Pain of the Depths
When you walk through the town centre carrying a bouquet of roses and carnations, and two lonely middle aged women jump up, sarcastically exclaiming that you've brought them flowers...so you give them one rose each, thinking that there's no one to probably give them bouquets...
When you sit helplessly at work after completing an hour long survey, crying silently as the other woman on the end of the phone is sobbing so hard she can barely speak, because you've just raked up the depths of her heart...her husband with cancer newly returned, her son with epilepsy that the doctors won't diagnose...of course there was empathy and that's why it opened her...
When you ride home on a bus and have a phone call telling you someone's depressed and your heart sinks into the bottom of your boots...
When you make a firm and cheerful decision to move to buy a house that will saddle you with debt for twenty-five years...
When you realise that you will see your father again next week...a man you'd planned never to see again until you emigrated, and the last time you saw, you hurt yourself...
When you walk into a house that seeps with darkness and stillness and ceaseless chatter and cynicism and sadness and loneliness and neediness and have no idea how to do anything but try to shine feebly...and end up sharing the depression....
When you try to deal with conversations and helplessly watch friends self-harming and cry silently because you can't help or be there...and try to interact with other verbal chats about nothing...
When you watch your family fall apart...listen to all and side with none...fence posts turn out to be not so safe after all.
When you think you see God's plan and a door opening and it turns out to be slammed in your face...
When you spend five mindless days and two tortured ones because of knowing five more are coming...
When your heart is adventure and your body trapped in mindless routine...
When everyone requires and expects you to remember and all you do is forget...
When you feel so close to God and yet so far...
When so many prayer requests come in and you _forget_...
When your friends all distance but a few and everyone cares but no one's there...
When you crumple in tears on a bus in front of strangers because it's the safest place to cry and end up with a strange guy with a kindly face patting the seat next to him...
When you stoop and take up your cross and realise the weight and the distance to travel...and look up and call out...where am I going?
And He says...Follow me.
When your mind blows and you curl up in a ball and long for life to be over sooner than later...
There's one phrase that carries me through.
"Jesus loves me."
Then you watch Fireproof...
And realise.
Love gives everything.
Love is unconditional.
God is Love.
And that is why He can love me.
~Siân
When you sit helplessly at work after completing an hour long survey, crying silently as the other woman on the end of the phone is sobbing so hard she can barely speak, because you've just raked up the depths of her heart...her husband with cancer newly returned, her son with epilepsy that the doctors won't diagnose...of course there was empathy and that's why it opened her...
When you ride home on a bus and have a phone call telling you someone's depressed and your heart sinks into the bottom of your boots...
When you make a firm and cheerful decision to move to buy a house that will saddle you with debt for twenty-five years...
When you realise that you will see your father again next week...a man you'd planned never to see again until you emigrated, and the last time you saw, you hurt yourself...
When you walk into a house that seeps with darkness and stillness and ceaseless chatter and cynicism and sadness and loneliness and neediness and have no idea how to do anything but try to shine feebly...and end up sharing the depression....
When you try to deal with conversations and helplessly watch friends self-harming and cry silently because you can't help or be there...and try to interact with other verbal chats about nothing...
When you watch your family fall apart...listen to all and side with none...fence posts turn out to be not so safe after all.
When you think you see God's plan and a door opening and it turns out to be slammed in your face...
When you spend five mindless days and two tortured ones because of knowing five more are coming...
When your heart is adventure and your body trapped in mindless routine...
When everyone requires and expects you to remember and all you do is forget...
When you feel so close to God and yet so far...
When so many prayer requests come in and you _forget_...
When your friends all distance but a few and everyone cares but no one's there...
When you crumple in tears on a bus in front of strangers because it's the safest place to cry and end up with a strange guy with a kindly face patting the seat next to him...
When you stoop and take up your cross and realise the weight and the distance to travel...and look up and call out...where am I going?
And He says...Follow me.
When your mind blows and you curl up in a ball and long for life to be over sooner than later...
There's one phrase that carries me through.
"Jesus loves me."
Then you watch Fireproof...
And realise.
Love gives everything.
Love is unconditional.
God is Love.
And that is why He can love me.
~Siân
You write beautifully Sian.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :)
ReplyDeleteWhen God uses pain, it usually is beautiful.
*hugs tight* Praying for you sis.
ReplyDelete<3 <3 Pip
*is in tears*
ReplyDeleteJaney, I want so much to be with you, to hold you, to pray with you again. I would that the miles between us didn't exist. Oh Jane, I love you. So much. I wish that I could do more to help you, though prayer is the most powerful thing we can do. You mean so much to me, and have made such an impact on my life - and not just mine. Many others.
May God make ways for you where there are none, my sister.
With all my love,
Dri
Dri and Sarah, you two have to be two of my closest girl buddies...
ReplyDeleteI teared up when I read your comments. Thank you so much for all you do for me.
I loves you both. So much. <3
Janey
Wow, Sian! That was powerful, dearest. You write such beatiful, sad, and poignant words. *Hugs tightly* I think and pray about you often. Love you xxx
ReplyDelete*hugs back* I love you too, girlie. xxxx
ReplyDelete((((HUGS)))) I cried.
ReplyDeleteJesus is with you *no matter what* -- I am praying for you darling! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3