The Lightening Sky
I hate typing up stuff like this, because it feels crazy and I feel shy about being crazy. On occasion. :P
For the first time in two months, I have inexplicable hope in my heart. I'm starting to weakly seek after God again in action, instead of stumbling blindly, hanging off maxims and knowledge and repeating words that ring dusty in my mouth, groping for a truth that I'm too tired to seek.
Satan sure knows the places to shoot the Lord's servants down. Without the shadow of a doubt.
Two months of being shaken and too tired to care. Giving up. The motions were those of moving forwards, when everything in me wanted to sit down in the road, cross my arms and refuse to do. Spiritually, emotionally, I had, and was wondering exactly how long it would be before it became visible to everyone. Spiritual decline is very quickly visible.
The last weekend away at the Lauser family's home in Ireland really...helped. To stop. To look. To listen...to be forcibly embedded in God again. To see a little more than just hanging onto the rainbows. To force myself to want God more than anything, to be willing to make a choice that costs, to know that God counts for more than anything else in my existence. At the same time, I fought a battle of letting go and realising that...my life is truly not my own.
What I want more than anything else in this world is the one thing that would make me truly happy - but at the same time means that, perhaps, I would devote all my time and energy and focus to it. While I currently don't, and haven't in the past, maybe God knew that. Maybe He is supplying lesser to fill the gap enough so that I must still seek Him for the greater.
What God desires is my holiness - my purification. What I desire most in this life is to become like Him and live out for Him. Sometimes my desire for pain to stop drowns that. But God would never force us against our will, though we're often left yelling at Him because it didn't work out as we wanted, only later to discover that it was a perfect and wise choice. We may think it's forcing, but if the ground is not there for His will, He doesn't move. He calls, but He doesn't force.
Meh. Wandering. :P
Scuffling out of work today, feeling terrible with the gaping hole of fear starting to open its hungry jaws again...
Read my Bible on the train this morning through awkwardness...I hate feeling awkward about it! Praying...consistently...openly...talking about everything...I need the lines clear. I tend to cut Him off way too much.
Praying...hoping...with the very consistent and loud fear in my heart/head that He may not answer, that I may have gone too far, I may be at a point where He's pushing me to do the right thing and He's not going to move to help me.
It was raining, but I was singing...music is such a choice to listen to...so many times I don't want to listen to the worship songs...I want to sing/listen to songs that reflect my mood...sometimes that is good, but sometimes I need to change my mood and make myself adore/fall in love with Him again.
"Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power..."
I don't need to make Him move for me. I just need to worship Him and trust - yes, blindly - that He will do what He says. I hate blind trusting. I've done it every time and He's never let me down, but I still hate every next step. :D
It seems weird to share it, but He blessed my soul so much through this.
Have you ever been in a situation...a physical one...where the sky seems to lighten around you? The clouds were heavy and the rain thickened, and lifted, and thickened...
But as I looked up at the sky, the entire twenty minutes walk home...the sky seemed alight around me.
Here's some photos, as I tried to capture it...
I hate feeling like an idiot, which I do sharing this, especially as I've been dissed so much for having a relationship with God through emotion, but His presence was so close. I knew I was secure and safe in His Hands...uncertain as I still am of His choice and path in my life.
Truly, the God of angel armies, Who sent His Son to die at Calvary and rise again from the tomb the third day, the Lord of Hosts Who has guided my life and protected me from so much worse that could have happened, surrounded me with those who love and pray for me deeply and dearly from no matter what quarter and walk of life...truly, He is with me.
Thank you for your prayers.
Especially Mama, Dri and Arielle, who know somewhat of what's been going on recently in my life.
And I had to laugh when I came home to Ellie's message tonight:
""You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12 <--- I'm praying that this is a reality for you tomorrow, even if it is only a glimpse. Also, it reminds me of The Sound of Music and that musical magically creates smiles from thin-air. "
I had no idea she was praying that over me today.
God is so tender. It just all hangs on the way you look at it.
No, the rain didn't stop when the sky glowed. Sometimes it pelted thicker and sometimes it faded a little. But I was still getting nearer home.
No, the rainbow around the aeroplane didn't stop the heartbreak at the end of the trip. But I was still flying.
The only time you stop changing in life is the time you become like the pond. Stagnant. Green. Algae clogging every part of you.
It's just possible the rain and the heartbreak might be worth it. Especially if they're turning me into a crystal clear river. A river that will reflect the Lord.
Stones get polished through a waterfall, not through lying safely buried under dirt.
Diamonds look most beautiful after being chiselled and shaped thousands of times.
Gems are found in the most unlikely places.
Because after all, you get the glowing sky and the rainbow to remind you on the way of where you want to be. Who you want to be - like. What your goal is - to reflect Christ and to serve others.
And how can I do that if I'm being a rock or a pond or whatever keeps me safe from pain?
