Long Time No Speakie
It's a good thing I have hardly any followers, considering the amount of time I spend blogging! (Aka, 0.5!)
Got a long run with the Sqn tomorrow, skipping a dedication of a baby (I don't really know the family anyway) to go out with the Squadron on the afternoon. I feel guilty due to my strong stand against Sunday events. But it's a break from Jose. And I have no conscience about it. Apart from the guilt against what used to be.
Dad and I had a blazing row about it this morning...seriously. At least Mom's supportive.
I miss the Boss. So much. The CO's mad at me 'cause I asked the Boss to Sgt. L's 18th surprise birthday party...and figured he'd stop it if he knew, so only told him two hours before the Boss came and that only at Mr. Evans's insistence. I was in and out the Squadron practically the whole evening. Asked some old cadets down too...felt a bit out of things. When it comes to socialising instead of just working together and having a laugh, I never blend in with the cadets. I seem to, but if I walk off no one bothers. I'm not exactly the life of the party type. So just kept walking in and out to see if the Boss was there...think the CO got annoyed, he shut the office door after a bit. I was actually outside when the Boss pulled up. My face just went into a huge grin and I nearly cried, I was that happy. He was smiling too when he got out. I was like, "Hello sir! I was hoping you'd come. Can I have a hug?" We're almost like best friends now. He'll always be the first man as far as I'm concerned. The best older guy. Not so much in a complete sense, since he's not born again, but apart from that, he is. I'm fiercely loyal and fiercely devoted to him. And the CO can't stand that. Because he feels threatened.
I was running around clearing up feeling and looking brighter than I have since he left...and I think the CO saw it. Brian was as friendly as ever and in no way at all challenged Ian....but the CO was forcibly polite. The three cheers we gave the Boss on the CO's introduction of him to the new cadets - inspired by me and lead by Scott - must have been bitter to him. I can see his point of view. And I truly feel sorry for him.
It's not so much that he feels threatened as the Commanding Officer. He feels threatened because the Boss still holds first loyalty in his corporal's heart - over him. He needs to get rid of the Boss's memory to feel secure. And he can never do that - not with me, and not while I'm at 196. So while he does not want me to leave, it would probably be better for him if I did. But then he'd feel a failure.
*runs hand through hair frustratedly* I'm so glad no one really bothers to read these. It's too awful.
I text the CO earlier...the fact that the other corporal was given the responsibility of arranging an event proved that he was NOT happy with me. When I text him for info, he was short and blunt. So I text him back and asked if he was mad at me...got a text to the point of no, he was just upset that I didn't have courtesy to ask permission before for them to come down as he could've got into trouble with Wing if someone had come down. Although I suspect that was not the whole reason, then I really DID feel bad. Not that I'd asked the Boss, just that I didn't mention it before and then fight my corner for him to still come.
I'm so miserable. Life is...more than this. It's like a black diamond of troubled facets at the minute...
Some people still say God has a plan for my life. I think He's given up on me. For now. And long ago.
Janie x
Got a long run with the Sqn tomorrow, skipping a dedication of a baby (I don't really know the family anyway) to go out with the Squadron on the afternoon. I feel guilty due to my strong stand against Sunday events. But it's a break from Jose. And I have no conscience about it. Apart from the guilt against what used to be.
Dad and I had a blazing row about it this morning...seriously. At least Mom's supportive.
I miss the Boss. So much. The CO's mad at me 'cause I asked the Boss to Sgt. L's 18th surprise birthday party...and figured he'd stop it if he knew, so only told him two hours before the Boss came and that only at Mr. Evans's insistence. I was in and out the Squadron practically the whole evening. Asked some old cadets down too...felt a bit out of things. When it comes to socialising instead of just working together and having a laugh, I never blend in with the cadets. I seem to, but if I walk off no one bothers. I'm not exactly the life of the party type. So just kept walking in and out to see if the Boss was there...think the CO got annoyed, he shut the office door after a bit. I was actually outside when the Boss pulled up. My face just went into a huge grin and I nearly cried, I was that happy. He was smiling too when he got out. I was like, "Hello sir! I was hoping you'd come. Can I have a hug?" We're almost like best friends now. He'll always be the first man as far as I'm concerned. The best older guy. Not so much in a complete sense, since he's not born again, but apart from that, he is. I'm fiercely loyal and fiercely devoted to him. And the CO can't stand that. Because he feels threatened.
I was running around clearing up feeling and looking brighter than I have since he left...and I think the CO saw it. Brian was as friendly as ever and in no way at all challenged Ian....but the CO was forcibly polite. The three cheers we gave the Boss on the CO's introduction of him to the new cadets - inspired by me and lead by Scott - must have been bitter to him. I can see his point of view. And I truly feel sorry for him.
It's not so much that he feels threatened as the Commanding Officer. He feels threatened because the Boss still holds first loyalty in his corporal's heart - over him. He needs to get rid of the Boss's memory to feel secure. And he can never do that - not with me, and not while I'm at 196. So while he does not want me to leave, it would probably be better for him if I did. But then he'd feel a failure.
*runs hand through hair frustratedly* I'm so glad no one really bothers to read these. It's too awful.
I text the CO earlier...the fact that the other corporal was given the responsibility of arranging an event proved that he was NOT happy with me. When I text him for info, he was short and blunt. So I text him back and asked if he was mad at me...got a text to the point of no, he was just upset that I didn't have courtesy to ask permission before for them to come down as he could've got into trouble with Wing if someone had come down. Although I suspect that was not the whole reason, then I really DID feel bad. Not that I'd asked the Boss, just that I didn't mention it before and then fight my corner for him to still come.
I'm so miserable. Life is...more than this. It's like a black diamond of troubled facets at the minute...
Some people still say God has a plan for my life. I think He's given up on me. For now. And long ago.
Janie x
That's ridiculous and you know it. What you did was place your pleasure over the CO's. I've done that dozens of times myself. It doesn't mean that God's given up on you. If you base your perception of God's ability to use you on your own powers and therefore failings (it's a fact of fallen life, dear) then you're jolly well not worshipping the same God I am! Sorry if that came out mean or biting. x x x x <3
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