Stone Cold Anger

I'm angry. Stone cold angry.
My temper is one of the worst things I own. You know the phrase see red? Well, I literally see it.
Another well known one is don't mess with a red head. There's a reason for that.

It's caused me to flare out in tempestuous ferocity in defense of those I love and end at least one friendship terribly; one lifelong regret and a source of no ending trouble for me since.

Last night I got confirmation of something I had suspected for a long while from the freezing out I'd received from several people I genuinely liked.
My respect for them is now below zero.

What it was is not important. Why I will deal with, because as little as I expect them to read this, I want it out there in case they do.

And my anger is cold. Which is half a good thing and half a bad...good because it means I'm not flapping angrily. Bad because it's a cold fury and will therefore be the cynical, sarcastic side of me.


The main two complaints, as I understand them, are that I think I'm so wise and that I'm everybody's saviour, and that I cause problems when I try to help people.

Response to one: I hear it constantly. And I'd just like to say something. I have often professed that I am arrogant. Does that surprise you? Probably. You know why? Cause I only admit my faults to people I trust. And obviously, you aren't one of them. Sometimes I'll admit it to strangers. But it's usually only perfect strangers or people I trust unreservedly, and those are markedly few.

Perhaps I didn't trust you, but I did respect you. Throughout several reports that have filtered back to me of your backbiting in the past. Sometimes I tried to put it right, sometimes I just left it, thinking God would defend me. I still think He will, eventually, even if it's only on Judgement Day; possibly is even now.

But that's not enough to stop me posting this. Why? Because I want you to know something. I no longer respect you. And do you know what it means to drag that from me? A lot. Because I try - blamed as I've been for it and as much as I've been warned, from home to my boss at work to be more wary - to see the best in people. Even when there's not a lot of good to see. I try to see something...something worthy of respect.

But you know, it means nothing to me when your life is all respectable and your actions are not. Your position in life or in relation with those we mutually associate with means nothing to me. I find that your backbiting behind the scenes to people who barely or don't know me and discussions about me behind my back utterly and completely contemptible.

Oh...and don't forget. I haven't forgot some of you who backbit to me about the very people you're cosy with now. I haven't forgotten how you came back to me only when you had a problem with them. I never said it, because I was trying to see the good that IS there in you. But your behaviour disgusts me.

Probably my lack of respect means nothing to you. Oh good. Then it doesn't bother either of us.


Response to two will kind of end part one and absorb two: I do not think I'm everyone's saviour. WOW. I've just managed to shock you again, hopefully. (Aren't I arrogant? ;) )
I think that there are one hell of a lot of hurting people out there. I think that there are very few people trying to help them. And do you know what? I'm one of them. One of the hurting. And the reason I try to help them is because I know hope. Through Christ. And I know where they've been, to some degree. If I don't know exactly where they've been, I try to listen - and there are many people who would willingly step forward and testify to that. I don't care to call them.
And instead of standing on the side backbiting me for trying to help, you could be trying to support and pray for me.
The reason I hurt other people is because I'm hurting and I don't trust. I really. Massively. Have problems with trust. Even with trusting God. I do not trust men. And I don't trust a lot more people now, thanks to you guys.
So sometimes, I have a bad day, and it comes out in what I do and say.

There are two cases where I've damaged people deliberately, and both have seared my memory. I've apologised to both. Apparently one apology was not accepted, as post-apology actions have proved. (And just for your attention, greeting me and holding a four sentence conversation does not prove you've forgiven me. Got it? Not backbiting me would be the way to do that.)

I do not excuse myself from hurting these people. It is a source of huge regret to me.
I do not apologise for hurting people in an attempt to heal them. Sometimes wounds need to bleed to scab.
I do apologise to those I have hurt unintentionally when trying to help. Sometimes I want to help and I don't know how, and the awkwardness makes it hard. Especially when I'm afraid - yes, afraid - of how you'll take it.

One of you complained that I only care about people when they're injured. That I pull away when I can't help any more.
I can't heal you. I'm struggling to heal myself.
All I can do, all I want to do, all I try to do - is be there when you cry, hold you, listen to you, pray for you, love you, point you over and over to Christ, tell you what He's done. Even this blog was a purpose for that - to encourage people and point them to Christ as they watch His moving in my life. Which apparently has been translated into "Sian thinks she knows everything." I just wanted to be there. Always. When you need someone to listen. Most people picked up the balance - that I have a life outside of this, that I have a job and a family and already put way too much time into the internet (something else which you condemn me for, I'm sure) - and chat to me when they need to talk, accept they can't when I can't, post messages for me to respond to when I can. I'm sorry some of you can't accept that. It's pretty hard internationally when you don't want to use Twitter's DMing system and I can't be there for phone calls and chats when you need.
But I do want to be there, as much as I can, because that's what I needed someone to be for me.

