From Depression to Victory
There's three things you can do when consistently depressed.
You can be it, and take everything around you down with it.
You can do yourself in, and hurt everyone around you.
Or you can figure out the problem, and get on with it.
I've been noticing more and more issues with myself recently - just come back from an energising walk and was thinking on the way back. Don't even want to write this blog post, because it means addressing the issues and a major part of me doesn't want to. I'd rather just sit down, look at things and think, I make everyone around me depressed. I am depressed. I'm always so tired - emotionally, if not physically - and I don't want to do anything.
I like doing things that give me a buzz. I just went out and got some shopping in. And thought, shall I buy myself a frozen meal cause I really don't want to spend the time cooking tonight. I'm tired. I just want to sit down with a movie and nothing else. No contact.
I take phone calls, but I don't make them. I answer chats and texts, but I don't start them. I'm a far cry from the girl who was abounding with energy, vitality and curiosity about life and humanity not even ten years ago. I loved people. I wanted to help them. And now...I just don't want to be around people. Well, part of me still does. Part of me still loves humans. Part of me doesn't trust them, doesn't want to be around them, doesn't want to do anything apart from huddle up, in a chair, with a movie, and lose myself in a story - but not one I wrote.
I can partially blame the group that kicked me out and the guy who left (though the latter, I don't - maybe I should) for the way I've become. But I can't for all of it. I'm choosing this...this path of least pain that leads to long pain and more pain - not just for me, but for those I love.
I look around the house and yes, while I start to develop into a housewife when I'm at home for a long period and when on holiday, I love unpacking and putting everything straight, on a working week, catch me doing anything productive on a Saturday and Sunday. Nah, it's a comfy chair, a movie, a couple of snacks. I begrudge spending the time cooking or cleaning. I live in a house that's often untidy and a week's worth of piled dishes and I'm like, meh, that's what I'm like. I suck. I'm valueless. I haven't got the energy. I'm too tired. Life's just going too fast. I make everyone's life a misery.
Mememe. III.
Problem is, when I do break out the cycle to try and be who I used to be, deep down who I want to be, I end up so. Fricking. Tired.
Wish I understood this.
Now I just need to work out a way to break free.
A way that doesn't involve making one small difference to watch it just become untidy/dirty again.
How do I do this?
I don't know.
But for now, I'm going to wrap this up, grab my cherry bakewell and apple juice, curl up in the chair, watch an episode of The Crown, go unpack the shopping, cook my meal, cook the waffles, wash up, change the bed, start the washing and see what else I can do. Before bed.
And another weekend over.
Unproductive.
Unliving.
What has happened?________________________________________________________________
It's been a while since I wrote this.
My house is still a mess.
I'm still tired.
And I'm still reaching for the stars.
Because I went to a conference in February, called The Sword of the Spirit Conference.
God used every session to speak to my heart.
From living in defeat, from living in shame and fear of my sin and fear and pain of rejection.
One key message I carried away from the conference is "I have only One to please, and it's not you."
Christ first and foremost is now my goal.
My sins still haunt me.
But as I stated on Facebook on March 3rd:
'I have sinned very badly in my past.
I have repented and cried over it over and over again.
I had a screwed up life to start with and I let it affect my choices.
Now God is making all things new.
But I have been letting the guilt and the shame hold me down for so long and I’m scared to do anything to make a difference or stand up in case that past follows me there.
But God forgave me. I keep asking Him for forgiveness for something He already forgave me for over 2000 years ago.
Before I even sinned.
I have carried the pain from rejection in 2013 with me almost every day of my life since. It’s a burden possibly from my sin - I don’t know, as I was judged and rejected without ever being told why.
But I think it’s time to face that and move on.
To ask forgiveness from those I sinned with and against in my past.
To forgive myself. To stop hiding in shame and fear and to accept what’s coming.
I made my bed. If someday I have to take the shame of it in this life, then fair enough. I know in my heart that I am forgiven it all.
And to move forward into a future owning it, and owning how God has used my screwed up youth for His glory, in spite of me.'