Ramble over. Hope it encouraged you somehow. :)
The Lord's there for you. Look for His reflection in the small things, and remember that His mighty Hand is somewhere in the great - even if you can't see for the darkness. <3
In His Love alone,
~Siân
For the first time in two months, I have inexplicable hope in my heart. I'm starting to weakly seek after God again in action, instead of stumbling blindly, hanging off maxims and knowledge and repeating words that ring dusty in my mouth, groping for a truth that I'm too tired to seek.
Satan sure knows the places to shoot the Lord's servants down. Without the shadow of a doubt.
Two months of being shaken and too tired to care. Giving up. The motions were those of moving forwards, when everything in me wanted to sit down in the road, cross my arms and refuse to do. Spiritually, emotionally, I had, and was wondering exactly how long it would be before it became visible to everyone. Spiritual decline is very quickly visible.
The last weekend away at the Lauser family's home in Ireland really...helped. To stop. To look. To listen...to be forcibly embedded in God again. To see a little more than just hanging onto the rainbows. To force myself to want God more than anything, to be willing to make a choice that costs, to know that God counts for more than anything else in my existence. At the same time, I fought a battle of letting go and realising that...my life is truly not my own.
What I want more than anything else in this world is the one thing that would make me truly happy - but at the same time means that, perhaps, I would devote all my time and energy and focus to it. While I currently don't, and haven't in the past, maybe God knew that. Maybe He is supplying lesser to fill the gap enough so that I must still seek Him for the greater.
What God desires is my holiness - my purification. What I desire most in this life is to become like Him and live out for Him. Sometimes my desire for pain to stop drowns that. But God would never force us against our will, though we're often left yelling at Him because it didn't work out as we wanted, only later to discover that it was a perfect and wise choice. We may think it's forcing, but if the ground is not there for His will, He doesn't move. He calls, but He doesn't force.
Meh. Wandering. :P
Scuffling out of work today, feeling terrible with the gaping hole of fear starting to open its hungry jaws again...
Read my Bible on the train this morning through awkwardness...I hate feeling awkward about it! Praying...consistently...openly...talking about everything...I need the lines clear. I tend to cut Him off way too much.
Praying...hoping...with the very consistent and loud fear in my heart/head that He may not answer, that I may have gone too far, I may be at a point where He's pushing me to do the right thing and He's not going to move to help me.
It was raining, but I was singing...music is such a choice to listen to...so many times I don't want to listen to the worship songs...I want to sing/listen to songs that reflect my mood...sometimes that is good, but sometimes I need to change my mood and make myself adore/fall in love with Him again.
"Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God, You are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power..."
I don't need to make Him move for me. I just need to worship Him and trust - yes, blindly - that He will do what He says. I hate blind trusting. I've done it every time and He's never let me down, but I still hate every next step. :D
It seems weird to share it, but He blessed my soul so much through this.
Have you ever been in a situation...a physical one...where the sky seems to lighten around you? The clouds were heavy and the rain thickened, and lifted, and thickened...
But as I looked up at the sky, the entire twenty minutes walk home...the sky seemed alight around me.
Here's some photos, as I tried to capture it...
I hate feeling like an idiot, which I do sharing this, especially as I've been dissed so much for having a relationship with God through emotion, but His presence was so close. I knew I was secure and safe in His Hands...uncertain as I still am of His choice and path in my life.
Truly, the God of angel armies, Who sent His Son to die at Calvary and rise again from the tomb the third day, the Lord of Hosts Who has guided my life and protected me from so much worse that could have happened, surrounded me with those who love and pray for me deeply and dearly from no matter what quarter and walk of life...truly, He is with me.
Thank you for your prayers.
Especially Mama, Dri and Arielle, who know somewhat of what's been going on recently in my life.
And I had to laugh when I came home to Ellie's message tonight:
""You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12 <--- I'm praying that this is a reality for you tomorrow, even if it is only a glimpse. Also, it reminds me of The Sound of Music and that musical magically creates smiles from thin-air. "
I had no idea she was praying that over me today.
God is so tender. It just all hangs on the way you look at it.
No, the rain didn't stop when the sky glowed. Sometimes it pelted thicker and sometimes it faded a little. But I was still getting nearer home.
No, the rainbow around the aeroplane didn't stop the heartbreak at the end of the trip. But I was still flying.
The only time you stop changing in life is the time you become like the pond. Stagnant. Green. Algae clogging every part of you.
It's just possible the rain and the heartbreak might be worth it. Especially if they're turning me into a crystal clear river. A river that will reflect the Lord.
Stones get polished through a waterfall, not through lying safely buried under dirt.
Diamonds look most beautiful after being chiselled and shaped thousands of times.
Gems are found in the most unlikely places.
Because after all, you get the glowing sky and the rainbow to remind you on the way of where you want to be. Who you want to be - like. What your goal is - to reflect Christ and to serve others.
And how can I do that if I'm being a rock or a pond or whatever keeps me safe from pain?
Ramble over. Hope it encouraged you somehow. :)
The Lord's there for you. Look for His reflection in the small things, and remember that His mighty Hand is somewhere in the great - even if you can't see for the darkness. <3
In His Love alone,
~Siân
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)