "big brother" Mat whether he'd got the photo I was meant to give him, and then stopped to chat briefly with Chris (who I'll tell you about in the next couple of posts). So I was tearing across the road helter-skelter with my eye on the X51 (the bus I catch from work) when it pulled out of the bus stop. And it was raining. Oh well, more time to sing... The 51 pulls in. It takes about 20 minutes longer than the X51 to get into my town. Oh well...then I can't find my bus pass. Lord, You know I need to get home early because of cadets! I look up at the driver and shake my head, then sigh in exasperation as I walk over to the seats and scrabble through my handbag, trying to find my new bus pass - instead of the old one I pulled out twice. I pull it out...just as the next X51, not due for 13 minutes, pulls in. (13 minutes is a lot of difference in ...

Don't you just hate the twang of conviction...when you know you've done wrong and you feel like you're sitting on pins and needles, trying to pacify your conscience with good works and knowing all the time that you need to repent? Don't you just love the twang of conviction...when you know you've done wrong and the Spirit of God reveals it to you? Don't you revel in the comfort of the pain because you KNOW that you are not so far from God that it's just a little discomfort instead of a deep, soul-writhing conviction? God cares. The closer you get to Him, the more you are wrapped up in Him. The more you are wrapped up in Him, the sharper the needle sting of conviction over every sin in your life. When you're chastised, He loves you. He will the more readily chastise you for sin if you are willing and seeking to be made as Himself. So don't hate conviction. Praise Him for it even as you seek His pardon. Like I'm going to have to. God bless! In Chri...

Warning: Unsuitable for children under the age of 14. "I am having a lot of difficulty with my feelings about late abortions - and all the pain that's there so much of the time after the baby is moving. So one day, in a need to arrive at a measure of clarity, I went into the room where they keep the fetuses before burning them. They were next to the garbage cans in papers buckets, like the take-home chicken kind. I looked inside the bucket in front of me. There was a small naked person in there, floating in a bloody liquid. He was purple with bruises and his face had the agonised tautness of one forced to die too soon. I then took off the lids of all the buckets and with a pair of forceps lifted each fetus out by an arm or a leg - leaving, as I returned them, an additional bruise on their acid-soaked bodies. Finally, I lifted out a very large fetus and read the label - Mother's name: C. Atkins; Doctor's name: Saul Marcus; Sex of the item: Male; Time of gestation: 24 we...

Well, here's the first of today's blog posts. :D Here's an email Mom sent me with some random but very good quotes. Enjoy! “When I try, I fail. When I trust, He succeeds.” - Corrie Ten Boom “Great cathedrals and costly houses of worship dazzle our eyes and stir the wonder of the passerby; mighty throngs stream through their aisles every Sabbath; and yet there is a situation that chills the hearts of many of God’s wisest servants. It is a good time to inquire, ‘Where is the Lord God of Elijah?’” - Rev. E. K. Cox, 1929 “One hundred religious persons knit into a unity by careful organization do not constitute a church any more than eleven dead men make a football team.” - A.W. Tozer “We live in a day of itching ears but I have no commission from God to scratch them.” - Leonard Ravenhill “A true love of God must begin with a delight in his holiness.” -Jonathan Edwards “Religion today is not transforming people; rather it is being transformed by th...

One of the worst things for cutters, in my experience/dealings, is when withdrawing...even the mildest cutter has an almost overpowering urge to cut for little to no reason. It is an addiction, it is a dreadful one, and I beg anyone out there considering trying it - don't. Even worse than the self harm which leaves permanent damage, if not physically, then emotionally, is the powerful urge after leaving it to continue punishing oneself for an angry mood, a sour temper, a bad day - in short, anything you feel is your fault and you want to punish yourself for. The effort to fight off that urge is very difficult, and can lead to devising other ways of self harm. The problem is, when you're doing it, you feel like you're punishing the person who deserves it. You can even get into a self-satisfied victim mode; I've punished me, I'm content. Starting it is dangerous. You think you're a coward if you don't, and that you're a coward if you do. As with drugs, you...

Humans are amphibians—half spirit and half animal. ... As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation—the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily good; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love...

And again, while cleaning my boss's house... :P I noticed a fridge magnet that not three months ago I would have found hysterically amusing. (I promise I didn't look at it for more than a few moments! I thought while I worked.) And still, even now in a bitter mood or out shopping with Mom, I would still have an outward amusement and find some satirical agreeing comment. You see, that fridge magnet read, "Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out on its own." Suddenly, the whole idea behind it struck me as wrong. Sure, in the environment I live in it's funny; as a non-Christian I would've bought about ten and sent them around to all my other girl friends who are involved with boys. I was a feminist. Unwittingly so. My friends called me feminist. I denied it. I believed all the right things with my head, but I held all men with contempt in my heart. And I believed very strongly that any woman was equal to a man, could toughen herself up...

