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Faith

As usual, I prayed for a word for this year. It was rather (I felt) last minute and I couldn’t see where or how it was applicable when it arrived.  Last year was “Rest”, and how appropriate that turned out to be. This year? Faith. This year has been an exercise and a half in faith. Not in the ways I anticipated. I have rarely felt more alone and separated from God and unsure of what I believe or why. I have questioned my salvation more in the past year than in my lifetime as a Christian. I have been going through this alone since I haven’t been back at church since March last year, and I’m soul-hungry and lonely for fellowship or to have a good heart conversation about spiritual things. I’m watching God move in many lives around me and wondering why it seems He’s stopped working in mine. Why all the heart wracking tears, prayers and face to the floor is left in the silence of God. Why my health and mental health continue to decline, leaving me unable to care for the basics of those aro
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What is Truth?

I laughed at and shared a blog post this morning from satire site 'Babylon Bee', titled: ' Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Off Another Long Day of Deciding What People Can Believe ', with the comment "many a truth...". It chimes with something I've been chewing over a lot recently, especially with the 'Dominic Cummings incident'. Truth. What is truth? With the rise of Donald Trump to the US Presidency and the new #FakeNews label, disinformation became a topic that rose to the forefront. Sure, there has been misinformation, limited facts and distorted truth for thousands of years - as a Christian, I believe since the dawn of time, beginning with the words, "Has God said...?" Now, with the advance of technology and the internet age, our world has become one steady influx of information, everywhere. Facts, stories, news, global, political, local, everyone, everything, everywhere. And to spread their own agendas, others share their own storie
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VE Day 2020 - Historical Memories 75 Years On

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It's not the expected celebrations for the 75th anniversary of VE Day, marked as it is by social distancing, a lockdown under a global pandemic. Single global leaders or royalty, flanked by a few protective officers, lay wreaths whilst keeping a significant distance apart. Flypasts of Spitfires and Hurricanes - traditional WWII aircraft, followed by more modern 'British' aircraft - the Red Arrows and the Typhoons - over the four capitals of our United Kingdom - London, Cardiff, Edinburgh and Belfast. At 9pm tonight, Her Majesty the Queen will address the nation - the same time her father did 75 years ago. It's quiet on our neighbourhood; some of us came out to mark the 2 minute silence on the door, but nothing else planned. We have the red, white and blue up in our home in bunting and flags. In my sister's neighbourhood, flags and bunting are only the start; a social-distanced street party of people sitting on their separate front lawns has been arranged. It'
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Soap for Jesus?

I came home thoroughly discouraged today. I really get that doctors want to work normal hours too. But when you leave work late after a very bad day, practically run to the train on a wrenched ankle, have to buy a ticket only to miss the darn thing by twenty seconds, run back upstairs to the tram, have to work out which one is fastest, head back down to the train which will get you to the station right at your appointment time, have to upset your mom’s evening plans to request a lift so you can get there as fast as possible, upset your husband, and call the doctors to tell them you’ll be five minutes late for them to tell you they’ll leave a note for the nurse but you might have to rebook, they could be a little more forgiving. Also. They could allow you to buy tickets at the gate instead of having to rush halfway up the station. Also. The train was late by ten minutes and my poor Mom, who had to be in Newcastle-under-Lyme for 7:30, was delayed by a good twenty minutes without a w
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Exposure

It's been a while since I've been really vulnerable, really visible about what's going on in my life. For all my passion for openness and vulnerability about our struggles, I'm scared of sharing. I'm scared of people using them against me. I'm scared. It's fear that keeps me prisoner. Fear that becomes fact, but that's not the point. I don't make a difference if I hide in my fears; it's what so many others do and it's never going to break the mould if I carry on doing it. It doesn't encourage others to break their mould and find freedom in being their ugly, beautiful, broken, imperfectly perfect selves. It doesn't leave a place where they know they can be imperfect and free, broken and not judged; it doesn't leave a place where people can be loved like Jesus loves them. I know people hate "Love the sinner, hate the sin," but it's true. Jesus said, "Go and sin no more" to the adulteress, to Mary wiping
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From Depression to Victory

There's three things you can do when consistently depressed. You can be it, and take everything around you down with it. You can do yourself in, and hurt everyone around you. Or you can figure out the problem, and get on with it. I've been noticing more and more issues with myself recently - just come back from an energising walk and was thinking on the way back. Don't even want to write this blog post, because it means addressing the issues and a major part of me doesn't want to. I'd rather just sit down, look at things and think, I make everyone around me depressed. I am depressed. I'm always so tired - emotionally, if not physically - and I don't want to do anything. I like doing things that give me a buzz. I just went out and got some shopping in. And thought, shall I buy myself a frozen meal cause I really don't want to spend the time cooking tonight. I'm tired. I just want to sit down with a movie and nothing else. No contact. I take pho
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The Guilt I Carry

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I had a breakdown this week, probably due to exhaustion. It wasn't pretty. Atul and I are working really hard right now to try and get our house within the time limits imposed by lenders and visas and money. Love that last. It's a pain in the neck. I walked from work on Tuesday evening to get a hug from my husband at his workplace (he was on night shift). As soon as he put his arms around me, I started crying - and didn't stop for an hour. Then on and off for the next day. Took a half sick day off work. Ugh. Since my marriage, I haven't seen much of my friends. And even less and less, I've been drifting offline. Well, apart from playing Farmville or watching Netflix. Part of me is guilty for abandoning people. Part of me thinks I can't handle staying with people. Why? I had a dear friend once. Someone I adopted as a daughter. And a mutual friend betrayed her and me. When I had helped her get out of the mess, I drifted away because I was cracking and
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