Striking a Deal with God

Suddenly, the realisation struck me that to gain a kind of peace of heart, I have made a compromise, and not a complete surrender to God of my life.

When I made the apology to Jay and Kyle over attacking marriage (because I have done so, using arguments I knew were wrong to forge a defensive/aggressive position, as I felt threatened), I said I was sorry for doing it because I'd realised that my strength for singleness must come from a reliance on God, not by attacking the opposing view. And I definitely felt happier after apologising for it.

The compromise is that I seem to have come to a point of "making deals" with God. Of all things. "I'll apologise and stand up for the majority of marriage, if You leave me alone and help me be single and carry on my life the way that I'm comfortable with it going," sort of thing.

That doesn't mean I don't feel I have a call on my life to enter the Royal Air Force and to serve God and serve my country in doing so - both things which I feel very, very, very passionately about. It simply means I close my eyes to any other things which I feel may pull me away from this...even if I'm not happy closing them.

I'm still not certain as to whether it was a definite call. I think it was. But then, why am I so defiant as to other options? Why can't I calmly accept God's will and go forward? Can He not grant me the grace? Isn't it sin that attempts to pull me away from the call?

Part of the reason I deny complete surrender, (which I technically could give even while continuing to aim for the RAF, leaving options open; it's just that then I have no security or certainty) is because I am scared STIFF of being forced to get married and being forced to work with mentally disabled people that means I will end up living the rest of my life like I've lived the first 18 years. With pressure, tension, stress, broken people, aggression and violence. Selfish? I know. But I wish you knew how scared I am of it.

Striking a deal with God. Compromising on allowing Him control in my life. NOT a good idea. But I'm too terrified of the alternative to let go completely.



If only I could. Why can't I? Why can't you? Why can't we?

~ Janie

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