You know my best friends? Wonder how they got there? They were always there, pointing out things lovingly when reproof was needed but without shoving me under a steamroller or knifing me in the back. And I love them so much and wonder why they stick by me and I can't repay them.

People like Brendan Hanley and Kyle Johnston - managing college, jobs and hectic lives volunteering, helping other people - they are there, and they care, If I shoot them a grief torn message or a desperate plea for a hug or for prayer they respond as quickly as they can.
People like Jay - reaching out from prison in spite of the difficulties.
People like Mama Lauser, who has been a second mother to me in love, affection and in Christ - she has eight children and finds time to message me every other day, just to tell me she loves me and to keep my eyes on Christ.
People like Hana - brother in heart, sending me Scriptures or encouraging notes or loving rebukes.
People like Kristin - her life so packed out with preparing for missions, massive school and college prep, but she sends an email every time she can.
Rachel - married and holding down a job.
Yani - further time gap than most of my best friends.

These are just some of my best friends, but if you want to know what makes them my best friends, it's this. Unconditional love. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Lives. It.
They are the reasons God put in my life to keep me going. The reasons I am alive.

And that is what I want to try and do. What I want to try and emulate. They're humble. They probably are squirming while reading this and wondering what I see in them. Heh.
And they care.


Note 1: I know people who I have actually damaged. Like, spiritually and emotionally. And you know something? They still talk to me. Still trust me. Still love me. Have actually gone through it with me. Pulled away for a while. I apologised. Worked through it with me. And they still love me. Not your pathetic little kind of charity Christian love. Oh we love her but let's avoid her because she's dangerous.
They've stayed. And they haven't backbitten me.
And they have more right to than any of you. I've hurt them in ways you probably haven't even imagined.
Thank you, Kiehl Gatley. Thank you for being you, and so Godly and humble that when you heard me putting this in, you said, "But that was just a misunderstanding."

Did any of you come to me like that? Or did you start going around and spreading the poison without thinking twice?

James 3:5 - So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!


Yes. A lot of this post can be directed at me. But have you even tried?
The little and pathetic reaching out I've tried to do - I've known most of you have problems with me for several months even before the confirmation, because you spurned it, and I watched you do it. Maybe you thought I wouldn't notice, but I did.

I'm hard on myself. More than you know. Possibly why I'm defensive a lot, unless you're someone I trust - which is DEFINITELY no one this is addressed to. If I trust you, I'm more likely to consider your opinion or what you say - unless you're my Mom or the guy I love. And then any negative word cuts really deep.

Therefore, little of what's come out hurts me externally. You want to know why I sobbed myself to sleep last night and was closer to doing something stupid than I've been for weeks? Not because of what you've said. Though words sting enough.
Because of the way you said it.
You sniped at people's trust.
You found others who had doubts and said, yes, we know what she's like and you're best to steer clear of her.
You never came to me and talked to me.
You believed the people you wanted to believe.
And those of you that may have previously said something, decided that since I didn't seem to listen to you - as previously stated, I don't unless you're my Mom, the guy I love or someone I trust - you'd go sniping me behind my back.


Even now, my twisted little head says not to post this.
Because 1) I know how I would feel if this post were levelled at me.
2) Because it is likely to hurt the people who are actually tender-hearted and blame themselves for things.
3) Because the people it's aimed at are likely to find something to hide behind and throw a rock back at my head. Not to my face. Obviously.

How about dropping your rocks? Christ said for him who is without sin to cast the first stone.

But that would probably be too hard.

So therefore, I'm going to close with this little reminder.

There's a saying, "forgive and forget."
I will and have and can forgive you, once my anger is over and I've repented for it. (It keeps coming and going. Most of the time I'm telling myself that you're all right and I'm worthless - which is, I'm sure, the intended effect.)

Forgiveness for me is simple. I don't hate you. I hold no grudge against you. I am not plotting revenge. I've said all I want to say now.
And now I will forget you.
But for the pinpricks that you put in my life from time to time - and I know they will come - and the memories will hurt - I do not trust you, I do not respect you and I have nothing to say to you.

To finish with a nice little quote from Ever After: "I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment, and never think of you again."

Unfortunately not quite accurate, but it will do.

~Siân Jones~