Independence Day
I've just got home after a ten and a half hour shift at work. It's 9:30pm and I have to be up at 5:30 in the morning. I've not yet eaten and have a bunch of household chores to tend to before I go to sleep - including packing.
Yet I'm happy. And kinda bouncy. And no, it really doesn't have anything to do with the Mars energy drink - that's just the thing propping my eyelids open invisibly.
So what's so utterly enchanting about the pile of freshly air-dried clothing on the kitchen table - apart from it being one of the best smells on God's earth?
Neither the 10.5 hour shift or the 5:30 rising are normal for me - I've spent the whole week living at my brother's house, both cat-sitting and house-sitting, and now tomorrow I'm off to Preston to spend the weekend with my best friend, Steph.
So why the bouncy? Because this week has proved something. I left home with fears and foreboding looming.
I hadn't cooked a meal in pretty much a year.
I'd never hosted a gathering either of friends or family for a meal.
I'm useless at getting out on time in the mornings.
I'm pretty much a couch potato when I get home in the evenings; I collapse exhausted on the sofa and stay there for the rest of the evening, more often than not.
I have never washed clothes for myself, except under Mom's guidance when she had her operation.
Never organised a day around chores, arranged hanging out with people...
Also, there is the loneliness thing. Being half-introvert, half-extrovert means I cope fine with being away from people for a short period of time - but not for a week. I was terribly afraid of feeling lonely.
In short, I was physically and mentally exhausted. And depressed. Convinced that I couldn't handle life on my own and that I would be thoroughly useless at attempting to do so.
This week has, in short, been glorious in that I have a huge self-confidence boost.
The living with meagre things has never been an issue for me - not since I lived on Sam's (my sister's) floor for three months with Mom and Joseph, when Dad locked us out the house. God taught me a huge lesson then in learning to be content with such things as I have, and gave me a deep appreciation for all that surrounds me that is extra - from clothes to bread to shampoo - that I don't have to borrow and is mine. It is given, and can be taken away, but while it is given, it is an immense blessing to be appreciated.
I haven't done a lot of the stuff I was planning to do. I wanted to catch up on shows (talking of which, I started and am up-to-date with Poldark - that's pretty good! and the new Thunderbirds is awesome ;) ), watch more Doctor Who, clear Facebook, reduce emails, arrange hangouts, chat more, curl up and rest.
And I am MEGA tired. Don't get me wrong. :D
And yes, of course I miss home.
But then...
The daily texts off my brother checking in on me, the daily phone calls with Mom and making sure they were all okay, the daily interaction with my sister and getting to spend time together - it's been such a blessing. I love my family, broken, flawed as they are - as I am. They are a gift from God to me, even when we hurt each other and forget that we're just human and hurt them too.
Highlights I will treasure from this week:
The knowledge that I can, now, live and act independently.
Getting up on time every morning - even if I haven't got to Sam's for exactly 6:30, it's not been far off either side.
Cooking meals
Planning a day ahead, knowing what needs to be done when
Washing my clothes
Getting into a routine of living
Money monitoring
Saturday: Washing my hair, running down the shop to buy food, spending the whole afternoon with Sam, Darren, Ayanna, Marian and her family on Saturday...that was really special for me. Thank you for that, Sam for arranging it and taking me, Marian for letting me come, Darren for driving, Ed for cooking, Ayanna for giving me so much demanding fun...and nursing practice...
Sunday: Getting to the bus stop and onto the bus for 7:12, to reach the station at 7:45 and realise there was no train until 9:08...altering plans to go back home...thank you, Mom, for giving me a lift into church, for feeding me and driving me back here - I really appreciate that! - my sister calling to check on me and chat...McDonalds breakfast - haha! - getting to church on Easter Sunday and watching Jesus of Nazareth in the afternoon - being able to call my twin to apologise to him for being mean and chatting about his day...
Monday: Going to the cinema with Sam, Darren and Ayanna to watch Cinderella - thanks for allowing me to come and for the fun we had - oh, and thank you, Sam, for finding the last creme egg in store for me to eat!