I am no longer ashamed, cautious and fearful of proclaiming myself as a Christian and aligning myself with the viewpoints that so many despise.
I do not have to hate to do this.
Because, you see, something major has happened.
Jesus Christ, God Almighty, lives in me.
He DIED FOR MY SINS.
And that knowledge...has somehow sparked alive.
It's raised my eyes from my problems, my frustrations, my fears - from the ground to the Cross.
Watching God move majorly in my family's lives over the past month has left me shaking my head with my jaw dropped. I wish I could tell you about it. I do. But I know that the three prayers of my heart, for each 'New Year Resolution' of the last few years, are being answered. In front of my eyes.
Sure, rejection still hurts.
Bad.
My sins still shame me.
But if the God Who created the universe loves me - why am I so hurt?
If the God Who took the penalty of the curse of all creation for me lives in my heart - why am I hiding and afraid?
I can take steps forward, in His Name. He has made me new.
I don't have to live the rest of my life cowering in fear, because that is where Satan wants me hiding.
A hiding soldier is about as useful as a dead soldier.
Look at 1 Samuel 17 for a good example of that. Goliath came and the Israelites were like, Whoa, no one can beat THAT. He's huge. He's tall. He has an army. We'll be slaves. Let's play stalemate and wait for God to deliver us.
Instead of stepping out in faith to face the giant.
Sometimes sitting at home waiting for God to move in my messes and fix my problems isn't good. Not when the answer is in my control. To work hard and to pray hard. To give to Him what is beyond my control and to act in faith on what is in my control.
The problem is when we turn inwards, look down at our messes and look in at our fear. We are hiding behind a black wall of our own creation.
In Christ is freedom.
He is the Way.
He is the Truth.
He is the Life.
And - I'm not saying it, He has said it, and I don't just believe it, I know it to be true - 'no man comes to the Father except through' Him. (John 14:6)
To be rid of shame.
To be rid of guilt.
To be rid of fear.
To be rid of sin.
You can be it, and take everything around you down with it.
You can do yourself in, and hurt everyone around you.
Or you can figure out the problem, and get on with it.
I've been noticing more and more issues with myself recently - just come back from an energising walk and was thinking on the way back. Don't even want to write this blog post, because it means addressing the issues and a major part of me doesn't want to. I'd rather just sit down, look at things and think, I make everyone around me depressed. I am depressed. I'm always so tired - emotionally, if not physically - and I don't want to do anything.
I like doing things that give me a buzz. I just went out and got some shopping in. And thought, shall I buy myself a frozen meal cause I really don't want to spend the time cooking tonight. I'm tired. I just want to sit down with a movie and nothing else. No contact.
I take phone calls, but I don't make them. I answer chats and texts, but I don't start them. I'm a far cry from the girl who was abounding with energy, vitality and curiosity about life and humanity not even ten years ago. I loved people. I wanted to help them. And now...I just don't want to be around people. Well, part of me still does. Part of me still loves humans. Part of me doesn't trust them, doesn't want to be around them, doesn't want to do anything apart from huddle up, in a chair, with a movie, and lose myself in a story - but not one I wrote.
I can partially blame the group that kicked me out and the guy who left (though the latter, I don't - maybe I should) for the way I've become. But I can't for all of it. I'm choosing this...this path of least pain that leads to long pain and more pain - not just for me, but for those I love.
I look around the house and yes, while I start to develop into a housewife when I'm at home for a long period and when on holiday, I love unpacking and putting everything straight, on a working week, catch me doing anything productive on a Saturday and Sunday. Nah, it's a comfy chair, a movie, a couple of snacks. I begrudge spending the time cooking or cleaning. I live in a house that's often untidy and a week's worth of piled dishes and I'm like, meh, that's what I'm like. I suck. I'm valueless. I haven't got the energy. I'm too tired. Life's just going too fast. I make everyone's life a misery.
Mememe. III.
