A Fading World
Okay. So put it bluntly.
I've lost my best friend due to cadets. I don't like cadets for that reason.
I'm tired of being treated like a cadet by the other NCOs when I'm told I can't be one.
I feel threatened by the growing dependence of the sergeants and the CO on the other corporal over me. Which sounds more jealous as not, but the other three NCOs are starting to pair off. Okay, their friendship, not my problem. What is, is that the other corporal is finding out stuff first about the Squadron and what's going on, and then telling me, which is making it extremely difficult. What does it look like to the cadets if the senior corporal knows nothing about what's going on, and the junior corporal does and is telling me about it? How am I supposed to keep respect for rank when I'm treated as though I haven't got it?
Well! The problem was cleared up between the CO and me, nominally, on the Sunday afterwards...gave him some chocolate and told him I was sorry. He was as friendly as usual, and told me I shouldn't, it was in the past, I'd learned my lesson, etc.
However, I think the damage is done...I can't say I'm too sorry, and I can't apologise more than I have, and I'm certainly not backstabbing the Boss to get in favour with the CO! NO go!
I'm also having trouble with one of the members of staff...there's kind of a power struggle going on. I don't know what to do...but if he ever gets a uniformed position on our Squadron, I. AM. LEAVING.
Sometimes I look back and wonder what happened to my dedication? I don't know. It feels like a battlefield on which I have been vanquished. I cannot change. That is some slight motivation behind my longing to join the Royal Air Force...an effort to repair the past. I know with God's help, and as an officer, I can harden my heart and I will be able to carry the mission through this time.
The lesson from the past has taught me a few things...and I have learned to look on a longing for protection and to be safe in a nest with a family as a weakness common to women which I must crush, destroy, root out, whatever. I believe God has called me to be single...I know He laid the call on my heart when I knelt in that church near the memorial to join the Royal Air Force...then surely, surely I should be able to leave this behind and boldly step forward to face the future with no fear.
I think I am certain...I know I thought at the time when God freed me from my first dependance on loving a guy, that He was calling me to be single as a punishment for my sin, that He had given me the taste of love so I had known what it was like and then pointed me on the path He had meant me to be. So many things were pointing towards singleness...sermons, comments from people...I'll never forget one guy preaching that marriage is the highest calling for a woman - except for singleness. Singleness is higher. I wanted to be worthy of that.
Then when I fought with that two-year attraction and finally gave way...I despised myself for it...but what was meant to be an innocent flirtation engaged my heart unawares. I had never tasted anything like that before. It was beautiful. But my, it hurts afterwards. Nine months afterwards. My struggle upwards for purity and my stand were smashed within two weeks. I let so many people down. I hate myself for it. I destroyed my witness at the Squadron, and I nearly lost my best friend.
I always wanted to be the girl that would achieve something. I didn't want fame. I just wanted to show that we women aren't as helpless as we're made to look...some cute little prettied doll to dance attendance on the male species. I never wanted that for my life. I wanted - I still want - to be the first woman to do something big. Something that people say we can't do. The first woman in the Special Air Services - the famous SAS, the trained-to-be ruthless killing Squad, was - and in a way, still is - my goal. I would love to be tough enough to join that.
But to do that, I must crush part of myself. Is it myself, or is it a weakness? Did God truly call me in that little church as I knelt in front of that memorial? Or was it my cadet influence along with my reverential attitude towards the men who died that I might be free, that overwhelmed me in an emotional moment? That voice that shouted singleness...and I said yes! That is for me! No heartbreak, no pain, and a life dedicated towards serving God alone! Was it something Satan decided to drag to my attention? How am I to know? I feel so confused.
I need to decide one course or another. I shouldn't have written all of this here, but it is closely interlinked with my present course in the Air Training Corps and my future career in the RAF.
I am very defiantly pursuing my chosen calling. My "happy singleness" - under which cowers an aching heart. My "wonderful career" - under which mask crawls the human instinct for family, love and protection. I despise myself for showing such weakness. I do not know where to go. I am afraid to let go, because it will be a step into the darkness. The pain I know will come if I follow my present path is a pain I know. Nothing frightens me so much as being left as helpless and dependant. With pain I do not know on the way. I want to let go, and then despise the flaw in character that demands that I hang career and singleness and become dependant. But there is SO MUCH PAIN involved. Ow.