The photoshoot with Chris in the afternoon...getting to cheer him up...buying batteries and big tubs of icecream and sitting on top of the Beacon, watching the sunset as we ate it...
Finishing up Poldark in the evening. :P
Tuesday: Hehe...what good to say about the first day back at work! Except that I love my job, getting to drive into work with my sister in the mornings has been a huge blessing, both in quality time and in actually starting work early to get more done, as this week has been so heavily pressured...
Dropping in to spend time with Ayanna on the way home from work as she went to bed...
Watching The Hunger Games...
Wednesday: Remembering to take the cheesecake out of the freezer, getting to talk about Christ and heaven with Sam...the wonderful coffees she makes first thing in the morning...coming in from work and being able to cook a tasty meal for (thankfully late!) guests (thanks for that!) including a dessert, decorated table, and a film together afterwards...
And starting the washing. And Mom helping me with the dishwasher. And stuff. :D
Thursday: Today...haha...today is my last day. I've just brought the fresh-smelling washing in, and now it's 10pm and I have to pack, clean the house, clean out the cats' litter...eat tea - I keep forgetting that one... ;)
Today has been such a blessing; making two new friends while training them, so thankful for Jasmine's help with coding and a good manager to redistribute a heavy workload, remembering during the middle of raging over a twice-returned project to "do all things without grumbling and complaining", thankful for Atul and Kwesi making the overtime so easy and passing so quickly, thankful for getting to speak to Ash's baby daughter on the phone, even if she did go all shy on me...checking in with Mom tonight...
And you know what, I'm pretty sure it gets routine. Maybe like the adventure of boarding a plane, if it happens every day...or like any part of living. But it's new for me, and I can see the small things and it's so rewarding.
I know I can _live_ and _be thankful_ and _be joyful_.
I know I can live _alone_ and _it's not going to cause something to die inside me_. I feared what must happen later in life when the parents pass away, so much. And now I know my joy does not depend on my not being alone, because with God, family and friends, I am never alone.
And this week, I've been so blessed to remember that.
I hope and pray it's brought me closer to the Father, in some ways. And a step closer to healing.
In Him,
Ever yours,
Siân
Yet I'm happy. And kinda bouncy. And no, it really doesn't have anything to do with the Mars energy drink - that's just the thing propping my eyelids open invisibly.
So what's so utterly enchanting about the pile of freshly air-dried clothing on the kitchen table - apart from it being one of the best smells on God's earth?
Neither the 10.5 hour shift or the 5:30 rising are normal for me - I've spent the whole week living at my brother's house, both cat-sitting and house-sitting, and now tomorrow I'm off to Preston to spend the weekend with my best friend, Steph.
So why the bouncy? Because this week has proved something. I left home with fears and foreboding looming.
I hadn't cooked a meal in pretty much a year.
I'd never hosted a gathering either of friends or family for a meal.
I'm useless at getting out on time in the mornings.
I'm pretty much a couch potato when I get home in the evenings; I collapse exhausted on the sofa and stay there for the rest of the evening, more often than not.
I have never washed clothes for myself, except under Mom's guidance when she had her operation.
Never organised a day around chores, arranged hanging out with people...
Also, there is the loneliness thing. Being half-introvert, half-extrovert means I cope fine with being away from people for a short period of time - but not for a week. I was terribly afraid of feeling lonely.
In short, I was physically and mentally exhausted. And depressed. Convinced that I couldn't handle life on my own and that I would be thoroughly useless at attempting to do so.
This week has, in short, been glorious in that I have a huge self-confidence boost.
The living with meagre things has never been an issue for me - not since I lived on Sam's (my sister's) floor for three months with Mom and Joseph, when Dad locked us out the house. God taught me a huge lesson then in learning to be content with such things as I have, and gave me a deep appreciation for all that surrounds me that is extra - from clothes to bread to shampoo - that I don't have to borrow and is mine. It is given, and can be taken away, but while it is given, it is an immense blessing to be appreciated.
