Troubled

My head's in a muddle.

Two girls.

One way fulfilling, meeting the eager hungers of what I want to be. Meaning I have to use boundless energy, stand alone, take responsibility.

One way dark, confused, promising clouds and pain.


One will meet what I am and want now, test and fire and grow me in those areas.

The other will change me, show me new places as yet untrodden, take me into strength beyond strength not of my own.


The girl strolling around B&Q in the careless hair-do, unrefreshed makeup, sleeveless white top and blue jeans; abandoning all her dreams right now, throwing herself heart and soul into the work of the Royal Air Force Association and the Royal British Legion, changing jobs and climbing steadily onwards and upwards towards her goal of joining the Royal Air Force, becoming heavily involved in the Air Training Corps, working towards her commission.
The girl who gets involved in politics, with that potential energy lying underneath, still masked, the great influence and charm she has with people working towards bringing her chosen party to power.

I know I could do that. It would take - everything I am. It is bright, is interesting, exciting, challenging, adventurous.


Or - or I could walk the path I am now.

A path of pain. Or constant, vicious inward and outward conflict.


The girl who doesn't wear makeup or jeans that often, mostly resorting to blouses and long skirts because she's trying to show Christ from the inside rather than the outside.
Not because looking good outside is wrong, but because she knows she is attractive and that will pull people - and her, because she's weak - the wrong way.
The girl who's involved in the RAFA and will in the future (carefully) get involved with the RBL, and will continue her work with the ATC, but who has her sight on something more. And that's why she won't fulfil her dream and join the RAF.
That's why she won't get involved with politics, because her goal is something more.
She hates seeing her people being oppressed. But still more, she hates seeing souls lost, locked up and in tortured pain.
The girl with the past. The past that CAN be used to reach out to hurting people.
The girl who dreams of America, and a future of helping people who have been hurt as she has been.

Or will she choose to let the past go, and simply use what it has made her - not what it could do for others?

The work will be more successful in the first life. More bright. Less hard - in mental and emotional pain. It would reach more people - for far more would respond to political activism than would respond to someone trying to reach into their hearts and past their walls to love them as they are.

I have a God Who calls me. Will He give me the first? Or lead me into the second?

God...show me...

Comments

  1. GraceSaturday, May 05, 2012 4:01:00 pm

    Aw, Siansy. *hug* I'd like to say a few things, but don't take this as advice; just as observations.

    I don't see how these two dreams can't go together. God doesn't give you dreams and desires for nothing. I believe that, in general, God takes you to two basic forks in the road. He tells you which major one to take. Take myself, for example. Here is the life goal that God has given me: end abortion. First in the USA, and then the world. I don't know if that'll happen in my lifetime, but I'm going to do my absolute best to make it happen.

    And then, once you begin traveling down that road, there's another fork. One of the biggest paths is becoming the leader of a major pro-life organization, living on only donations, and my entire lifestyle revolving around getting the right people elected, picketing abortion clinics, and working with the law to make abortion illegal. Plus going to church and taking care of my family, naturally.

    But that's not the only fork. I have multiple dreams and desires at this point in my life, but I don't know which one will become "major" for me. For example:
    I could use my love of politics to run for office and become a pro-life lawmaker. Or perhaps I could become a pro-life lawyer who investigates and takes the cases that no one else will.
    I could use my skills for writing to become a journalist for lifesitenews.com, World, or even big-time newspapers (if they don't kick me out for voicing my strong opinions). Or I could write life-affirming novels.
    I could use my talent for piano and my semi-talent for art to, say, play during pro-life fund-raising banquets, or auction off art celebrating life, and donating the profits to pro-life organizations.
    I could use my love of the life sciences to go into medicine, and as an ob/gyn or family doctor, be able to counsel and inform people authoritatively about the truth of abortion--and be able to volunteer at crisis pregnancy centers as well.
    I may be a stay-at-home mom who just finds time to volunteer every once in a while.

    Now, I honestly don't see how those
    two "dreams" of yours would fit in perfect harmony--and they may very well not. God may call you to take the "big" obvious fork and plunge into ministry full-time. There's nothing wrong with that fork. But that doesn't mean He will. There may be a "hybrid" you haven't seen yet. Or there may not.

    And this doesn't mean that your dreams can't change. For example, there are an abundance of stories about young women determined to have successful careers, get rich, travel the world, marry well, never have children, whatever. And then they get pregnant and their whole perspective of life changes. They have a new dream. That doesn't mean that their old dream was bad, or that they won't miss it (who DOESN'T fantasize about traveling the world?). It just means that they've discovered a dream that transcends that.

    So whatever you end up doing, even if it means giving up what you think you've always wanted, if you're doing God's will it will always turn out as the best plan for you, and will bring you the most joy.

    And He'll show you what His will is. You'll choose the wrong things sometimes, but don't freak out, because you are truly trying and He understands that.

    God bless. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jane JohnsonSaturday, May 05, 2012 4:47:00 pm

    Thanks for the encouragement, Gracie. I needed that.
    For now I'm trying to work on a hybrid, but they're both going to clash and be a choice at some point, I think...but something else is coming too...

    It's all confusing.

    I'm...glad..He understands. I want to do it for Him. Truly. But I don't understand how He wants me to use everything He's given me.

    Thank you, sister. <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. GodsgirlSaturday, May 05, 2012 11:14:00 pm

    *huggles* Did I give you the link to Life Purpose Planning, Janey? You should look into it. We'll chat about it sometime, okay? <3 I love you.
    ~Dri

    ReplyDelete

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