Humph. This was far much more than I wanted to post. Still, I think I ought to post it so Lyds can lecture me. I shouldn't even bother posting really...but it's so interconnected with my life...oh, I DONT know!
A strength for other people, I now have to lean on other strengths. A confidant for troubles, I now confide my own. A friend to those in need, I have betrayed and lost so many. Is there anything more despicable than this?
What a witness.
I've lost my best friend due to cadets. I don't like cadets for that reason.
I'm tired of being treated like a cadet by the other NCOs when I'm told I can't be one.
I feel threatened by the growing dependence of the sergeants and the CO on the other corporal over me. Which sounds more jealous as not, but the other three NCOs are starting to pair off. Okay, their friendship, not my problem. What is, is that the other corporal is finding out stuff first about the Squadron and what's going on, and then telling me, which is making it extremely difficult. What does it look like to the cadets if the senior corporal knows nothing about what's going on, and the junior corporal does and is telling me about it? How am I supposed to keep respect for rank when I'm treated as though I haven't got it?
Well! The problem was cleared up between the CO and me, nominally, on the Sunday afterwards...gave him some chocolate and told him I was sorry. He was as friendly as usual, and told me I shouldn't, it was in the past, I'd learned my lesson, etc.
However, I think the damage is done...I can't say I'm too sorry, and I can't apologise more than I have, and I'm certainly not backstabbing the Boss to get in favour with the CO! NO go!
I'm also having trouble with one of the members of staff...there's kind of a power struggle going on. I don't know what to do...but if he ever gets a uniformed position on our Squadron, I. AM. LEAVING.
Sometimes I look back and wonder what happened to my dedication? I don't know. It feels like a battlefield on which I have been vanquished. I cannot change. That is some slight motivation behind my longing to join the Royal Air Force...an effort to repair the past. I know with God's help, and as an officer, I can harden my heart and I will be able to carry the mission through this time.
The lesson from the past has taught me a few things...and I have learned to look on a longing for protection and to be safe in a nest with a family as a weakness common to women which I must crush, destroy, root out, whatever. I believe God has called me to be single...I know He laid the call on my heart when I knelt in that church near the memorial to join the Royal Air Force...then surely, surely I should be able to leave this behind and boldly step forward to face the future with no fear.
I think I am certain...I know I thought at the time when God freed me from my first dependance on loving a guy, that He was calling me to be single as a punishment for my sin, that He had given me the taste of love so I had known what it was like and then pointed me on the path He had meant me to be. So many things were pointing towards singleness...sermons, comments from people...I'll never forget one guy preaching that marriage is the highest calling for a woman - except for singleness. Singleness is higher. I wanted to be worthy of that.
Then when I fought with that two-year attraction and finally gave way...I despised myself for it...but what was meant to be an innocent flirtation engaged my heart unawares. I had never tasted anything like that before. It was beautiful. But my, it hurts afterwards. Nine months afterwards. My struggle upwards for purity and my stand were smashed within two weeks. I let so many people down. I hate myself for it. I destroyed my witness at the Squadron, and I nearly lost my best friend.
I always wanted to be the girl that would achieve something. I didn't want fame. I just wanted to show that we women aren't as helpless as we're made to look...some cute little prettied doll to dance attendance on the male species. I never wanted that for my life. I wanted - I still want - to be the first woman to do something big. Something that people say we can't do. The first woman in the Special Air Services - the famous SAS, the trained-to-be ruthless killing Squad, was - and in a way, still is - my goal. I would love to be tough enough to join that.
But to do that, I must crush part of myself. Is it myself, or is it a weakness? Did God truly call me in that little church as I knelt in front of that memorial? Or was it my cadet influence along with my reverential attitude towards the men who died that I might be free, that overwhelmed me in an emotional moment? That voice that shouted singleness...and I said yes! That is for me! No heartbreak, no pain, and a life dedicated towards serving God alone! Was it something Satan decided to drag to my attention? How am I to know? I feel so confused.
