Soap for Jesus

Writers. A forum. Testing waters, not yet knowing who we'd be. Fighting. Backsliding. Growing closer. Fought for me against them. Against the darkness. "Give them my email." He who was so cautious about letting other people have his details, gave them to fight for me. Arguing. Constantly. Respect. Never realising. I gave stuff up to talk. Constantly demanding to talk. Freaked out if he couldn't talk. He always made time. Even got grounded a few times because he went over the limit. Mentioned a girl he would like if he'd let himself. Realised. Ran. Two guys apart, I accepted it. Compliments from him, kind words, meant the world to me. I began to save them. A friend found out about it after the time that he said with me in the RAF and him at college/working, our friendship would probably disappear and I freaked. Then the friend let it loose to him. We talked. Agreed a time to separate and pray. I offered to kill it, told him I was being stupid. He asked ...

Recently, it was the birthday of The Dude. It was kinda a hard day, despite this place of constant peace and resting the Lord has provided. It took a bit of pondering, over the past few weeks, whether or not to send a birthday greeting. After all, he totally blanked (probably forgot, you know what men are like :P ) my birthday this year, in spite of our past friendship of seven years. The one part was going, "Well, I want to ignore him. He ignored me. Maybe I should just leave it to public holiday greetings from now." The catty, angry, self-righteous part wanted to send him a greeting, just to say to myself that at least I did the right thing. And both of them were holding back because, well, I don't want to give in to the self-righteous part. I want to love him right and purely. In the end, I sent it. Because holding back isn't an option. When you love, you give all, whether or not it's returned. It's a rejoicing day because someone is alive, someo...

*grins* That's a Black Country term, so most of y'all probably won't know that. ;) So here's me, in sweatshirt, fancy necklace and Mediæval bodice fresh from work, earbuds dangling and still distantly playing Mandisa's "What If We Were Real" album, pj trousers on and perched on a chair, typing this while gobbling up some pumpkin soup - WITH CHEESE. Scrummicking round the house, getting fed and watered before settling down to work at home for the evening. Y'know, it's impossible to explain the joy and peace that's been here the last few days. The period I've just gone through has been the blackest, spiritually, I remember walking through in the past four years, since my backslide when I was 17. I don't remember what jolted me to actually fighting again. I was convinced God wasn't going to fight for me anymore, and on being told that He was waiting for me to say no to doing wrong in the weakest area of my life and wasn't go...

I hate typing up stuff like this, because it feels crazy and I feel shy about being crazy. On occasion. :P For the first time in two months, I have inexplicable hope in my heart. I'm starting to weakly seek after God again in action, instead of stumbling blindly, hanging off maxims and knowledge and repeating words that ring dusty in my mouth, groping for a truth that I'm too tired to seek. Satan sure knows the places to shoot the Lord's servants down. Without the shadow of a doubt. Two months of being shaken and too tired to care. Giving up. The motions were those of moving forwards, when everything in me wanted to sit down in the road, cross my arms and refuse to do. Spiritually, emotionally, I had, and was wondering exactly how long it would be before it became visible to everyone. Spiritual decline is very quickly visible. The last weekend away at the Lauser family's home in Ireland really...helped. To stop. To look. To listen...to be forcibly embedded in God...

I've tried to follow God and seek Him and put Him first in my life, even when it seemed against impossible odds. I have tried to be meek and mild Siân, to the point of getting hurt a lot by avoiding the arguments online. I wanted to help people, even when the rest of the world told me it wasn't my business and I should leave it to older people with more maturity and responsibility. Two huge betrayals this year - and one last year - left me floundering. 1) The entire incident with Mr C. (Nov 2013) 2) The betrayal of OYAN (Feb/March 2014) 3) The near loss of my job (July 2014) I don't trust people any more. I can't. I can't even do what I was doing before and trust them to some level. I still talk to people about stuff - at all levels, but when they walk on me, it just doesn't bother me any more. I accept - even expect - everyone who walks into my life and wants to talk about the deep things is going to walk on me. That's just what people do. Doesn...

Dear World, It's me. Well. Not really. You don't know me. To some I'm a clump of cells, or to others I'm a living being from conception. You've yet to meet me, but I'm a baby growing inside my mommy. I'm supposed to be born in a few months, but there's a word she's using. Abortion. She says it with a pained voice, but at the same time, it's disgust. Disgust towards me or the abortion? Doesn't she want me? I'm a girl! I want to wear dresses, run through the yard and tackle my daddy when he comes home from work, and pick wild flowers for you, mommy. I keep growing, and I'm moving too. I feel mommy's hand next to me and she sings to me. I can hear her and daddy's laugh. They sound happy for me to arrive. But why does this abortion keep coming up? Don't they want me? I just want to see their faces... Won't you keep me? Adella ~ Dear World, My name is Adella. I'm sixteen years old and am a survivor. O...

I figured a lot of you could probably do with a touch of lightheartedness (with a pinch of truth) to end this week, after the hurt caused by a whole stinkin' mess of conversative Christians. So, here is the way to start a guy-girl friendship. Joel Parisi adopted me as his new big sister, though we're kinda more contemporaries. A little further on into the conversation (which is part serious, part fun): Joel: You really should get back to him. Even if you... don't feel comfortable? Skyping, just keeping up a correspondence would (I think) mean a lot to both of you. Me: *nods* Poke me until I do? Please? Joel: Sure. Me: Not. Literally. Joel: LOL yeah, I was totally going to fly over there and follow you around, poking you. :rofl: Me: *facepalm* Joel. Srsly. Joel: I's teasing!! Look, I'm not your usual oblivious guy. Me: NO! Really?!?! I'm shocked. Joel: If you say something that's a bit unclear, rest assured, I've usually got it....