A Different Path
"Why do you do this for me?"
"What?"
Well...why do you walk me 30 minutes to the train station every night, pay for my ticket and your return ticket, take me home on the train, walk me to my door, then leave, go back to the station and travel right back where you came from, then to take your own bus home and making your journey home over 3 hours longer?
Why do you look into my eyes and tell me that you know I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you?
Why, when I apologised for my clingy t-shirt, did you say it was okay, but please don't wear it outside because other guys would stare and you'd feel like you had to hug me and keep me safe?
Why did you promise marriage before sex?
Why do you spend the time you desperately need to make this university proposal succeed for your future career, studying with me when it's a lot crowded and noisier?
Why do you kiss me and never make a move to touch me inappropriately?
Why do you always put my needs first, try to keep me safe, promise to stay with me and protect me, support me when I'm stumbling, spend three hours in a dress agency just to make me smile and why does it make you happy to see the glow on my face when you tell me I'm beautiful?
Why is this so beautifully simple and what planet did you come from, please?
You say you're a normal guy; I have never met one as kind, unselfish, thoughtful, clever and yes, handsome to boot as you.
~~~
So you guessed it. A guy who had been there for six months walked into my life and turned it upside down. Literally. I now have to find time to study again.
There's one thing. He's not a Christian.
In my very tired soul and broken heart, I'm past the point of caring. The Christian men in my life from day one have been either self-absorbed, abusers, sex-starved, married, over-spiritual, too much theologically different, immature and leaning on me or repressed due to character issues.
I came back from Ireland recently with the faintest glimmer of hope that my past 'relationship' would heal. Based on nothing but hope and faith. A week later, I was doing the usual walk-and-cry to the Father thing. I told Him that I had no strength to carry on. No hope. Only faith in Him, and if He wanted me to carry on another five years, He was going to have to give me the strength.
Then Atul walked into my life. It was unexpected and I freaked out at first. Then prayed. And prayed some more. And...am at peace.
I'm losing friends. Why? Because he doesn't profess Christianity.
And yet, were I to be dating the other guys and answer yes, he's a Christian, everyone would be delighted - with probably the occasional caution of, be careful.
He has more of the attributes a Christian man should have than any other Christian guy I have known, but he won't profess to be a hypocrite - except he will come to church with me and pray with me, because he knows it's important to me and I want to share it with him.
I'm sure there are Godly young men somewhere in this country, in hiding, maybe...or maybe I'm just not good enough for a good Christian man. God knows.
Do I worry for his eternal soul? Heck yes.
My life has been hectic and insane. I cannot miss a soul bond/fellowship I have never known in family, apart from occasionally on visits to other homes. (Yes, with Mom when we talk about spiritual things, but it's different, somehow).
It is impossible to explain exactly how broken I was when he came to me. I was depressed, heading for suicidal depression again for the second time in a month and I was terrified of how dark it was getting. I've stabilised - I don't know how or why.
I prayed, and he came.
I don't know if he's God's answer; I'm praying so much about that.
I'm not in love with him - yet - and he knows it, knows he has to win my heart. But yes, we're intending this for the long haul.
A friend came to me and told me they'd been praying for Atul for a while.
My parents - Mom and step-dad - backed me up and provided the following examples for encouragement.
God wasn't surprised when Naomi and Elimelech disobeyed and went into Moab. He didn't fix the mistake with putting Ruth into Christ's genealogy.
Hosea married Gomer the prostitute on God's command.
Samson married a Philistine woman because of God seeking an occasion against the Philistines (not that...you know what I mean...) and he is in the hall of faith.
Am I making an unwise choice? In the balance of things, no. An unwise choice would have been to stay in any relationship with any of the previous guys.
Is it the best choice? I don't know.
Is it in God's plan? I'll leave it in His Hands. He comes first. He always will. And He will use a donkey when nothing else is available to His purpose.
Why does Atul do those things? Because he loves me. And right now...I need that. I need him. So very much. He's doing what no other man has been able to do - showing me the selfless love God intended, pulling the broken pieces of my heart back together, promising to stay - and keeping it.
And in some crazy way, he says I'm doing that for him too.
I don't know what God's doing.
But I trust Him. And I will keep praying and hoping for His grace, mercy and understanding, which right now is more than my friends can give me. And for that, I am very grateful.
In Him and praying,
Siân
P.S. I'm so very tired tonight...do hope this is readable/understandable. :P
"What?"