I need to decide one course or another. I shouldn't have written all of this here, but it is closely interlinked with my present course in the Air Training Corps and my future career in the RAF.
I am very defiantly pursuing my chosen calling. My "happy singleness" - under which cowers an aching heart. My "wonderful career" - under which mask crawls the human instinct for family, love and protection. I despise myself for showing such weakness. I do not know where to go. I am afraid to let go, because it will be a step into the darkness. The pain I know will come if I follow my present path is a pain I know. Nothing frightens me so much as being left as helpless and dependant. With pain I do not know on the way. I want to let go, and then despise the flaw in character that demands that I hang career and singleness and become dependant. But there is SO MUCH PAIN involved. Ow.
Humph. This was far much more than I wanted to post. Still, I think I ought to post it so Lyds can lecture me. I shouldn't even bother posting really...but it's so interconnected with my life...oh, I DONT know!
A strength for other people, I now have to lean on other strengths. A confidant for troubles, I now confide my own. A friend to those in need, I have betrayed and lost so many. Is there anything more despicable than this?
What a witness.
There's nothing wrong with seeking council, needing comfort, having problems, dear! Nobody expects you to be perfect, and if your friendships were based only on serving others...well...how do YOU yourself grow? At any rate. I'm going to read it over again and see if I can get it any clearer in my head...sorry, got so much going on at the moment, not at full computing level.
ReplyDeleteThanks, dear...somehow I think you'll understand without scolding me and help me go right. Hope everything's going ok! ;) :P
ReplyDeleteJanie x
Jane-girl, if it is not TRULY what God is calling you to, don't destroy part of yourself to achieve your goal. I don't think that wanting love and security is a weakness. It's part of the way God made us, and since He is perfect, and what He created was perfect (before the fall), then wanting those sorts of things isn't wrong.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed that when I was younger, I tried very hard to develope a "cowboy" mentality. Where no hurt -physical, or emotional- should be shown because that was "weak" and "not what cowboys did". I wanted to be strong.
I still want to be strong, but I'm learning that strength comes in different ways. And I still notice some of that mentality in myself, sort of a "buck it up and deal with it" thing. But when I try for too long to be stoic and not allow my emotions to work the way God intended, I either feel hopelessly empty and dull or I build up steam like a pressure-cooker until I explode.
Well...that IS still connected to the earlier part of my comment. Or at least it should be.
Just don't chase away every natrual inclination; the ones that aren't sinful and base. *hug*
Hannah-le, what if it is not what God is calling me to do? How am I to know? Praying and seeking His will may (and must) lead me to the same conclusion as before.
ReplyDeleteIs it not likely that Satan would throw a hundred distractions in the path of God's service? Using a timeless human weakness that has laid many low before cannot be of any problem to him. If the natural man must be killed, then the natural desires must follow too, surely.
If it IS what God is calling me to do, then part of me must die. If I gave in to that weakness, I would forever despise myself as a coward for picking the easy way over the road of the Cross. Doesn't God command that we should deny ourselves and take up our crosses to follow Him?
I can empathise with what you said about your emotions. How do you cope?
Hun, I'm working through some of the very same stuff right now. Mostly everyone in our circle doesn't "do" college; the girls, that is. But I'm feeling that God wants me to do something that would greatly benefit from a college education. I don't have all the answers yet. I just keep praying. I know that He will show both of us in His timing, and probably in ways that neither of us expect.
ReplyDeleteYes. 'Tis very likely. That is why I want to try to stay open to what God says; so I'll be able to tell what is His will and what is a distraction.
Quite possibly, and I'm not denying that. I'm just saying don't squelch a part of yourself without clear leading from Him. He wouldn't want you to do that.
Cope? Um. Heh. Well...I don't really have it down to a science. I try to stay in the Word and to be more willing to confide in and admit things to people that I'm close to. Or write it down or pray it out so I don't have all that bottled-up frusteration. But I still blow it...a lot. Exercise helps too. And writing. And listening to good music.