I haven't done a lot of the stuff I was planning to do. I wanted to catch up on shows (talking of which, I started and am up-to-date with Poldark - that's pretty good! and the new Thunderbirds is awesome ;) ), watch more Doctor Who, clear Facebook, reduce emails, arrange hangouts, chat more, curl up and rest.
And I am MEGA tired. Don't get me wrong. :D
And yes, of course I miss home.
But then...
The daily texts off my brother checking in on me, the daily phone calls with Mom and making sure they were all okay, the daily interaction with my sister and getting to spend time together - it's been such a blessing. I love my family, broken, flawed as they are - as I am. They are a gift from God to me, even when we hurt each other and forget that we're just human and hurt them too.
Highlights I will treasure from this week:
The knowledge that I can, now, live and act independently.
Getting up on time every morning - even if I haven't got to Sam's for exactly 6:30, it's not been far off either side.
Cooking meals
Planning a day ahead, knowing what needs to be done when
Washing my clothes
Getting into a routine of living
Money monitoring
Saturday: Washing my hair, running down the shop to buy food, spending the whole afternoon with Sam, Darren, Ayanna, Marian and her family on Saturday...that was really special for me. Thank you for that, Sam for arranging it and taking me, Marian for letting me come, Darren for driving, Ed for cooking, Ayanna for giving me so much demanding fun...and nursing practice...
Sunday: Getting to the bus stop and onto the bus for 7:12, to reach the station at 7:45 and realise there was no train until 9:08...altering plans to go back home...thank you, Mom, for giving me a lift into church, for feeding me and driving me back here - I really appreciate that! - my sister calling to check on me and chat...McDonalds breakfast - haha! - getting to church on Easter Sunday and watching Jesus of Nazareth in the afternoon - being able to call my twin to apologise to him for being mean and chatting about his day...
Monday: Going to the cinema with Sam, Darren and Ayanna to watch Cinderella - thanks for allowing me to come and for the fun we had - oh, and thank you, Sam, for finding the last creme egg in store for me to eat!
The photoshoot with Chris in the afternoon...getting to cheer him up...buying batteries and big tubs of icecream and sitting on top of the Beacon, watching the sunset as we ate it...
Finishing up Poldark in the evening. :P
Tuesday: Hehe...what good to say about the first day back at work! Except that I love my job, getting to drive into work with my sister in the mornings has been a huge blessing, both in quality time and in actually starting work early to get more done, as this week has been so heavily pressured...
Dropping in to spend time with Ayanna on the way home from work as she went to bed...
Watching The Hunger Games...
Wednesday: Remembering to take the cheesecake out of the freezer, getting to talk about Christ and heaven with Sam...the wonderful coffees she makes first thing in the morning...coming in from work and being able to cook a tasty meal for (thankfully late!) guests (thanks for that!) including a dessert, decorated table, and a film together afterwards...
And starting the washing. And Mom helping me with the dishwasher. And stuff. :D
Thursday: Today...haha...today is my last day. I've just brought the fresh-smelling washing in, and now it's 10pm and I have to pack, clean the house, clean out the cats' litter...eat tea - I keep forgetting that one... ;)
Today has been such a blessing; making two new friends while training them, so thankful for Jasmine's help with coding and a good manager to redistribute a heavy workload, remembering during the middle of raging over a twice-returned project to "do all things without grumbling and complaining", thankful for Atul and Kwesi making the overtime so easy and passing so quickly, thankful for getting to speak to Ash's baby daughter on the phone, even if she did go all shy on me...checking in with Mom tonight...
And you know what, I'm pretty sure it gets routine. Maybe like the adventure of boarding a plane, if it happens every day...or like any part of living. But it's new for me, and I can see the small things and it's so rewarding.
I know I can _live_ and _be thankful_ and _be joyful_.
I know I can live _alone_ and _it's not going to cause something to die inside me_. I feared what must happen later in life when the parents pass away, so much. And now I know my joy does not depend on my not being alone, because with God, family and friends, I am never alone.
And this week, I've been so blessed to remember that.
I hope and pray it's brought me closer to the Father, in some ways. And a step closer to healing.
In Him,
Ever yours,
Siân
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)