Recently, as the Lord has been getting my own Bible reading under control (with much thanks and blessings to my friends - Mrs Beals, Kyle, Braden and Kiehl), I've heard of more and more of my friends struggling with Bible reading and/or prayer time, if not in the morning, then at all through the day. Our strongest Relationship needs to be with our Heavenly Lover throughout our lives, above any earthly attachment. God has been showing me this; and at some point soon I will share it with you. I love this little poem that so aptly describes what happens in our lives as we start to neglect the most important Relationship in this life and the next. I got up early one morning, And rushed right into the day; I had so much to accomplish, I didn’t have time to pray. Troubles just tumbled about me, And heavier came each task. "Why doesn’t God help me?" I wondered. He answered, "You didn’t ask." I tried to come into God’s presence; I used all my keys at the lock. God gentl...

Considering I deal with blasphemy, cadets joking about sleeping with me, being laughed at for my faith, trying to control indecent talk...I often wonder even now, especially when people ask me, why I stay at 196. Until I get this. (7:56:14 PM) Jenny: you only have to do the odd numbered questions (7:56:47 PM) Holly Mae: ah thank God (Y) (7:56:54 PM) Jamie : xD... (7:57:05 PM) Jamie Y entered the room. (7:57:12 PM) Holly Mae: brb (7:57:37 PM) Sian Jones: Amen. (7:57:51 PM) Jamie Y: heyy (7:58:04 PM) Jamie : sian (7:58:16 PM) Jamie : why's God always called 'he'? (7:58:24 PM) Holly Mae: http://www.emaths.co.uk/SAT%20PAPERS/KS3%20SAT%20Papers/Mathematics%20KS3%20SAT%20 Papers/Mathematics%20KS3%20SAT%202009/68P1.pdf (7:58:28 PM) Holly Mae: :| (7:58:59 PM) Jamie : SIAN (7:59:10 PM) Jamie Y: lol (7:59:16 PM) Sian Jones: Sorry. (7:59:35 PM) Jamie : why's God always called 'he'? (8:00:09 PM) Sian Jones: Just getting the right answer. :P (8:00:17 PM) Jamie : okie :P (8:0...

Warning: Not suitable for younger readers. Thursday morning during work, my brain was working overtime. I guess that comes with fervent praying and thinking, something which is not an unusual process with me, but one that I haven't subjected myself to for some time. Results of this being, 1) I was able to write an email with prayerful consideration, and 2) three blog posts I wanted to write. This is a minor one, but still an interesting note. As I was cleaning down the front of her fridge, I noticed that my employer had a certificate on it from her boyfriend/partner. "The World's Sexiest Female". A few of the words underneath were, "hot, sassy, sexy, flirty". The cute little picture in the corner was one of those little-girl stick figures, with an angelic smile, red horns in her head, a pointed tail and a trident. (No, it wasn't me. :) ) It struck me as I looked at it that that is entirely the world's idea of love. All guys want in a girl is the hott...

This following chat was used by permission. The first block text from my cadet "Lee" is a text from his girlfriend. Both of these are real-life 'adopted' siblings and fellow cadets. (6:24:26 PM) Sian Jones: Lee? *gently* (6:28:36 PM) Lee: "Lee I have been thinking an awful lot about my life and I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship long term I am so sorry I will always love you but I am not ready I have a lot of things going on in my life and I can’t juggle school, family life, course work and a relationship all at the same time. I don’t want it to end but I’m not ready for anything yet. can we be good friends please I don’t want to do this but I am thinking of my future I am so sorry it’s not you it’s me I promise I’m not just saying it but I need some time to think xxx I know I am probably hurting you right now and I’m sorry for all the pain I’m causing you and its hurting me to balance everything right now xxx I’m sorry xxxx don’t be sad don’t hurt yourse...

Hee. I'm going to spend one of those lovely random moments sitting here thinking out loud to a screen. You don't have to read if you don't like random. Logical people rarely like random, and I pick up a lot of logical people. Hang on...that doesn't make sense. If they're logical and don't like random, why do they like me? True, I'm not as random as I could be, and as other people are...did I REALLY say that...? Hm. Anyway. You really, really don't have to read this. Cause I'm just wondering about me and humans in general. Nothing inspiring. Nothing intellectually burning. I can see one or two people switching off and going to something worthwhile right now...and one or two others grimly setting their teeth and ploughing through my verbosity, simply cause it's me that's writing it. Another nonsensical thing. You're ploughing through the very stuff that makes me me. Come out of your head and enjoy mine a minute. :P Well. That was what one c...