Well...why do you walk me 30 minutes to the train station every night, pay for my ticket and your return ticket, take me home on the train, walk me to my door, then leave, go back to the station and travel right back where you came from, then to take your own bus home and making your journey home over 3 hours longer?
Why do you look into my eyes and tell me that you know I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for you?
Why, when I apologised for my clingy t-shirt, did you say it was okay, but please don't wear it outside because other guys would stare and you'd feel like you had to hug me and keep me safe?
Why did you promise marriage before sex?
Why do you spend the time you desperately need to make this university proposal succeed for your future career, studying with me when it's a lot crowded and noisier?
Why do you kiss me and never make a move to touch me inappropriately?
Why do you always put my needs first, try to keep me safe, promise to stay with me and protect me, support me when I'm stumbling, spend three hours in a dress agency just to make me smile and why does it make you happy to see the glow on my face when you tell me I'm beautiful?
Why is this so beautifully simple and what planet did you come from, please?
You say you're a normal guy; I have never met one as kind, unselfish, thoughtful, clever and yes, handsome to boot as you.
~~~
So you guessed it. A guy who had been there for six months walked into my life and turned it upside down. Literally. I now have to find time to study again.
There's one thing. He's not a Christian.
In my very tired soul and broken heart, I'm past the point of caring. The Christian men in my life from day one have been either self-absorbed, abusers, sex-starved, married, over-spiritual, too much theologically different, immature and leaning on me or repressed due to character issues.
I came back from Ireland recently with the faintest glimmer of hope that my past 'relationship' would heal. Based on nothing but hope and faith. A week later, I was doing the usual walk-and-cry to the Father thing. I told Him that I had no strength to carry on. No hope. Only faith in Him, and if He wanted me to carry on another five years, He was going to have to give me the strength.
Then Atul walked into my life. It was unexpected and I freaked out at first. Then prayed. And prayed some more. And...am at peace.
I'm losing friends. Why? Because he doesn't profess Christianity.
And yet, were I to be dating the other guys and answer yes, he's a Christian, everyone would be delighted - with probably the occasional caution of, be careful.
He has more of the attributes a Christian man should have than any other Christian guy I have known, but he won't profess to be a hypocrite - except he will come to church with me and pray with me, because he knows it's important to me and I want to share it with him.
I'm sure there are Godly young men somewhere in this country, in hiding, maybe...or maybe I'm just not good enough for a good Christian man. God knows.
Do I worry for his eternal soul? Heck yes.
My life has been hectic and insane. I cannot miss a soul bond/fellowship I have never known in family, apart from occasionally on visits to other homes. (Yes, with Mom when we talk about spiritual things, but it's different, somehow).
It is impossible to explain exactly how broken I was when he came to me. I was depressed, heading for suicidal depression again for the second time in a month and I was terrified of how dark it was getting. I've stabilised - I don't know how or why.
I prayed, and he came.
I don't know if he's God's answer; I'm praying so much about that.
I'm not in love with him - yet - and he knows it, knows he has to win my heart. But yes, we're intending this for the long haul.
A friend came to me and told me they'd been praying for Atul for a while.
My parents - Mom and step-dad - backed me up and provided the following examples for encouragement.
God wasn't surprised when Naomi and Elimelech disobeyed and went into Moab. He didn't fix the mistake with putting Ruth into Christ's genealogy.
Hosea married Gomer the prostitute on God's command.
Samson married a Philistine woman because of God seeking an occasion against the Philistines (not that...you know what I mean...) and he is in the hall of faith.
Am I making an unwise choice? In the balance of things, no. An unwise choice would have been to stay in any relationship with any of the previous guys.
Is it the best choice? I don't know.
Is it in God's plan? I'll leave it in His Hands. He comes first. He always will. And He will use a donkey when nothing else is available to His purpose.
Why does Atul do those things? Because he loves me. And right now...I need that. I need him. So very much. He's doing what no other man has been able to do - showing me the selfless love God intended, pulling the broken pieces of my heart back together, promising to stay - and keeping it.
And in some crazy way, he says I'm doing that for him too.
I don't know what God's doing.
But I trust Him. And I will keep praying and hoping for His grace, mercy and understanding, which right now is more than my friends can give me. And for that, I am very grateful.
In Him and praying,
Siân
P.S. I'm so very tired tonight...do hope this is readable/understandable. :P
Comments
Post a Comment
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)