Problem is, when I do break out the cycle to try and be who I used to be, deep down who I want to be, I end up so. Fricking. Tired.
Wish I understood this.
Now I just need to work out a way to break free.
A way that doesn't involve making one small difference to watch it just become untidy/dirty again.
How do I do this?
I don't know.
But for now, I'm going to wrap this up, grab my cherry bakewell and apple juice, curl up in the chair, watch an episode of The Crown, go unpack the shopping, cook my meal, cook the waffles, wash up, change the bed, start the washing and see what else I can do. Before bed.
And another weekend over.
Unproductive.
Unliving.
What has happened?________________________________________________________________
It's been a while since I wrote this.
My house is still a mess.
I'm still tired.
And I'm still reaching for the stars.
Because I went to a conference in February, called The Sword of the Spirit Conference.
God used every session to speak to my heart.
From living in defeat, from living in shame and fear of my sin and fear and pain of rejection.
One key message I carried away from the conference is "I have only One to please, and it's not you."
Christ first and foremost is now my goal.
My sins still haunt me.
But as I stated on Facebook on March 3rd:
'I have sinned very badly in my past.
I have repented and cried over it over and over again.
I had a screwed up life to start with and I let it affect my choices.
Now God is making all things new.
But I have been letting the guilt and the shame hold me down for so long and I’m scared to do anything to make a difference or stand up in case that past follows me there.
But God forgave me. I keep asking Him for forgiveness for something He already forgave me for over 2000 years ago.
Before I even sinned.
I have carried the pain from rejection in 2013 with me almost every day of my life since. It’s a burden possibly from my sin - I don’t know, as I was judged and rejected without ever being told why.
But I think it’s time to face that and move on.
To ask forgiveness from those I sinned with and against in my past.
To forgive myself. To stop hiding in shame and fear and to accept what’s coming.
I made my bed. If someday I have to take the shame of it in this life, then fair enough. I know in my heart that I am forgiven it all.
And to move forward into a future owning it, and owning how God has used my screwed up youth for His glory, in spite of me.'
I am no longer ashamed, cautious and fearful of proclaiming myself as a Christian and aligning myself with the viewpoints that so many despise.
I do not have to hate to do this.
Because, you see, something major has happened.
Jesus Christ, God Almighty, lives in me.
He DIED FOR MY SINS.
And that knowledge...has somehow sparked alive.
It's raised my eyes from my problems, my frustrations, my fears - from the ground to the Cross.
Watching God move majorly in my family's lives over the past month has left me shaking my head with my jaw dropped. I wish I could tell you about it. I do. But I know that the three prayers of my heart, for each 'New Year Resolution' of the last few years, are being answered. In front of my eyes.
Sure, rejection still hurts.
Bad.
My sins still shame me.
But if the God Who created the universe loves me - why am I so hurt?
If the God Who took the penalty of the curse of all creation for me lives in my heart - why am I hiding and afraid?
I can take steps forward, in His Name. He has made me new.
I don't have to live the rest of my life cowering in fear, because that is where Satan wants me hiding.
A hiding soldier is about as useful as a dead soldier.
Look at 1 Samuel 17 for a good example of that. Goliath came and the Israelites were like, Whoa, no one can beat THAT. He's huge. He's tall. He has an army. We'll be slaves. Let's play stalemate and wait for God to deliver us.
Instead of stepping out in faith to face the giant.
Sometimes sitting at home waiting for God to move in my messes and fix my problems isn't good. Not when the answer is in my control. To work hard and to pray hard. To give to Him what is beyond my control and to act in faith on what is in my control.
The problem is when we turn inwards, look down at our messes and look in at our fear. We are hiding behind a black wall of our own creation.
In Christ is freedom.
He is the Way.
He is the Truth.
He is the Life.
And - I'm not saying it, He has said it, and I don't just believe it, I know it to be true - 'no man comes to the Father except through' Him. (John 14:6)
To be rid of shame.
To be rid of guilt.
To be rid of fear.
To be rid of sin.
Comments
Post a Comment
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)