Soap for Jesus

I came home thoroughly discouraged today. I really get that doctors want to work normal hours too. But when you leave work late after a very bad day, practically run to the train on a wrenched ankle, have to buy a ticket only to miss the darn thing by twenty seconds, run back upstairs to the tram, have to work out which one is fastest, head back down to the train which will get you to the station right at your appointment time, have to upset your mom’s evening plans to request a lift so you can get there as fast as possible, upset your husband, and call the doctors to tell them you’ll be five minutes late for them to tell you they’ll leave a note for the nurse but you might have to rebook, they could be a little more forgiving. Also. They could allow you to buy tickets at the gate instead of having to rush halfway up the station. Also. The train was late by ten minutes and my poor Mom, who had to be in Newcastle-under-Lyme for 7:30, was delayed by a good twenty minutes without a w...

It's been a while since I've been really vulnerable, really visible about what's going on in my life. For all my passion for openness and vulnerability about our struggles, I'm scared of sharing. I'm scared of people using them against me. I'm scared. It's fear that keeps me prisoner. Fear that becomes fact, but that's not the point. I don't make a difference if I hide in my fears; it's what so many others do and it's never going to break the mould if I carry on doing it. It doesn't encourage others to break their mould and find freedom in being their ugly, beautiful, broken, imperfectly perfect selves. It doesn't leave a place where they know they can be imperfect and free, broken and not judged; it doesn't leave a place where people can be loved like Jesus loves them. I know people hate "Love the sinner, hate the sin," but it's true. Jesus said, "Go and sin no more" to the adulteress, to Mary wiping ...

There's three things you can do when consistently depressed. You can be it, and take everything around you down with it. You can do yourself in, and hurt everyone around you. Or you can figure out the problem, and get on with it. I've been noticing more and more issues with myself recently - just come back from an energising walk and was thinking on the way back. Don't even want to write this blog post, because it means addressing the issues and a major part of me doesn't want to. I'd rather just sit down, look at things and think, I make everyone around me depressed. I am depressed. I'm always so tired - emotionally, if not physically - and I don't want to do anything. I like doing things that give me a buzz. I just went out and got some shopping in. And thought, shall I buy myself a frozen meal cause I really don't want to spend the time cooking tonight. I'm tired. I just want to sit down with a movie and nothing else. No contact. I take pho...

I had a breakdown this week, probably due to exhaustion. It wasn't pretty. Atul and I are working really hard right now to try and get our house within the time limits imposed by lenders and visas and money. Love that last. It's a pain in the neck. I walked from work on Tuesday evening to get a hug from my husband at his workplace (he was on night shift). As soon as he put his arms around me, I started crying - and didn't stop for an hour. Then on and off for the next day. Took a half sick day off work. Ugh. Since my marriage, I haven't seen much of my friends. And even less and less, I've been drifting offline. Well, apart from playing Farmville or watching Netflix. Part of me is guilty for abandoning people. Part of me thinks I can't handle staying with people. Why? I had a dear friend once. Someone I adopted as a daughter. And a mutual friend betrayed her and me. When I had helped her get out of the mess, I drifted away because I was cracking and ...

Once upon a time is how all good stories begin. Ours began with a baby boy named Atul, who was born in 1989 to a loving couple in Jamalpur, India. Three years later, halfway around the world, the other half of our story was born - a little girl named Siân, born in 1992 in Walsall, United Kingdom. Atul and Siân both had happy childhoods. When Atul was 9, he moved to a Scottish missionary boarding school. Life was hard and strict; he only saw his parents once a year. In an environment full of boys, young Atul grew mature at a very early age. Siân, on the other hand, was homeschooled alongside her twin brother. Atul graduated from school and went to college, where he met some of his lifelong friends. He studied in Bangalore and became a coding engineer before deciding to go abroad and take a Master's degree. First he tried Canada, but for some unknown reason, they rejected his application. Atul gave up. His dad didn't; he applied for a UK visa for him, which was accepted....

Once I thought I was going to do something big, not change the world, but make a mark on it for the good. Then I mucked up. Then I struggled back with the marks and the stains and the scars. Then I got married. Then I realised that my life was going to consist of losing/distancing friends, working incessantly, budgeting like crazy, a few hard-clung-to times with my new husband while realising more and more that family and parents are getting older, bigger, growing, moving on. There are new goals in life - saving money, buying a house, having kids. Social life reduces down to a few shared news articles, playing a few e-games people tag you in, and sharing other people's posts. Any significant news in your life may not want to be shared by another person, so you leave it in the quiet. People 'like' or 'read' your news in decreasing numbers. Your impact on life is minimal. And your days march on. I like change. Within a controlled or known measure. I don...

I apply the last bit of mascara and blink. There. Perfect. Only wearing mascara today because, with blonde lashes, I look bald without it. My husband prefers no makeup on me, because he says I'm beautiful with and without, so I'm trying to accept myself without, spots and blotchy skin and all. I'm about to leave the house in half an hour to go and meet him after work. He finishes at 4, and then I'm going to talk him into an evening walk in the park with me before we go home. Ever the romantic! Plus, it's healthy, and it's Autumn. Haha! One of my favourite months. I did something today. I've been changing a lot recently. Marriage is a great changer of people. Especially when compared often with the relationship of Christ and His church. Today, I made a plan and ditched it. Ever since my life messed up five, almost six years ago, I've had a passionate fondness of plans. Order. KNOWING what is going to happen. Living in a situation where you don't...