Tortured Mind

And the pitch gets louder,, and longer, and higher
And three different noises going on at once
And incessant talking
Cause of her loneliness
But it's lonely when she doesn't talk
And lonely when she does
And one job equates so many
And she goes deaf and doesn't respond
And adds to the loneliness
And the silence is great
And so much to do
And she starts to jump
The incessant noise
The aching griefs
The unbearable silence
The talking silence
Then she jumps, uncontrolled
And the tears pour without ceasing
And the comments start to come
And the gossip chain starts
SHE NEEDS TO TALK!
But she doesn't want to talk
Not to just ANYONE.
But they don't understand
And try and barge in
And she's screaming to go
And someone to come
And missing someone.
And they say it's selfcentred
And she knows it is,
and curses herself for it
The drums of the Master in the head of a mad woman.
She only wanted sanity.
Painkillers
Drugs
Alcohol
Sex
Self harm
None work
Just numb
Want to heal
How to heal?
So much distance
Now everyone.
Just her?
Or everyone else?
Going mad.
Wonder if she'll be pleading for them to take her in the end.
So much she wanted to do from this life
So much she wanted to do for God.
Wants to lead those who lean for gentle support,
Wants to help the weak and be kind to the strong,
Encourage and strengthen and point up to Christ.
Collapse on the brink
Nothing there...
God near and distant.
Failure in so much.
Useless?
At least worth something to God.
Half a soul poured out and still in the confusion
So many won't see the real thing
But will judge off the confusion
Not seeing God
Just seeing the mess...
WANT THEM TO SEE GOD
But on the brink
How can she do that?
Days seem WASTED.
Nights spent in collapsed sleep.
Disadvantages to having only friends in another country.
Too many disapproving stares
Trying to monitor and make sure you stay in the lines.
How about - unconditional love?
Can't fit in your lines.
Not unless she shuts down completely.
Can't seem to do that.
Voice goes to a high pitched thread
Music on loud
Deafening yourself?
Yeah...old age...don't want to live to see it.
Can't see an end...God...show me an end.

Comments

Post a Comment

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

Popular posts from this blog

Outta 'Arm's Way

Image
It's painful. And it's sore. It's so sore I spend washtime dabbing water on portions of my skin because if I shower properly, I end up crying with pain. It's inherited genetically. I remember Daddy telling me his started when he was 19. It went all over his entire body - including his face. He had the wet kind - weeping, they call it - on his face. He had to go to work every day like that. And he said he felt disgusting, like a leper. Until he took aloe vera tablets, which reduced his eczema to some kind of controllable level. It started when I was a kid. Behind the backs of my knees and in the crooks of my arms. Then it faded until I only had it occasionally on the elbow of my right arm. Last year, it flared up again. REALLY bad. On my arms. Then I went to America. It was bad when I arrived. Came back a little in Oregon due to the dryness of the air. But otherwise, it was cleared. I forgot I had ever had eczema. Then I came home. And started work. ...
Read more

My Battle with Modesty

WARNING: I'm not sure about the appropriateness of this for guys...so if you think it's bad, stop reading. Okay? I read Jay Lauser’s excellent post on A New Kind of Modesty (which you really, really, really should read, though I won’t post it up seven times like my big sister C’rissie :P) yesterday, and thought I would like to blog my struggle and weakness in that area for...encouragement? General opinion? Not quite sure, although it certainly wasn’t out of self consideration. :P Then I read C’rissie’s post connected with Jay’s, A Rant on Modesty ;), which you can read here . And decided that I felt too embarrassed after reading that, because they were both so good and covered the ground enough, so I wouldn’t. Well, this morning, I changed my mind. (Although after rereading it again just, with all the comments, I feel quite small about posting this...*hits send before I rethink*) It’s not too often that I gain a victory over my worldliness to be happy in the clothes I’m weari...
Read more

Best Time of My Life ~ Now

You know those points in life where things just hit you? It came to me as I was washing up in the kitchen, snuggled in my fluffy grey dressing gown, the electric light off and the warm glow of the sunset fading in through the window, Michael Card's Celtic music playing in the background. I'm 21. And finally life seems to be coming, in a way. So many plans and hopes and dreams buzzing through my head, so much that is likely to and so easily can be smashed. "I'm fine on my own," I said aloud, laughed, looked up and sighed. These moments where I'm the only one in the house and can talk out loud on everything with God - cause He already knows it - and know the intimate closeness of Him in my spirit. "No, I'm not. But I'm okay with that. You're here, and You'll be with me until the time is right." Marriages are sprouting up all around me as my friends begin to pair off, and the middle-aged-21 crisis struck me. Not so much because...
Read more